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'I don't want a relationship...'

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
My boyfriend of about 3 months broke up with me last week because he claimed he didnt want to be in a relationship. He had come out of a 5 year relationship 6 months before we started dating and when we first got together he said he didnt want a realtionship but he also didnt want to shag around (which is what he had been doing for 6 months)

I never pushed him, or acted needy or clingy, he was always the one who pushed things forward, wanted to see me lots, emphasised the fact that i was his girlfriend etc. And up until about a week before he broke up with me he was completely normal with me.

The last time i saw him i was slightly moody with him cos he had been making excuses not to see me for a few days, he then completely avoided me for about 5 days and just kept texting saying we needed to talk and he needed to sort his head. He also texted and said he didnt want us to break up and he really liked me and when eventually he did break up with he said this again...

I guess what i want to know is has anyone been in this situation? i.e. come out of a long term relationship and started a new one, only to realise a few months down the line that it isnt what u want? Is this a genuine excuse? I've got no idea cos ive never been in a long term relationship, just feeling very confused and pissed off with him right now cos i feel like ive been lead on.

Thanks for reading xx

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yar, if their head is so 'messed up' they shouldn't begin a new relationship in the first place. Some people just have no idea what they want. Its kinda lame.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, this exact thing happened to my sister. Her and her best friend had both been in very serious relationships and broke up about the same time and then got together.

    A few months later, even though it was all amazing and fantastic, her boyfriend said that he just didn't want a serious thing at that time (neither did she, but she thought it was worth it.)

    However, he realised how stupid he was a few months later and they got back together. It's true, maybe someone isn't in the best place for something long-term. But if the relationship is worth it, it just doesn't matter.

    Hopefully, this guy will soon realise what a mistake he's made. It's a genuine excuse, he's probably quite confused at the moment. If your relationship is worth it, it will work. At least, that's the way I see it.

    I don't think he 'led you on' intentionally. His feelings were probably genuine, just wrapped up in a lot of other stuff going on in his head.

    If I were you, I'd talk to him and basically say 'look, I understand, but either you want me or not,' because that fact should override any confusion. Try be understanding, though I know that must be so so hard, considering how you must be feeling at the moment. Give him a little time to sort out his head. He'll come to a definite conclusion soon.

    Good luck - you don't deserve to be messed around.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Happened to me, but it didnt take me three months to work out it wasnt what I wanted. More like 5 days (and I only saw her once out of college). Hope everything turns out ok for you :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry to hear that, know it's shit but least he's had the courage to be honest about it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know where hes coming from. I had a 5 year relationship end and then started "meeting up" with a girl. I told her from the start that I didnt want a girlfriend and that I didnt expect anything from her because she couldnt expect anything from me. It got heavy recently so I explained that it wasnt what I wanted. It may seem from the outside that I was leading her on but I was always honest and she appreciated that.
    I guess its just nice to know that someone wants to be around you. maybe this guy was feeling lonely and liked you, thought he was ready then realsied he wasnt. It sucks and he should never have called you his girlfriend but he sounds like he righted his wrong in the end.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for all your replies, he actually texted me last night saying he'd been questioning what he'd done all week but i wouldn't be prepared to get back togther with him if he asked because he clearly doesn't really know what he wants and it wouldnt be fair on me. Ah well!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This has also happened to me! 6 months to get over a 5-year relationship is not that long, and I don't think he intentionally led you on. Re: Rachael's comment, you can't know your head isn't still messed up until you try to go out with someone else. If it doesn't work, then you obviously aren't over it, which is unfortunate forthe person you got involved with.
    "I guess its just nice to know that someone wants to be around you. maybe this guy was feeling lonely and liked you, thought he was ready then realsied he wasnt." I think that just about sums it up.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    Yar, if their head is so 'messed up' they shouldn't begin a new relationship in the first place.
    agreed. most people do it just on the rebound.
    i think whenever a relationship ends you need time to get over your loss, before starting a new one, otherwise you'll just fuck up your new relationship.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree, but it's often difficult to gauge how much time you need. I hope I would be able to spot someone on the rebound easier now, and try to avoid getting into any relationship that could all go pear-shaped later.
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    BunnieBunnie Posts: 6,099 Master Poster
    i know how you feel, its just happened to me. so if u need me, or fancy a chat PM me, and we can moan together! its just a shame that u had to get involved with him trying to sort his head out, but try and focus on the good times u had, and that the perfect someone will be out there for you. this lad just needs some space, and u need to go out on a piss up with the girls lol! it works a treat!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Let's be honest here.

    You meet someone, you get into a relationship.
    How do you know it's going to work?
    You don't - but you want to give it a chance. so a Month or two down the line, perhaps it isn't working, or you're thinking about the ex too much. You call it off.

    It's nothing to do with being on the rebound.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BrightSide wrote:
    Let's be honest here.

    You meet someone, you get into a relationship.
    How do you know it's going to work?
    You don't - but you want to give it a chance. so a Month or two down the line, perhaps it isn't working, or you're thinking about the ex too much. You call it off.

    It's nothing to do with being on the rebound.
    exactly.
    It may well have been a rebound thing for him, but it might not have been. He might just have decided its not quite right and after his experience doesnt want to waste time if hes not really feeling it.
    Youre right to not let him muck you around though.
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