Really Confused. What Should I Do?

Former Member · January 2006

I'll make this post short and simple.

I have dated my current girlfriend for about 6 months. We both love each other. She has never done anything past kissing with a guy before. I am ready to do more physically with our relationship, but don't know if she is. What is the best way to talk to her about it? What do I say, How do I say it? Should I even bring it up?

Thanks,
i see you

Former Member · January 2006

whatever you do, make it clear to her that it's not complusory that she make the next step with you.

secondly, i think you show a huge amount of respect for thinking of asking her about it, as quite a few men would just try it on, without talking about it.

so maybe just bring it up "well would you ever like to go further than kissing with me? would you be ready to? will you tell me when you are?"

on the other hand she may be far too shy to talk about it, and may jus need to either start going further, or have it started for her- so don't be put off if she seems reluctant to talk about it, she could very well just be shy.

Former Member · January 2006

Yeah I really do care for her... I'd be too scared about risking losing her if I just went for it..

What do you mean by "and may jus need to either start going further, or have it started for her"?

We are both 16 btw. If that matters. I would never do anything to hurt her... I tried to talk about it with her not too long ago... and she thought I was talking about love. I did'nt find this out till like 2 hours later, and then said I was talking about love too to avoid any confrontation... (i was scared! lol)

Thanks for your advice so far. Anyone else?

Thanks,
i see you

Former Member · January 2006

i see you wrote:

...

don't push it, would be my advice. let her decide when she's ready

Former Member · January 2006

O_o wrote:

don't push it, would be my advice. let her decide when she's ready

Thing is though, I don't think she'd tell me if / when she was.

Former Member · January 2006

Just try and talk to her gently about it, don't push it or make her feel pressurised into anything. I'd advise you talk to her face to face about it cuz u wouldnt be able to see her reaction if you were to talk on the phone or text her. You could just ask "how would you feel about taking things a little further?" Take everything 1 step at a time - Good luck

Former Member · January 2006

try to tell her in a indirect way first,tendly,show your great respect and patience to her...

Former Member · January 2006

anyone else have any advice?

Former Member · January 2006

sometimes talking about it makes it a huge deal. maybe you should try just going with the flow, if your in bed kissing or something, just let your hands wonder a bit and see what she says. If you can tell she's tense then stop and maybe mention that sometime, not necessarily right now, you'd like to do more, so it kind of puts the idea in her head. But always ask her before anything major, maybe she just needs a bit of encouragement

Former Member · January 2006

by the way though, if she says no. you'l have to leave it at that, dont' push her into doing things she feels uncomfortable about

Former Member · January 2006

Yeah I wouldn't talk about it, i'd just go for it. Move your hands lower when you're kissing, and see what response you get, just test the water. If she stops kissing and pulls away, then you can drop in the fact you want to do more, but don't force the subject.

Former Member · January 2006

i see you wrote:

Thing is though, I don't think she'd tell me if / when she was.

That's what i mean by she may need it doing for her, like Luce suggested just there. some people really want to go further - or to give another example go and pull that amazing guy that they've never talked to before- but cos they're t oo shy they need help getting over the first hurdle.

don't be scared- if you two can't talk about this, how can you talk about other things too??

Former Member · January 2006

queenmab_roo wrote:

That's what i mean by she may need it doing for her, like Luce suggested just there. some people really want to go further - or to give another example go and pull that amazing guy that they've never talked to before- but cos they're t oo shy they need help getting over the first hurdle.

don't be scared- if you two can't talk about this, how can you talk about other things too??

Thanks for that. I'm just nervous about what she'd say... What are some signs that she would be ready for more? I know that she says shes against sex till marriage, but we've talked about stuff other than sex and she said that she isnt against stuff other than sex before marriage.

Thanks,
i see you

Former Member · January 2006

She's obviously open to the idea of doing some sexual stuff before marriage, just not necessarily going the whole way. Probably needs a bit of prompting, and you to do the initiating!

Former Member · January 2006

Luce wrote:

She's obviously open to the idea of doing some sexual stuff before marriage, just not necessarily going the whole way. Probably needs a bit of prompting, and you to do the initiating!

How exactly would I go about 'prompting' and 'initiating' without looking like an guy whos only in it for the sex? Anything I can do to prepare her for it, like plant the idea in her head?

thanks,
i see you

Former Member · January 2006

to be honest if you cant even talk to your girlfriend about sex and taking your relationship further then your not ready to take it further

Former Member · January 2006

Well i think if you've been together for 6 months already, you're clearly not just in it for the sex. Like other people have said, when you're kissing or whatever, just let your hands wander a little bit and test the water so to speak. It'll probably build upto sex, rather than just talking about it and deciding to do it on x day at y pm.

