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just need to talk a bit
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I dont really have a topic for this thread just need to vent a few feelings, but feel free to comment if you like.
Right.
Well bit of background, i've been with cat since june 2004 so nearly 2 years together now. Things were great to start with and we go on fantastically.
skip to jan 05, i find out cat has been meeting up with this lad, she swore nothing had happened and they just talked so i told her if we were to work she needed to stop seeing him. she agreed and we stayed together. a few weeks after this i find his number still on her phone and her brother tells me she had been talking to that guy on msn. i went mental,dumped her on the spot and walked out. she chased after me crying her eyes out and begging me for another chance which after some persuasion i gave her.
After this, no more mention of the guy, the texts and phone calls/msn convos had stopped.
This incident left me pretty paranoid about her though and it still does to this day.
Nothing else has happened since that but it's still always there in the back of my mind and i just want things to get back to normal.
Its been nearly a year since the last appearance of this guy but i cant seem to move past it. i find myself doubting nearly everything she says but this also depends on the mood im in. sometimes its like the old days and nothing she says bothers me. for example she might tell me shes going on a night out with some of her mates. sometimes i will just say 'sure, ok have a good time', but other times i just think 'is she really going out with her mates or somewhere else? will she be faithfull?'
This is really killing me inside and its tearing out relationship apart. she gets upset when i question everything she does but shes also given me alot of support and shes broken down in tears a few times saying shes wrecked things between us. Right after the incident with the other lad, things were ok between us but they have slowly got worse because of it and now we seem to always fight.
I love her. i really do love her otherwise i would have walked away a long time ago. with everybody else ive ever been with ive never really got attached, ive either just go bored or dumped then moved on to someone else and repeated the cycle again. this time its different though and this actually really hurts inside when we argue.
I honestly dont know what to do weather to stick it out and hope things work out and the trust builds back up.(but then its been nearly a year, surely things should be better, not worse) or whether to just suck it up and let go (which would be really hard to do and i do actually want to be with her).
I think the whole reason i have for not trusting her all that much is that it feels like a dont know her. ive told her this and she says i do know her but it just seems like what if theres this whole other side to her i dont know about, one that goes off sleeping with random people and laughing about it behind my back. but then the sensible side tells me 'why would she do that'? when i was first getting to know her she was a really quiet and shy person and i think she is still like that with people she doesnt know but then i wonder if it was all just a really good well thought out act.
Why can i not just trust her and get back to being happy because thats what i really wan to do and i dont want anymore of this heartache.
Well thats about it.
Congrats if you read this far.
Right.
Well bit of background, i've been with cat since june 2004 so nearly 2 years together now. Things were great to start with and we go on fantastically.
skip to jan 05, i find out cat has been meeting up with this lad, she swore nothing had happened and they just talked so i told her if we were to work she needed to stop seeing him. she agreed and we stayed together. a few weeks after this i find his number still on her phone and her brother tells me she had been talking to that guy on msn. i went mental,dumped her on the spot and walked out. she chased after me crying her eyes out and begging me for another chance which after some persuasion i gave her.
After this, no more mention of the guy, the texts and phone calls/msn convos had stopped.
This incident left me pretty paranoid about her though and it still does to this day.
Nothing else has happened since that but it's still always there in the back of my mind and i just want things to get back to normal.
Its been nearly a year since the last appearance of this guy but i cant seem to move past it. i find myself doubting nearly everything she says but this also depends on the mood im in. sometimes its like the old days and nothing she says bothers me. for example she might tell me shes going on a night out with some of her mates. sometimes i will just say 'sure, ok have a good time', but other times i just think 'is she really going out with her mates or somewhere else? will she be faithfull?'
This is really killing me inside and its tearing out relationship apart. she gets upset when i question everything she does but shes also given me alot of support and shes broken down in tears a few times saying shes wrecked things between us. Right after the incident with the other lad, things were ok between us but they have slowly got worse because of it and now we seem to always fight.
I love her. i really do love her otherwise i would have walked away a long time ago. with everybody else ive ever been with ive never really got attached, ive either just go bored or dumped then moved on to someone else and repeated the cycle again. this time its different though and this actually really hurts inside when we argue.
I honestly dont know what to do weather to stick it out and hope things work out and the trust builds back up.(but then its been nearly a year, surely things should be better, not worse) or whether to just suck it up and let go (which would be really hard to do and i do actually want to be with her).
