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Advice needed : unprotected underage sex
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I figured this is the best place to put this rather than relationships. To make a long story short - I live opposite a park (it was a field thing, now there's a playpark) and so growing up I made loads of friends older and younger than myself, brothers and/or sisters of friends and so on, so on my estate I know kids who are 14 (as all the older guys and girls moved/Uni etc).
Now I always had this crush on this girl called Sam and last year we hooked up (She was 15, I was nearly 18) for a bit. One night (her parents thought I was taking advantage of her etc when infact I didn't want to do anything with her for a while as it was a bit oo-err missus) she snuck out to meet me as she was really upset so we were outside her house for 30mins or so. She was caught and got in loads of trouble, her parents subsequently banned her from seeing me and have hated me since (note: she lives about 7 houses down the road, it's not like we drove off anywhere or I lived 20mins away etc).
Ok so obviously our lives went different ways and I stopped talking to her after her mum introduced her to a guy my age and him and Sam started dating. Now I'm furious as I grew up with her - he was allowed to sleep over, stay longer than I was etc etc, surely if Sam's parents were pissed off about the age they wouldn't have let her date this guy (Daryl). Anyway Daryl tried getting into Sam's pants but she was having none of it and gave him the shove.
About a month ago I literally bumped into her going up to the school to meet one of my closest mates (he's like my little brother). Sam and I have a chat and she texts me asking if she can add me on MSN blah blah blah so we start chatting again and I find out stuff with Daryl.
Now she's dating this guy called Mitch. Mitch is an internet boyfriend from Clacton. He treats her like crap and has signed on as her offering me sex and the like hoping I'll be all for it just to yell at Sam. He's a real head case - cut himself on webcam blaming her for it, blackmailing her and just bashing the shit out of her self confidence - she's a wreck! She isn't allowed to see her friends anymore and she goes to see him every weekend (for sex).
This is the problem..she asked me if you can be allergic to condoms - as she said she's had problems down there. This was a week or two ago, I thought nothing of it. Last night she dropped a bombshell. She thinks she's pregnant. I asked her how etc - she said the non-latex condoms are too expensive and so didn't use one. Further chatting reveals she's done it without a few times - on his recommendation - and not thought about the prospect of getting pregnant because he pulled out.
I freaked out and apparently made her cry because I was calling her too immature for sex, why couldn't they buy the proper condoms, why do it several times etc etc.
The horrid thing is, I think this guy has done it before. From stuff she's told me he's really clingy and ex-girlfriends have just left him out the blue. From the situation I am led to believe she's not the first girl he's got pregnant..she said he didn't seem bothered by it and promised to stand by her (I read this as a way for him to keep her to himself).
I also believe her allergy may well be an STD.
She isn't allowed to meet his friends, or talk to his brother's girlfriend or anything. It makes me think he's hiding something. Everytime he pretends to be her we argue and as I said above, it's all about control for him and she is his trophy.
One of her best mates also had unprotected sex with an internet boyfriend (she was a virgin, one of the sweetest girls I know, this is very out of character) so they're going together to the clinic for pregnancy tests and go on the pill.
What the hell do I do. Sam's parents don't know he's some strange internet guy, and he cut himself on webcam blaming her etc. I really think they need to know she's had a lot of unprotected sex to talk sense to her. They don't like this Mitch guy and I'm sure her Dad would love to kick his head in more than he did mine (Mitch is nearly 18, she's 16 in May).
Sam came to me because she trusts me. If I go to her parents they'll either say I'm lying or kick off about it. They'll kick off at her and she'll hate me. I think her friend was more tricked into it - but the boyfriend left after 3 weeks.
They're going on the pill because they don't want to buy condoms and their fellas (well Sam's) is too pikey to buy the ones they need.
Sam doesn't seem to understand that pulling out is not a form of contraception, and that she has no idea about this guy's sexual history. I feel he's very "if you love me you'd.." ya know, blackmailing her.
What the hell do I do? If Sam's not pregnant she got lucky and she'll be on the pill..but I don't think she understands why people use the pill..her fella's just too cheap to buy non-latex jons or whatever they are. What if she is pregnant and needs an abortion?
