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Fucked up emotions
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm not really sure where to start here but I just need to get it off my chest.
A few things have happened in the past while to make me really think about myself and it's really quite, well alarming when i think about it.
For one, I have never cried when someone close to me has died. My stepdad died about 5 years ago and I never cried. I felt shit about him dying but I never once shed a tear. The same with my gran, who I really was close to. In fact, I practically broke down when her dog died. What kind of person does that make me?
Another thing is my self-centredness. Whenever I have a problem, or something happens, I tell my mates, infact I complain to them about it. They haven't said anything to me about it but I know i must rattle on like a budgie about things they don't give a shit about. And everything, in my mind, has to lead back to me. Like the other day my mate was talking about dreams and I completely overtook the conversation by talking about a dream I had about a girl i liked and how much of a complete failure I was at being knocked back.
Another thing that happened was when i was at school. Even though right now i have lots of friends and i get on well with everyone life in school used to be the total opposite - I hung around with people who weren't my friends, they were wasters. I got bullied and I was a total outcast. Since then, and even now, when something is said and maybe it's the person behind me or something I have to know who and what it was about otherwise I get completely paranoid about it. I know this got kind of bad when someone literally told me to fuck up and stop imagining that everything revolves around me and that I'm "not so interesting that people have to talk about me".
Christ. That was long. Sorry about that. Rant over.
A few things have happened in the past while to make me really think about myself and it's really quite, well alarming when i think about it.
For one, I have never cried when someone close to me has died. My stepdad died about 5 years ago and I never cried. I felt shit about him dying but I never once shed a tear. The same with my gran, who I really was close to. In fact, I practically broke down when her dog died. What kind of person does that make me?
Another thing is my self-centredness. Whenever I have a problem, or something happens, I tell my mates, infact I complain to them about it. They haven't said anything to me about it but I know i must rattle on like a budgie about things they don't give a shit about. And everything, in my mind, has to lead back to me. Like the other day my mate was talking about dreams and I completely overtook the conversation by talking about a dream I had about a girl i liked and how much of a complete failure I was at being knocked back.
Another thing that happened was when i was at school. Even though right now i have lots of friends and i get on well with everyone life in school used to be the total opposite - I hung around with people who weren't my friends, they were wasters. I got bullied and I was a total outcast. Since then, and even now, when something is said and maybe it's the person behind me or something I have to know who and what it was about otherwise I get completely paranoid about it. I know this got kind of bad when someone literally told me to fuck up and stop imagining that everything revolves around me and that I'm "not so interesting that people have to talk about me".
Christ. That was long. Sorry about that. Rant over.
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Comments
the self centred thing... sometimes i think im really self centred. i can talk for hours about anything thats going on in my life as if everyones interested! any little thing i might be worried about or thinking about i need to tell people in detail. but then i realised this and i decided to take more interest in other peoples lives. so now i always make sure that i ask people questions i'd like to be asked and try not to chat on too much.
the paranoia thing is also something you need tyo deal with as well. its all to do with your self esteem and once you've built that up then you won't think everyone is talking behind your back. listen to that guy who says the world doesn't revolve around you. it might have been a harsh thing to say but its also true.
im sure all these things that you're learning about yourself are all to do with growing up and becoming a better person.
and if you are aware of being self cantred try working on changing it. try and force yourself to listen more. or start asking people their opinions on different things. at the end of the day, some people just have more to say than others. if your mates are still your mates then presumably its not bothering them too much - and if you are self concious enough to feel like that, may be try talking to them a bit about it? or asking them what they think?
definitely.
you're at one of those ages
I agree with everything lipsy said, though.
The paranoia thing - I get that and I was never bullied or anything. I can't tell you anything about how to help that, and in my experience it doesn't get much easier, so
You know where I am x