I think the whole reason i have for not trusting her all that much is that it feels like a dont know her. ive told her this and she says i do know her but it just seems like what if theres this whole other side to her i dont know about, one that goes off sleeping with random people and laughing about it behind my back. but then the sensible side tells me 'why would she do that'? when i was first getting to know her she was a really quiet and shy person and i think she is still like that with people she doesnt know but then i wonder if it was all just a really good well thought out act.
Why can i not just trust her and get back to being happy because thats what i really wan to do and i dont want anymore of this heartache.
Well thats about it.
Congrats if you read this far.
0
Comments
Stay in?
Never go out without you?
Never talk to others without your approval?
what im trying to ask, is do you think its her behaviour thats making you insecure, or is it something in you?
She wasnt unfaithful to you and she stopped speaking to the guy, but youre not happy with that. I know your feelings are real to you, but you need to be realistic. Shes done what you asked but has the trust gone so completely that shes never gonna be able to make up for the fact she used to have a male friend?
The logical side of me can see that its me thats damaging the relationship and im probably just pushing her away. but then the other side of me cant seem to help it and makes me over think everything. :banghead:
Whats the point of her being a good girl if youre going to think the worst of her anyway, or even worse, she might think she has to change who she is to please you - then she wouldnt be the girl you fell in love with.
You need to relax and be happy with your lovely girl who has already made sacrifices for you and give her some lee-way. the trust will come when you let it.
it was all good a tthe start, but i was a paranoid wreck at the end
wee small things, wee small lies, her doing we small silly distrustful things made me lose my trust ... sorta acted as a catalyst, got me thinking 'if shes capable of lying and doing x, how do i know shes not capaoble of doing y or z'
the relationship slowly deterioriated through my paranoia, questioning everything, accusing everything .. it was all my fault ... all in my head though, i couldnt control it ... paranoias the worst .. its you and your own mind, nobody has sympathy for you .. on the outside you just look like some over protective dickhead
anything to do with her and another male and i couldnt stand it, it was terrible, at tthe end i was a serious complete and utter paranoid wreck with my head up my arse .. then she left me and refused to talk to me since i was hasseling her so much trying to get her back,, and i had all sorts going through my head and it was the worst point in my fucking life and i hated her for it .. but now i realise its my fault (or more the uncontrollable things my mind does)
but after a fair bit of serious drug abuse, dropping out of my alevels and being very depressed im startin to feel a bit better and lifes startin to go on !
i dont really know the point im trying to make, sorry for sorta hijacking your thread, this just reminded me of it so i thought id rant .. but for the record paranoia is a fucking cunt and it ruined my happiness and dont let it ruin yours
but pm me if you wanna talk about anythin to do with paranoia and relationships, cuz its something im famaliar with unfortunately
cant stress this enough, made me lose what i valued most
All I know is now im with someone who I dont feel insecure with, and i trust what he says because it FEELS true, so maybe it wasnt just me all along?
Z01, i can relate to everything you said in that long post and i can even predict things turning out the same if they dont change.
You need to sort it out or you WILL lose her, forever.
i went to see the counsellor at my local gp, who was pretty useless, then i got my gp to write me a reference so i could go to some proper psychiatrist which help a lot more ... in saying that i was at the counsellor when i was with the girl and the psychiatrist after when i was with her ..
one thing though, i was really ignorant, i was deteremined the way that i was thinking at the time was completly rational .. i thought it was ok to have to know everything she was doing etc etc ..
it was a stupid way of thinking and it ruined the relationship, and she done some really shit stuff to really hurt me, but that was only because i had pushed her and pushed her
im rarely like that with that girl im with now, we've been going for over 6 months now .. i do get paranoid sometimes but i can control it a lot better now and it isnt too much of an issue.. this relationship is nowhere near as intense as the last one, but i do really like her and we see eachother and talk to eachother all the time
well .. pm me if you want this is too much public stuff for me! :nervous:
Its my 6th and last session tommorow, and theres still a bit more I need to talk about, but I really suggest maybe seeing if you can get an appointment, and hopefully with a counsellor as good as mine, but you have to be open minded and willing to talk openly about stuff you might not be used to talking about.
PM me if you wanna chat from a females point of view.
Also like to add many thanks to those that pm'd me to talk further about this as i think this is what has helped me the most. cheers! :thumb: