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Sharing my friends
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
The way i've always been is that my mates are my mates, and my girlfriends are my girlfriends and they are seperate. This isn't to say that one can't be there when the others are, but I generally go out with my mates or my girlfriend.
In the past I have tried to make my gf part of my 'group of friends' but it didn't work, I could never relax with her there and felt I couldn't leave her incase she thought I was neglecting her, also it got a bit messy when she left me as it wasn't just me and her it affected.
My current gf seems to think that we should go out with my friends and do things with them in a group and gets annoyed when I say I don't want to. I don't mind the occasional thing, but my mates are MY mates, not hers.
If she were to come out then 90% of the time it would be her and 5 or 6 guys, which i'm sure she wouldn't really want. I've told her that my mates are either single, or don't bring their gfs out with them. If there ever is a girl in the group on a night out then it is someone we have met out there and one of my mates is trying to chat her up. So it's not even as though she would have the opportunity to get all friendly and chatty with her.
The thing is that she doesn't have many close friends and it feels like she's using me as some sort of social stepping stone. It's like she expects me to make friends for her and give her all mine. She never makes much of an effort with her own friends and doesn't see them very often, but that's not my fault
!
How would you guys react to this (in either mine or my gf's position)? What would you do?
Also, how do I go about telling her that my nights out (which happen about once a fortnight) are for me and my mates and not her without sounding too harsh? I just don't want to be put on some guilt trip every time I go out and have fun with my friends just because she's not doing the same.
Thanks.
......Oh, just thought i'd add that she does (very infrequently mind) go out with just her and her friends, I don't mind this in the slightest, and would not mind if she did it more often.
In the past I have tried to make my gf part of my 'group of friends' but it didn't work, I could never relax with her there and felt I couldn't leave her incase she thought I was neglecting her, also it got a bit messy when she left me as it wasn't just me and her it affected.
My current gf seems to think that we should go out with my friends and do things with them in a group and gets annoyed when I say I don't want to. I don't mind the occasional thing, but my mates are MY mates, not hers.
If she were to come out then 90% of the time it would be her and 5 or 6 guys, which i'm sure she wouldn't really want. I've told her that my mates are either single, or don't bring their gfs out with them. If there ever is a girl in the group on a night out then it is someone we have met out there and one of my mates is trying to chat her up. So it's not even as though she would have the opportunity to get all friendly and chatty with her.
The thing is that she doesn't have many close friends and it feels like she's using me as some sort of social stepping stone. It's like she expects me to make friends for her and give her all mine. She never makes much of an effort with her own friends and doesn't see them very often, but that's not my fault
!
How would you guys react to this (in either mine or my gf's position)? What would you do?
Also, how do I go about telling her that my nights out (which happen about once a fortnight) are for me and my mates and not her without sounding too harsh? I just don't want to be put on some guilt trip every time I go out and have fun with my friends just because she's not doing the same.
Thanks.
......Oh, just thought i'd add that she does (very infrequently mind) go out with just her and her friends, I don't mind this in the slightest, and would not mind if she did it more often.
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Comments
the whole neglecting thing is bull, have u noticed if she has got someone like her mate with her u wont see her at all most of the night and if she aint u have to practically babysit her.
when it comes to the going out thing with ure buddy's just say to her that the boys would like me to go out with her if she says no just say to her well u go out with ure mates so im doing the exact same,
i feel there is too many men this stone age that take too much shit off their girlfriends and feel like that have to be at their side all of the time..there must be a reason why she hates u going out with the boys, sit her down and ask her why?
it will most prob be the reason that she feels insecure u go out with a group of lads and she reckons u will be on the pull. the thing i am doing is she goes out with her mates one week and i do then we go out together the other time we can afford to go out. I know its hard buddy and u love her to bits but i think u have to see the reason why mate and prove to her that she is the only bird for u in the place u go out.
i am like u mate my ex i could relax with when she was with my mates, u feel on edge and even tho she is feeling that she is gaining ure mates, she isnt really mate..
Mate i think she is just feeling really down and alone at the mo buddy, just tell her she might feel better bout herself if she went out with her mates and made it up to them...dont be a cunt to her but keep ure foot down mate...
Yes, when she is with her mates, i'll either say I won't go so they can spend the night chatting, or i'll be left to my own devices if I go with them, I don't mind this though. If her mates aren't there I find it hard to leave her on her own. She says she's fine but i'll get the silent treatment for the rest of the night, so even if I do go back and talk to her I start wishing I hadn't bothered.
I don't think she would stop me, she just goes a bit funny the next day, like i've done something wrong.
I've asked her before if she trusts me when i'm out on my own, and she says she does. She never worries about me cheating because i'm not that kind of person. I always got the impression that she felt left out becaues I was going out and she wasn't and maybe she was jelous about me spending time with my friends when she doesn't spend time with hers (which is her own fault).
She knows she's the only girl for me, but it could be the case that she's not telling me everything and she really is worried?
To be honest I don't see your girlfriend's problem with you going out every so often with your mates, maybe you just need to explain to her that you like having time with your mates without her and it's important to you and if she respects and understands that she should be fine. If not I would question whether you want to be with someone like her.
My blokes mates are all really nice lads, and we often go out together, I bring my friends along and we go out as a massive group. We split up for a bit, but his friends would ring me, still insist on dragging me out or if we bumped into them in town they would spend the rest of the envening with us. Infact they spent alot of time trying to get us back together!
It was really arkward while the fella and I had split, and it all came to a head one night when he started an almighty row saying that they were his friends not mine etc etc. We got back together again immedietly after the row, but, are you maybe a bit worried that she might get on too well with them if left to her own devices?
I understand that you all need space but, your friends obviously mean alot to you and she probably (irrationally albiet) feels a bit left out.
Yes, I think I do worry that she will get on too well which would cause big problems if we split up.
I think she does feel left out, but I think it's mainly down to the fact that she doesn't see her friends that much, which she could do if she made more of an effort.
I agree it sounds like she's not making too much of an effort, but it does come across as a teeny bit sulky with all the "but they're MY friends" stuff. Kind of like not wanting to share your toys when you were a kid?
If you aren't that serious with eachother then fair nough, but if you are serious, surely you want to build a life and have mutual friends?
I can't see myself splitting up with her, and I would have never said that was a reason for why I didn't want her to come out with me when I saw my friends. Even if I thought that I wouldn't say it to her.
That's what I worried, that I might be acting a bit childish and should just let her come along. But to be honest, I don't want her there. It's not a reflection on how I feel about her, it's just that I want to spend time with my friends, on my own.
I don't mean to put the fear of god into you or anything, but can you imagine a few years down the line if you got married and she didn't know anything about the best men at all and him likewise? How weird would that be? :eek:
I deffo agree she needs to put more of an effort in with her mates too tho. I think that's very important! I wouldn't give up my friends for anything but then sometimes you have to learn the hard way.
Best man would be my bro, so that's not a problem. But I see your point.
Maybe we just see things differently (me and her). She has friends, but I don't expect to become their friends or even spend time with them. If I happen to meet them I'lll be friendly and chat, but i'm not fussed about seeing them. However, she seems to expect that because these guys are my mates, they should now be her mates and we should all go out together.