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interfering - yay or nay?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
is it ever a good idea to stick your nose into other people's relationships?
someone pretty close to me has been in a relationship for ages with someone that i just big fat don't like. i can't stand him, and i can't stand the way he treats her.
he's rude to her in front of all of us, he picks on her appearance (which i know for a fact she's pretty insecure about anyway), he doesn't like any of what i think are her best features (sense of humour, social skills) and his ideas about the future are totally at odds with hers.
she is a different person when he's around and i want to make her see that she deserves someone who respects her and loves her for who she is, but not sure whether i should butt in, or the best approach to make.
any ideas?
someone pretty close to me has been in a relationship for ages with someone that i just big fat don't like. i can't stand him, and i can't stand the way he treats her.
he's rude to her in front of all of us, he picks on her appearance (which i know for a fact she's pretty insecure about anyway), he doesn't like any of what i think are her best features (sense of humour, social skills) and his ideas about the future are totally at odds with hers.
she is a different person when he's around and i want to make her see that she deserves someone who respects her and loves her for who she is, but not sure whether i should butt in, or the best approach to make.
any ideas?
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I think that trying to help could turn her against you.
that's my worry. i know she wouldn't think i was doing it to be spiteful, but i worry that she would feel she has to stick up for him whatever, and if that meant ignoring my opinion and pushing me away, she would.
i have let it lie for years now hoping she would realise what a tossmonkey he is and chuck him, but it's never happened, and now she has started to fade away and get ill, and i know he isn't helping.
normally i wouldn't stick my nose in other people's business, i just can't stand to see her the way she is these days.
Does she know your feelings on her bloke, because if you have always been quite vocal about being anti him, she could just dismiss it as you just holding a grudge and not really want to listen because no one really wants to hear people slagging off their relationships, especially when they are a big part of their lives.
Buuut if you've never really broached the subject before she might be more inclined to listen and take on what you say as opposed to her just thinking, well you've never liked him anyway so your just seeing it how you want kinda thing, what do your mutal friends think, i persnally would find out what everyone else thought and whether they agreed before i go ahead and have the 'big chat'
There is also the other route, having a word with him, but if he goes and 'tells' on you to his girlfriend that could end up just as bad, and then you'd have to deal with the whole going behind the back business.
I'd see give it a week or two and then if you still feel the same maybe test the water a little by just bringing it up in passing conversation or something and see how she takes it where it goes from there.
Or maybe you can discreetly make her realise what a nobrot he is?
Or write an anonymous letter
no one in the family nor any of the family friends like him. he's really obnoxious. some people have been more vocal about it than others. most play nice just to keep the peace.
not an option, i don't think. you can't even have a small talk conversation with him because he constantly belittles you and interrupts and disagrees with everything you say just for the sake of disagreeing.
we (me + other close person) have been worried about the whole situation for a couple of years now, trying to subtly hint (like 'let's complain about our boyfriends.. what about yours? join in?') or talking about reasons we would leave, or on the other hand about the idea of 'the one' and how awesome our other halves are and what not.
i don't want to jump in, all guns blazing and just be like 'your chap is a tosspot' because it's nothing to do with him. i don't give a bollock about him. it's about her being happy. thinking more along the lines of 'are you really ok/does he always talk to you like that/we are worried about you these days'.
less confrontation. more action.
Yeah definatley the way to do it, it just depends on you think she will actually take it, or is it one of them situations where you really have no idea how it's gonna go.
the worst part is that i suspect that she knows exactly what a tosser he is, but she doesn't think she can do any better (which is bollocks, she's awesome).
she's not had a great deal of luck with men, and he is her first real boyfriend. none of the others seemed to want to stick around, so we're worried that she's thinking that he is the only one who ever will.
i'm going to have to devise a plan of action with my partner in crime. with her, i think the best way is to start off talking about her and how she's been and gradually edge as much of the him issue in as we can before she starts to clam up.
Our conclusion is to stay out unless something mega serious happens, but it's down to her to realise what a knobface he is. It's worrying but basically it's down to them to realise that their guy is a loser, problem is with guys like this they make the girl dependant on them, and seem dependant on her so she's afraid to leave him out of guilt. *sigh*
I say just stay back and keep an eye on things, but speak up when things start getting seriously out of hand.