Former Member · January 2006

where do you put your hands when you are kissing her? there are plenty of sublte ways to signal your desire, without being pushy, that are also affectionate
pull her gently closer to you when you kiss, with your hands gently around her waist, hold her to you and kiss her collarbone- you dont have to snog it- just kiss it very lightly with your lips- most girls practically faint with pleasure, well i do.
tell her how wonderful you think she is and that you wish there was some more eloquent way to express it, then kiss her and just touch her tenderly, nowhere specific, but with all the respect and love you feel for her. and dont push it. things will happen when they are meant to.

Former Member · January 2006

if she cares for you as much as you do for her she will tell you when she is ready and for the most part i think that you will know, i know that, it sounds strange but trust me you will

Former Member · January 2006

pebblesnpeaches wrote:

if she cares for you as much as you do for her she will tell you when she is ready and for the most part i think that you will know, i know that, it sounds strange but trust me you will

Couldnt the same be said for me?

That I would tell her when I am ready?

Former Member · January 2006

Yes the same could be said for you But you need to approch the subject. but the big question is Are YOU ready if you have to ask your self these questions then it seems to me that now maybe isnt right for you let alone her? I think that it is great that you think about her feelings so much but what about how you feel about the situation

Former Member · January 2006

pebblesnpeaches wrote:

Yes the same could be said for you But you need to approch the subject. but the big question is Are YOU ready if you have to ask your self these questions then it seems to me that now maybe isnt right for you let alone her? I think that it is great that you think about her feelings so much but what about how you feel about the situation

I AM ready. I am just nervous about if she will ever be. I mean, shes never done anything like that with anyone... I'm just a little nervous about what could happen. I love her more than anything... and wouldnt want to hurt her. Thats the only reason I have these questions; b.c I care about her so much.

- i see you

Former Member · January 2006

I think it's really great that you care so much to go through all this trouble.

If you're afraid of making her uncomfortable, you can try to bring it up and ask her about it before you do anything, if she would like to take things a bit further sexually. But choose the right time though, in an intimate moment, maybe just after you've been kissing, ask her gently about it. Tell her how you feel but make it quite clear that you're not pressuring her into anything, that you're just trying to be honest about how you feel and what you would like. After all, sexuality is about expressing your feelings for the other person (in a loving relationship like yours). If you take this approach there's no reason for her to think badly of you. If anything, she should feel lucky to have a guy who cares so much about her and respects her.

But be prepared for a negative though- and be prepared to show her all your warm feelings for her even so.

Former Member · January 2006

bluewisdom wrote:

I think it's really great that you care so much to go through all this trouble.

If you're afraid of making her uncomfortable, you can try to bring it up and ask her about it before you do anything, if she would like to take things a bit further sexually. But choose the right time though, in an intimate moment, maybe just after you've been kissing, ask her gently about it. Tell her how you feel but make it quite clear that you're not pressuring her into anything, that you're just trying to be honest about how you feel and what you would like. After all, sexuality is about expressing your feelings for the other person (in a loving relationship like yours). If you take this approach there's no reason for her to think badly of you. If anything, she should feel lucky to have a guy who cares so much about her and respects her.

But be prepared for a negative though- and be prepared to show her all your warm feelings for her even so.

That is some amazing advice... But I still can't ever see her reacting positively to that... and I'm really, really nervous about what would happen if I did that... Are you sure asking her in person would be best? I was thinking maybe bring it up on the phone... Personally I think that would be the best and least scary way... Am I wrong? Will anyone offer any more advice?

I'm starting to think that I shouldn't even be thinking this now, I sorta feel bad. Even though I know that I would never 'use' her and That I am ready.

I'm just nervous b.c Im her second bf and I don't want to screw our relationship up...

Please help!!

thanks,
i see you

Former Member · January 2006

i see you wrote:

That is some amazing advice... But I still can't ever see her reacting positively to that... and I'm really, really nervous about what would happen if I did that... Are you sure asking her in person would be best? I was thinking maybe bring it up on the phone... Personally I think that would be the best and least scary way... Am I wrong? Will anyone offer any more advice?

I'm starting to think that I shouldn't even be thinking this now, I sorta feel bad. Even though I know that I would never 'use' her and That I am ready.

I'm just nervous b.c Im her second bf and I don't want to screw our relationship up...

Please help!!

thanks,
i see you

About talking it over on the phone, my humble personal opinion is NO WAY. It's much too personal a subject to be talking about it on the phone (at this stage of things anyway). I say definitely in person, I know you're nervous but pluck up the courage, if you want your relationship to grow you'll need to talk about this stuff. And it will get easier with time, I guarantee it.

And secondly, relax! If there's trust and caring in your relationship there's no way a question that is posed nicely and respectfully should screw everything up. It's pretty clear that you care about her a lot, I'm sure she knows this too, so if you are your caring self while you bring this up there shouldn't be any reason for your whole relationship to get screwed.

Oh, and don't feel bad about thinking about this, it's only natural.

Really Confused. What Should I Do?

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