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Boyfriend won't plan for the future
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been with my boyfriend for eighteen months. It's a LRD during the week as he's on his placement year from uni but we see each other every weekend. We're pretty happy, with only the one issue causing tension.
Like I said, he's on his placement year. He goes back to uni in Oct 2006 for his fourth year and graduates in June 2007. He then goes back to the firm he's doing his placement with for a minimum of a year. This company and his uni are about 40 minutes apart (two hours from where I, and his parents, live). He's moving house in Oct 2006, then back again in Jun 2007. The grand plan is that I move with him (buy/rent together, just the two of us) in Jun 2007. When thinking practically, there is little point in me moving there, say, now because I would have to change my job three times in two years. Honestly though, I would move tomorrow if I could.
Thing is he won't talk about planning for the future. Or rather, he'll talk about it, but not in any great detail and as soon as the conversation is over he'll forget all about it. I don't think it's that he has any 'committment issues' because he's forever talking about 'when we're old' but he won't confront what's going to happen in the next few years, only what will probably happen in five or ten years time.
He always uses the money side of things to stop me in my tracks. He'll claim he can't think about saving for a deposit etc when he's back at uni (doesn't work during term time) and he's just had to spend a couple of grand on a new car last week. The way he's thinking about it, he'll never start saving - or even think about saving - until he graduates.. Which is right when he/we should be moving in to this house which he obviously believes he's going to obtain without any forethought or planning or money!! I can't seem to get him to talk about it or give it any thought. I'm trying not to be heavy about it cos I'm not really that kinda person, but at the same time, I think he does need to think about it! (regardless of whether it involves me or not).
Relationship wise, it's starting to cause an issue because it feels like we're going nowhere; there's nothing to aim towards or look forward too. It's hard enough as it is being apart, but he seems to think that looking forward to the next weekend when we'll next see each other is far enough in the future! I honestly don't know if I can tolerate another eighteen months of this. It's been getting more of an issue in the past few months and I can only see it getting worse and worse.
It doesn't help that all of my friends are getting engaged and moving in with their boyfriends/fiances. I'd feel awkward being engaged and not living together so that's not an issue, but everyone else seems to be moving on and I'm just stuck in limbo... :banghead:
Any advice, anyone?
Like I said, he's on his placement year. He goes back to uni in Oct 2006 for his fourth year and graduates in June 2007. He then goes back to the firm he's doing his placement with for a minimum of a year. This company and his uni are about 40 minutes apart (two hours from where I, and his parents, live). He's moving house in Oct 2006, then back again in Jun 2007. The grand plan is that I move with him (buy/rent together, just the two of us) in Jun 2007. When thinking practically, there is little point in me moving there, say, now because I would have to change my job three times in two years. Honestly though, I would move tomorrow if I could.
Thing is he won't talk about planning for the future. Or rather, he'll talk about it, but not in any great detail and as soon as the conversation is over he'll forget all about it. I don't think it's that he has any 'committment issues' because he's forever talking about 'when we're old' but he won't confront what's going to happen in the next few years, only what will probably happen in five or ten years time.
He always uses the money side of things to stop me in my tracks. He'll claim he can't think about saving for a deposit etc when he's back at uni (doesn't work during term time) and he's just had to spend a couple of grand on a new car last week. The way he's thinking about it, he'll never start saving - or even think about saving - until he graduates.. Which is right when he/we should be moving in to this house which he obviously believes he's going to obtain without any forethought or planning or money!! I can't seem to get him to talk about it or give it any thought. I'm trying not to be heavy about it cos I'm not really that kinda person, but at the same time, I think he does need to think about it! (regardless of whether it involves me or not).
Relationship wise, it's starting to cause an issue because it feels like we're going nowhere; there's nothing to aim towards or look forward too. It's hard enough as it is being apart, but he seems to think that looking forward to the next weekend when we'll next see each other is far enough in the future! I honestly don't know if I can tolerate another eighteen months of this. It's been getting more of an issue in the past few months and I can only see it getting worse and worse.
It doesn't help that all of my friends are getting engaged and moving in with their boyfriends/fiances. I'd feel awkward being engaged and not living together so that's not an issue, but everyone else seems to be moving on and I'm just stuck in limbo... :banghead:
Any advice, anyone?
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Comments
How much have you saved to contribute to the deposit?
Nothing yet - which is my whole reason for bringing it up now, because I thought he/we should start thinking about it.
Obviously I'm not relying on it, but his parents have said all along that they're intending to pay the deposits when both my bf and his brother buy houses.
I admit I'm in a low paid job and can't afford to save any of my wages right now, but I am in the process of looking for a new, better paid, job so I'll have some spare cash to start saving.
I don't think about the future. Yeah, sure I know I should, but I'd rather spend £20 in the pub rather than on a pension or something else crap like that.
Why is it an issue?
Help.....I'm only 21 and as much as I love him, but sometimes when he starts talking about this grand plan I get ever so slightly freaked out. Though I would love to get engaged sometime over the next year.
If he is working full time (like I do) then maybe it's a student thing, not wanting to think about the future. I've never entertained the idea of going to uni for 3-4 years so I don't know about how students feel about graduating, counting the years/months/whatever. I'm not locked into anything (can change my job whenever) but I suppose it's different for students.
Maybe my problem does come from the freedom I have to switch and change whenever I like, whereas my bf doesn't have that and knows exactly what he'll be doing, work-wise, for the next 3-4 years *shrug*
I'm just looking at buying a house now, and you would be looking at 750quid a month for a mortgage that size, (including insurances etc)
That's a pretty big outlay when you're young. Save up a few years and enjoy yourselves.
And hope the arse falls out of the property market (like I'm praying!!!!)
I think its just dawning on me that i have only really 5 months left and then its out into the real world and I think that is what is worrying me, what if I can't get a job....where will I live....will it last once I leave London and it will take me about two hours to travel to his by public transport.
I'm planing to learn to drive this summer, as we do not have parking at my halls being in central London I thought there was no point spending money on lessons and a car etc... if I'm only going to use it for about three months a year.
So is my boyfriend, that or one of us wins a couple of million on the lottery, just enough to buy a house, pay of my student loan, pay for me to have driving lesson and then we will use the rest to help our parents pay off thier morgages.
Sounds like you're used to looking after the pennies, and he's not. Be careful, many relationships fail over money issues.
Men generally aren't very good at organising money, I know I'm not, my dad isn't, and my dad-in-law isn't either. I have a wife to do that sort of thing, and it suits us both down to the ground.
Why are you in a rush to make sure he settles down? Being young is about being rash and having fun, not about worrying about ISAs and pension funds.
That's about the only hope I have (unless I live in an area where I'd be murdered, and even then it's pushing it).
Paying rent for someone else's investment makes me (more) fucking bitter.
Nice of you;)
Seriously, even in this bloody place, what can you get for £45,000? Nowt (well, Leeds Road and Manningham). Otherwise it's chucking money at some cunt that already has enough.
I wouldn't say either of us are that bothered about counting money. I'm certainly not at the moment and he's cautious but not overly - his parents throw enough money at him that he doesn't have to worry.
Kermit, I'm not in a rush to make sure he settles down. I just think it's a good idea to start saving for the future. It's only 18 months away, that's not that long to save really. I'd have the same concerns for any friend in the same situation - everyone needs somewhere to live once they graduate! I think maybe I'm just more practical than he is - they do say many uni students have no common sense!