Is this a good idea?

Former Member · December 2005

I honestly believe that things are better out than in, and it is important to talk about traumatic events.

It doesn't need to be as formal as a therapist though, talking to your boyfriend if you're close to him is often just as good. It's important to air the thoughts through, to get them out and stop them being so painful.

I don't always think that you need to be "qualified" to help. Someone close to me was raped and she took far more out of talking to me about it than she even did from a counsellor.

Former Member · December 2005

Its difficult to say, for some people a counsellor works for others it does not. I also have part of my past which I keep hidden from most people, but I found I could share it with a few people, one being my boyfriend and two of my closest friends that I have had over the years. Like Kermit I believe it is important to talk about traumatic events. I don't really know why it helps but I just find it does.

Former Member · December 2005

Kermit wrote:

I honestly believe that things are better out than in, and it is important to talk about traumatic events.

It doesn't need to be as formal as a therapist though, talking to your boyfriend if you're close to him is often just as good. It's important to air the thoughts through, to get them out and stop them being so painful.

I don't always think that you need to be "qualified" to help. Someone close to me was raped and she took far more out of talking to me about it than she even did from a counsellor.

Thanks for the advice.

I just worry that that's a huge burden for someone to take on. Someone who's obviously going to carry it with them 24 hours a day, rather than someone who's paid to help and then can detach. I don't want to be nosy, I know that if you care about someone then you're happy to share the load of their problems etc, but didn't you find it very difficult?

As for my boyfriend specifically, we've discussed it before. In a way. I'm not dismissing how supportive he is, but he's really not equipped to deal with it. He's in turns sympathetic and angry, (at the risk of sounding like an ungrateful cow) neither of which are helpful.

That said, I don't think there is a difference between a qualified and unqualified listener, you're right. I'm sure I'd find it incredibly difficult talking about it either way. It's actually getting it out there that's the problem, saying what happened. I can't help but feel ashamed of it, despite my brain being fully aware that it wasn't my fault.

Former Member · December 2005

Little_one wrote:

Its difficult to say, for some people a counsellor works for others it does not. I also have part of my past which I keep hidden from most people, but I found I could share it with a few people, one being my boyfriend and two of my closest friends that I have had over the years. Like Kermit I believe it is important to talk about traumatic events. I don't really know why it helps but I just find it does.

I've gotten close to telling my best friend a few times, and I think he might have guessed from all the little bits of the story I've told him over the years. I can't bring myself to tell him though, and that's no reflection on our friendship...probably a lot to do with what I said before - I can't actually say it aloud without feeling entirely embarassed and ashamed.

Former Member · December 2005

hun its not your fault. and as the other said its better out than in. i tend to me the person all my friends come to when they have problems, not sure why as i have enough of them myself. They say its because i'm a good listerner. talk to your boyfriend, i'm sure he'll understand.

Former Member · December 2005

briggi wrote:

As for my boyfriend specifically, we've discussed it before. In a way. I'm not dismissing how supportive he is, but he's really not equipped to deal with it. He's in turns sympathetic and angry, (at the risk of sounding like an ungrateful cow) neither of which are helpful.

It's actually getting it out there that's the problem, saying what happened. I can't help but feel ashamed of it, despite my brain being fully aware that it wasn't my fault.

I have the same problems, my boyfreiend was sympathetic, but he also got slightly angry as I was blaming myself for somthing that was not my fault and I was calling myself worthless. But you just can't help but feel ashamed. Its funny how little things remind you of waht happened and how it comes to you when you least expect it too.

Former Member · December 2005

MattLiverpool wrote:

I've had a very similar thign happen to me, did he sexually abuse you?

I remmember literally waking up the next morning thinking it was a dream. I would piece things together in my mind and wonder if it was real or not, I didn't think my mind could play tricks on me like that. Even now it still doesn't conciously register that something happened to me, I have to think about it like it happened to somebody else to realise how bad it was, I don't feel as though I was abused kind of thing.

Another thing, I only ever told my ex gf about it, only because I had to. I always feel like why should I have to burden someone else with this kind of thing? if I tell someone it'll only make them have to carry the weight of what happened and it'll make people look at me and treat me differently, pity me or feel sorry for me, so i've never told anyone but her, not even my best friend. Also it was a very big mistake I told her.

To be honest I hardly EVER think about it, I see kids on tv who have been abused and still think "wow that must be horrible" it's so strange how your mind works, I still don't feel like I was abused BUT throughout the years i've realised how it has changed the way I am, i'm a different person because of it, I do things then wonder why and realise why I did them now. I don't ever conciously think about it but sometimes when i feel another grow man touch my arm or something I draw back or I feel like a flashback. So strange how our minds work.

Tell me if any of this hits home..

It all hit home, I think I could've probably written that myself. You pretty much described the way I've felt about it through the years, or to be more specific the way I haven't felt about it.

I especially agree about realising how much it's changed the way you are, not necessarily negatively either. I can actually imagine ways in which I'd be (or at least feel) different if it hadn't happened, although how can I possibly know that?

I'm sorry to hear that telling your ex was a mistake. Without knowing the details of why it was a mistake, that kind of confirms something to me though. When I ever consider telling friends or a family member, I have this tiny voice in my head that is so distrustful and probably paranoid. I'm terrified of someone "having this over me", or using it against me...and that reflects more on me than my friends and relatives. I suppose it's just self-preservation. I don't know.

If you don't mind me asking, I know you said you only told your ex girlfriend. Does that mean that you didn't tell a parent/relative at the time?

Is this a good idea?

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