My girlfriend has stopped having sex with me

Former Member · March 2006

My girlfriend has stopped having sex with me
About a month ago I realised that our relationship was losing its spark but I want it back as I am very much in love. We used to do it three/four times a day but more recently it has become only weekends and now once a month if ever.

She tells our friends that it is me that is not giving it to her but whenever I approach her I get the following excuses:
"I'm not in the mood"
"I am tired"
"I want this time to enjoy myself -to watch a film/read a book"
"I'm not horny"

And if I get to foreplay by chance its:
"You are not being sexy"
"You are not turning me on"
"I'm bored"
"I'm not in the mood anymore"

If it should actually get to penetration its:
"It hurts"
"I just cant relax, i'm sorry"

I have tried flowers, romantic dinners, chocolates, talking about our problem (but she doesn't want to hear it) and asking her whats wrong. She's convinced shes fat, ugly and unattractive to which I assure her she is not and pay her compliments every waking moment.
She also complains that I don't approach her for sex anymore (which maybe a little true because I am so put off by rejection) but once she told me that and I do now she tells me I am just being a nuscence. I ask her how I can make her feel more sexy and relaxed and she says she doesn't know. I ask her how I can be more sexy for her and she says she doesn't know. I've joined the gym to try and make my body more attractive but I feel like I am being clumsy and too fussy around her, in fact I don't know what to feel.

I'd love to take her away on a luxious break or spice up our sex life with new gadgets and ideas (most of which we have already tried in the past and only the most expensive suggestions remain) but can't afford it.

Do I leave her to sort things out in her own head?
Do I take more extreme action?

How do i help her?
What do I need to do?

I am afraid it is only a matter of time before I give up and take my business elsewhere but it would break my heart to do so. Surely these are the prime sexual years of my life??

Former Member · March 2006

Sorry to hear your having troubles, i know how this problem can feel. Just a quick question have you told her how you feel. If she's saying you never try to have sex with her anymore, have you told her the reasons behind it?

Former Member · March 2006

Yes i have told her that this is a problem and that she is making me feel uneasy and that I dont know what to do to help but this causes her to shy away and avoid the issue.

**helen** · March 2006

Hi Cristal,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds like you're trying really hard to work things out with your girlfriend but she seems to be slipping further away from you. It's good to get your feelings out in the open and I'm sure some of the other board users will have some sound points of view for you to consider.

I came across this question in our askTheSite archive which is similar to your situation - you might find it helps to read it and take note of the paragraph about relationship counselling, it might be something your girlfriend would really benefit from.

Take care

Former Member · March 2006

Once we have had sex she also does this thing whereby I get some kind of psyco evaluation of how I performed. I just ask her if it was good for her etc afterwards and I get told that I lent on her leg too hard or I got a bit too eager in the middle or I camer too quickly/too slowly, that i didn't talk dirty enough or foreply was too short/too long, that I a shit in bed, that I am too selfish

Former Member · March 2006

Thanks for the reply Helen but I think a counselling session is out of the question. She wont even see a doctor when she has a problem because she is too stubborn.

Former Member · March 2006

First of all, stop all the things you are doing.

No more chocolates, no more bending over backwards for her.

Not to be punishing, but simply because they aren't working.

I'd completely ignore her as much as possible for a good few days. Go out on your own, do whatever hobby you like best. Stop asking her about the "problem" and if you do have sex stop asking her "if it was good for her" etc if she starts to tell you in a criitical way, walk out of the house or something.

Dissecting your performance in this cruel way iommediately after sex with no thought to your feelings is something you should find completely and utterly unacceptable. Be a man about it. Yes you can improve (who can't?) but you don't need to put up with shit from anyone, no matter how you feel about them.

Do something different. Why not just enjoy fucking her, come, then tell her to go get you a drink and then fall asleep or something. See all those posts by Kermit about the attractiveness of doormats.

Again, not because you want to hurt her, but because what you are currently doing simply isn't working.

I think you have an idea of things that will make this woman attracted to you and you are continuing to apply them even though they obviously aren't working. Pay attention to the woman in front of you and not to the ideas in your head.

**helen** · March 2006

:yes:

klintock wrote:

Dissecting your performance in this cruel way immediately after sex with no thought to your feelings is something you should find completely and utterly unacceptable.

It's definitely a good idea to make it clear that you can't be there regardless of how she treats you - I know it's really tough, but try and explain how you feel without saying something you don't mean. For example, don't say you are going to leave if you have no intention of doing so, but perhaps tell her that the way things are going has led you to consider what the future holds for the pair of you.

You're right - if you're girlfriend is really stubborn about things - then you obviously can't force her to go counselling. Perhaps you could go to talk about how your girlfriend has been acting? It might help you put things in perspective?

Former Member · March 2006

Agree with everything that has been said so far - there is a difference between telling someone how they could make sex better for you, and just telling them everything they did wrong.

I can understand how she feels to an extent as I myself have gone through periods of just not wanting sex, and then getting annoyed when my partner didn't try to instigate sex with me (despite me not wanting it). But then my lack of sex drive was nothing to do with what my partner was or wasn't doing - just stress about other things in my life. The fact is she seems to be planting all the blame on you without accepting the fact that she too has a big role to play in your sex life.

Perhaps you should try asking her if it is just sex in general that she doesn't want, or whether it is specifically a problem with you. Explain to her that you feel you have done everything in your power to try and make things better for her but that she has basically been nothing but unresponsive/critical of your attempts, so what else are you supposed to do?