Most of me thinks I should leave her blocked and deleted and leave her be as she's not my responsibility. Why stir shit ya know what I'm saying. But some of me says she needs to understand how stupid she's been..by either telling her parents or chatting to one of the gals I know in her classes and get them to talk to Sam (some of them have boyfriends of nearly a year and of course are having sex - but they all use condoms etc etc and just seem so much more mature than Sam).
So sorry for length.
Now I always had this crush on this girl called Sam and last year we hooked up (She was 15, I was nearly 18) for a bit. One night (her parents thought I was taking advantage of her etc when infact I didn't want to do anything with her for a while as it was a bit oo-err missus) she snuck out to meet me as she was really upset so we were outside her house for 30mins or so. She was caught and got in loads of trouble, her parents subsequently banned her from seeing me and have hated me since (note: she lives about 7 houses down the road, it's not like we drove off anywhere or I lived 20mins away etc).
Ok so obviously our lives went different ways and I stopped talking to her after her mum introduced her to a guy my age and him and Sam started dating. Now I'm furious as I grew up with her - he was allowed to sleep over, stay longer than I was etc etc, surely if Sam's parents were pissed off about the age they wouldn't have let her date this guy (Daryl). Anyway Daryl tried getting into Sam's pants but she was having none of it and gave him the shove.
About a month ago I literally bumped into her going up to the school to meet one of my closest mates (he's like my little brother). Sam and I have a chat and she texts me asking if she can add me on MSN blah blah blah so we start chatting again and I find out stuff with Daryl.
Now she's dating this guy called Mitch. Mitch is an internet boyfriend from Clacton. He treats her like crap and has signed on as her offering me sex and the like hoping I'll be all for it just to yell at Sam. He's a real head case - cut himself on webcam blaming her for it, blackmailing her and just bashing the shit out of her self confidence - she's a wreck! She isn't allowed to see her friends anymore and she goes to see him every weekend (for sex).
This is the problem..she asked me if you can be allergic to condoms - as she said she's had problems down there. This was a week or two ago, I thought nothing of it. Last night she dropped a bombshell. She thinks she's pregnant. I asked her how etc - she said the non-latex condoms are too expensive and so didn't use one. Further chatting reveals she's done it without a few times - on his recommendation - and not thought about the prospect of getting pregnant because he pulled out.
I freaked out and apparently made her cry because I was calling her too immature for sex, why couldn't they buy the proper condoms, why do it several times etc etc.
The horrid thing is, I think this guy has done it before. From stuff she's told me he's really clingy and ex-girlfriends have just left him out the blue. From the situation I am led to believe she's not the first girl he's got pregnant..she said he didn't seem bothered by it and promised to stand by her (I read this as a way for him to keep her to himself).
I also believe her allergy may well be an STD.
She isn't allowed to meet his friends, or talk to his brother's girlfriend or anything. It makes me think he's hiding something. Everytime he pretends to be her we argue and as I said above, it's all about control for him and she is his trophy.
One of her best mates also had unprotected sex with an internet boyfriend (she was a virgin, one of the sweetest girls I know, this is very out of character) so they're going together to the clinic for pregnancy tests and go on the pill.
What the hell do I do. Sam's parents don't know he's some strange internet guy, and he cut himself on webcam blaming her etc. I really think they need to know she's had a lot of unprotected sex to talk sense to her. They don't like this Mitch guy and I'm sure her Dad would love to kick his head in more than he did mine (Mitch is nearly 18, she's 16 in May).
Sam came to me because she trusts me. If I go to her parents they'll either say I'm lying or kick off about it. They'll kick off at her and she'll hate me. I think her friend was more tricked into it - but the boyfriend left after 3 weeks.
They're going on the pill because they don't want to buy condoms and their fellas (well Sam's) is too pikey to buy the ones they need.
Sam doesn't seem to understand that pulling out is not a form of contraception, and that she has no idea about this guy's sexual history. I feel he's very "if you love me you'd.." ya know, blackmailing her.
What the hell do I do? If Sam's not pregnant she got lucky and she'll be on the pill..but I don't think she understands why people use the pill..her fella's just too cheap to buy non-latex jons or whatever they are. What if she is pregnant and needs an abortion?
Most of me thinks I should leave her blocked and deleted and leave her be as she's not my responsibility. Why stir shit ya know what I'm saying. But some of me says she needs to understand how stupid she's been..by either telling her parents or chatting to one of the gals I know in her classes and get them to talk to Sam (some of them have boyfriends of nearly a year and of course are having sex - but they all use condoms etc etc and just seem so much more mature than Sam).
So sorry for length.
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Comments
She text me about 10 minutes ago saying he's finished with her (again)
ps: Props if you read it all
Forgive me but the situation sounds morally dubious but also illegal (with Mitch commiting a crime). What would be wrong with saving her from herself and making a complaint to the police? I mean not doing this for revenge or cause your jealous but who else is Mitch grooming online?
How about moving on from this girl and giving your attention to someone more realistic...
I'm sorry - what are you trying to say? I'm sure I know but I don't appreciate what you're insinuating. I'm happily dating and we've been together since December. I didn't choose for Sam to dump this shit on me - at the end of the day she is still a good friend of mine and a few other girls on the estate know I consider them good friends too and come to me with all sorts of problems.
Calling the police won't get anything done I don't think - her old man's a cop anyway! Mitch isn't a dirty old man; he's 17 turning 18 and again I dont think I like that you're insinuating he may also be with several girls under the age of 15. I am not jealous that he's sleeping with her and don't wish for any sort of "revenge."
If I was jealous I'd have kicked his head in ages ago.
Hi ya, I can see that this is a really tough situation - deciding whether or not to stay friends with this girl or just butt out is a difficult decision to make - but I think you've probably already decided based on what your heart is telling you to do. While I agree with others that it might just be that you can do little more than just be there for her - there are other options.
If she trusts you, then perhaps you could offer to go with Brook tel: 020 7284 6040 or your nearest family planning/sexual health clinic with her. You could even say you were planning on going anyway, but would like it if she would come with you. You could just go along to chat with an advisor about sex in general and the different types of contraception available - it definitely sounds like she needs some education in that department! If you think she would be better off going with a friend then maybe suggest it to one of them.
Take care
How about offering to take her down there as a friend? You could get her an appointment to get checked (for pregnancy and STDs) and she could pick up free condoms. Plus there'd be the doctor or whatever explaining certain facts of life, like pre-cum, to her.
If she has the condoms and they don't cost anything then there really is no excuse for not using them. Perhaps if the tests do throw up that she has an STI she'll think twice about not doing her homework next time around.
Hope you sort something out
One question - she's 10 days late..is it normaly for most girls/women to ignore this and hope it was down to stress? Or has she just been a bit silly and scared to admit it before now?
That's a good start - they should talk about condoms without her even asking.
It's hard to say as it can vary dramatically from one woman to another and there's no way that we could possibly know I'm afraid - all will be revealed tomorrow I guess.
To me (and I think from a legal view point also) age is irrelevant when considering grooming. This guy (Mitch) has gained her trust primarily to engage in a sexual relationship with her. He apparently had her isolated from her family as they have no knowledge of him. I think when considering the police, lack of complaint or insuffient evidence does prove problematic.
You've already stated that from what she's told you, that he might have got other girls pregnant (quote "led to believe she's not the first girl he's got pregnant"). It baffles me why you're offended that I suggest he might be/have slept with other underage girls. Does this invoke some anger against him or me (for simply the suggestion)?
Fair play, I suppose I read too much into your reply. Sam and I dated for about three months - in that time I chose not to engage sexually with her due to the age of us both. I don't regret doing so.
I believe you are correct as they started to sleep together after about a month of dating (she'd have met him 2 or 3 times). I may have been misleading about her family not knowing - they know him, he stays there sometimes - however they do not know that he is from the internet.
I'm a little touchy when it comes to people throwing the generalisation "peado" round. Bad, bad experience. I do not believe he has been with anyone under the age of 15. From what Sam has said in the past he has slept with 2 or 3 other girls. She doesn't know who they are, but one of them kept texting him for a while. I believe he may have had unprotected sex with these other girls as, from what I am piecing together, he has control and power issues. Getting someone pregnant is ultimately the best way to gaurantee noone else will go near the woman (at such a young age, no teenage lad wants to date a pregnant lass. Plus people see said girl as a slapper). He obviously knows what unprotected sex leads too and may possibly have pushed Sam into it (what male is as cool as a cucumber about having sex with someone with no form of contraception?).