I think you need to make it clear to her just how strongly you feel about this. The amount of sex you have does decrease as the relationship progresses and there is no "normal" amount to be having, but if it is decreasing to the extent where you are never having any, then there is a problem and it is important to find out the cause of this, and whether it can be resolved.

Former Member · March 2006

I believe it maybe an issue of stress of the other things in her life as you say. We are both in busy roles with extra activities out of work and social commitments which leave our relationship on the sidelines. We do not live alone and this means we have very little privacy. She is from an unbringing which condemns privacy anyway so she feels uncomfortable when we get it so it makes fixing this problem close to impossible.

I spoke to her today to tell her how important this issue was to me and how it needs resolving now and she said that she doesnt need the stress of it now, she is too busy and that she cannot fit a conversation about this into her schedule until next tuesday because we are so busy.

She keeps saying that she can't do this anymore and like Firefly85 says keeps blaming me for all the stresses and problems in her life. She says the only way to fix this would be to take a break and go away but I can't afford it, neither of us can. Are we destined to be in a sexless relationship until we can afford a holday?

Also I have tried the taking-charge approach before but she doesnot respond because she is too stubborn, if I ignore her she ignores me for longer and if I try to take control she will only do what she wants to.

I understand that sex decreases as relationship lengthen but how does one satisfy the urges if only one partner is losign interest? I even get a bollocking if I try to "shake hands with the bishop" because she says I am being selfish and that if i get to orgasm so should she.

Does anyone have the answer?

Former Member · March 2006

Cristal wrote:

Does anyone have the answer?

No, and i'm no expert, but from your last post, i'd say there's bigger problems in your relationship than just a lack of sex. The fact that she says she won't be able to talk about it until next tuesday or whenever is a big worry. The lack of sex could well have stemmed from the fact that you spend so little time together these days and that you are almost drifting apart. I dunno, i may be well out of line here, but i reckon if you really wanna save your relationship and sort this problem, then you both need to make a real effort to put other parts of your life to one side a bit more often so you can spend more time together. I reckon that would be a start anyway.....

Former Member · March 2006

MattLiverpool wrote:

Crystal, she's waiting for you to act like a man.

She's dominating you, the spark has gone. If she said jump you'd say how high.

When you first met her you were a man, you had sex often and it was good. There is a small chance you can save this relationship, it will go against your morals of supplicating to her, but if you don't i'm sure some guy who treats her like a little girl and acts like a man will steal her away.

It's nothing to do with stress or anything, it's you, you don't do it for her anymore and the more you ask her why the more she doesn't want to know. She can't fit you in to her schedule till next tuesday? you should have laughed at her the moment she said that.

When you ignore her she laughs because you always come running back.

This isn't just about saving your relationship, it's about saving yourself from the rut you're in with women.

Sex doesn't decrease during a relationship unless you're letting the girl get the better of you, it's what they're subconciously programmed to do, it's like a drug, you can't want something if you've always got it, take the drug away from someone, they start wanting it again, the only problem is it is her who has you hooked and she is the drug.

She is talking another language to you, a language you don't understand and you have to if you want to change. She si waiting for you to wake up and tell her NO. She's horney for a man tow hisk her away and make love to her while telling her NO, even for no reason, tell her no, just because you want to. When she's giving you a bollocking for having a wank she's asking for you to tell her off and make REAL love to her.

Also let me tell you, if you do start waking up and becoming a man again, expect her to be even more of a bitch and maybe a few small arguements, she will test you and try to make you bend to her will again but if you stick through it she will also be horny for you, remember, the tests NEVER end.

This guy should be fuckin' knighted!

Former Member · March 2006

So what your saying is that I have make her want me, make her want to impress me, make her work for my attention where i always give it to her now, I have to make all the descisions and tell her what to do and punish her when she is feeling lazy or doesnt listen? Basically treat her like a little girl and talk down to her?

Former Member · March 2006

I think you need to find a compromise between the two. What Matt said is just the extreme of it. Obviously don't treat her like some kinda object, but don't do everything just to please her. Consider yourself as well. Just don't let her treat you like a doormat.

Former Member · March 2006

How can i guarentee that by making less of an effort to please her she will want to please me? I just don't see that happening. I don't think she has the drive to make that effort for me. It has been this way round for years and gradually I have been less and less of a doormat so why now has the sex stopped?

Former Member · March 2006

If I was having sex with a woman, and she kept criticising my performance, frankly I'd get out of the bed, tell her to fuck off and never see her again. Frankly, you've done enough. Let her do the running for once!

Former Member · March 2006

Mattliverpool,

I took steps lastnight as you advised and to the best of my ability. Sat her down and put her through the rules and told her what i expected from her and that we were to both put as much effort into our relationship instead of being lazy and bitchign and moaning about it. It felt really good. I don't think I have ever dominated her like this before and she became submissive and then horny as the evening drew on. Unfortunately laying down the law took so long she eventually fell asleep on me but its been followed by apologys this morning.

No sex as yet but i'm not giving up till I get what i want every night of the week!

Former Member · March 2006

Cristal wrote:

Basically treat her like a little girl and talk down to her?

Trust me mate - dont do that! She would soon tire of being talked down to and would no doubt leave you shortly after.
Just stop being her lapdog was the message i think others have been trying to give you. As mattliverpool said, she says jump you say how high and it shouldnt be like that.
Relationships are a two-way thing so you shouldnt just give in to everything she wants, grow a backbone, dont talk down to her but when shes acting like a little girl treat her as such :thumb:

My girlfriend has stopped having sex with me

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