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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm not usually one to start a thread on here but i've come into a bit of a situation and wondered what people think about it...
Oh - and don't worry about not sugar coating any answers - I don't, and so don't expect anybody else to do so. Just want honest opinions.
Firstly, an outline of the situation:
My housemate was with a lass for under 3 months, half of which he spent out of the country with work. He broke it off (4-5 months ago now) as he wasn't happy, it just wasn’t working – to which I will be honest and say I advised him to break it off as he was miserable and it was starting to affect his work. Throughout the “relationship”, he was never affectionate towards her – yet, when I started hanging out with her (before anything had happened), he suddenly started being ridiculously clingly and very possessive. To be honest, it was embarrassing to watch, as he’s well over 30, also a professional – and simply put, better than that. He also started calling her every day, texting all the time etc etc which never used to happen. He started saying he missed her, but several times mentioned he didn’t want to try again – basically mind games to try keeping a “hold” over her. I have to point out that when they were seeing each other, I was not drawn to her at all – apart from the fact that I thought she was hot (as you do when you see a good looking person), so I had no hidden motives for advising him to break it off with her.
Over the last couple of months, she and I have grown quite close, and things have happened, both emotionally and physically. We’ve cooled it off over the last couple of weeks, as we felt we had to before it got out of hand. He’s suddenly decided (the last week or two) he’s not sure if he wants her back, and he’s said doesn’t want to see her with anybody else, saying that they can’t be friends if she starts seeing somebody – almost expecting her to choose between him and “new bloke”.
He’s lied about the fact he’s not been with anybody else to her (not that we can take the high ground here, which is not something I am proud of), denying all. Almost showing double standards – he’s allowed to sleep with other people + check people out when she’s there. But if she even mentions another guy – checking out, pulling etc, he goes nuts. She’s told him that there’s potentially somebody else, and that she doesn’t want to get back with him etc, and that if he can’t move on, it’s gonna cause issues. Life goes on, effectively.
The “unwritten rule” is that you don’t mess with your mate’s ex – which I have always stuck to, until now… Mainly due to the fact that they were together such an insignificant length of time – hardly worth noting, in my opinion (open for discussion).
We’re not kids, we’re both 26. I’m a professional, she’s a very successful dancer. We’ve talked about it, and we want to be together, but we haven’t been able to tell my housemate about it as I don’t think it will go down too well.
I’ve been single for 5 years (personal choice as I was loving it!!) – this is pretty much the first girl that has snagged me in every way, so it’s not something I am taking lightly. The chemistry is superb – just touching each other is like sending electricity through us. Quite pleasant really!
I’ve tried to be as frank as I can in my outline – any questions I will answer when I can. Obviously it’s going to be a little biased, but what do you expect..?!
So – my question(s):
Are we wrong to have let anything happen?
What are people’s opinions on if we should proceed or not?
Oh - and don't worry about not sugar coating any answers - I don't, and so don't expect anybody else to do so. Just want honest opinions.
Firstly, an outline of the situation:
My housemate was with a lass for under 3 months, half of which he spent out of the country with work. He broke it off (4-5 months ago now) as he wasn't happy, it just wasn’t working – to which I will be honest and say I advised him to break it off as he was miserable and it was starting to affect his work. Throughout the “relationship”, he was never affectionate towards her – yet, when I started hanging out with her (before anything had happened), he suddenly started being ridiculously clingly and very possessive. To be honest, it was embarrassing to watch, as he’s well over 30, also a professional – and simply put, better than that. He also started calling her every day, texting all the time etc etc which never used to happen. He started saying he missed her, but several times mentioned he didn’t want to try again – basically mind games to try keeping a “hold” over her. I have to point out that when they were seeing each other, I was not drawn to her at all – apart from the fact that I thought she was hot (as you do when you see a good looking person), so I had no hidden motives for advising him to break it off with her.
Over the last couple of months, she and I have grown quite close, and things have happened, both emotionally and physically. We’ve cooled it off over the last couple of weeks, as we felt we had to before it got out of hand. He’s suddenly decided (the last week or two) he’s not sure if he wants her back, and he’s said doesn’t want to see her with anybody else, saying that they can’t be friends if she starts seeing somebody – almost expecting her to choose between him and “new bloke”.
He’s lied about the fact he’s not been with anybody else to her (not that we can take the high ground here, which is not something I am proud of), denying all. Almost showing double standards – he’s allowed to sleep with other people + check people out when she’s there. But if she even mentions another guy – checking out, pulling etc, he goes nuts. She’s told him that there’s potentially somebody else, and that she doesn’t want to get back with him etc, and that if he can’t move on, it’s gonna cause issues. Life goes on, effectively.
The “unwritten rule” is that you don’t mess with your mate’s ex – which I have always stuck to, until now… Mainly due to the fact that they were together such an insignificant length of time – hardly worth noting, in my opinion (open for discussion).
We’re not kids, we’re both 26. I’m a professional, she’s a very successful dancer. We’ve talked about it, and we want to be together, but we haven’t been able to tell my housemate about it as I don’t think it will go down too well.
I’ve been single for 5 years (personal choice as I was loving it!!) – this is pretty much the first girl that has snagged me in every way, so it’s not something I am taking lightly. The chemistry is superb – just touching each other is like sending electricity through us. Quite pleasant really!
I’ve tried to be as frank as I can in my outline – any questions I will answer when I can. Obviously it’s going to be a little biased, but what do you expect..?!
So – my question(s):
Are we wrong to have let anything happen?
What are people’s opinions on if we should proceed or not?
0
Comments
He sounds like a twat. Mind you, I am sensing from what you wrote that she may have been slightly keen to get back with him maybe?
Is there any way you and your flatmate can get different flats?
Is that all he is - a flatmate, or is he also a friend?
He is also somebody that many people find very difficult to take as he can come off a little terse/arrogant. He's also very unsecure - although you would never know this unless you know him very well.
You sense correctly. For about a month, she was quite upset, simply because he never actually gave her a reason why he broke it off with her. I stayed out of it for, well, about a month until she said "I still don't know what I did wrong"... In the end, I relented and said (almost to a word):
"Look, you know I won't get involved in this, but all i'll say is that it was just the wrong time - you didn't really do anything wrong... I can't say any more"
"Closure" was all she needed.
Yup - that's the problem. I've been having a good think on how to approach the situation, but am at a bit of a loss... It's been on my mind for a long time now, as I don't like lying to people. I'm usually so up front about everything. Matters have been made worse with his recent "revelations" that he "needs a long over-due chat about their situation" as he's not sure how he feels... Almost a "she'll come running back" mindset.
The only thing i've been able to come up with is that wait a few months and judge his mood - the approach it in the following manner:
"Mate, i've a problem. I think i've started to have feelings towards <name>, and I think i'd like to pursue it and see what happens"
Far from ideal, as it requires more time with lying.
he isnt related to you and you need to question wether you want to be friends with a guy who has a problem personality.
go for it with this woman, but take it easy and make sure you are clear that she still hasnt got feelings for this guy.
you dont owe him anything, and youre only flatmates, go for it and make sure you treat her so good it hurts him,the way he hurt her, rub it in his face. and possibly start to look for alternative accomodation.
you dont lie to him, just get on with it. if he says anything to you just say to him 'well you didnt want her' he cant say anything cos he knows its true and its too late. HE CREATED the situation by doing the things he did to her so he has to deal with the way he feels and now he is trying to put the guilt on you, Fuck him. hes ended up single and he let a hot girl go - doh!
Oh yes - judging from his behaviour this last couple of months, I believe that would be the understatement of the decade!
Just a shame, as when he's not being wierd, I get on with him like a house a-fire!
Aye - he did let her go, that's for sure.
I will defend him to a point though - on the most part, he isn't a bastard. He's been right as rain with me (as I expected) but funny with her. He's just not very good at dealing with emotions, it would seem. I should've known as i've known him around 2.75 years.
For example - she comes round to our place and hangs out. Numerous times he's pulled her aside when i've left the room or when she's leaving, having a go for "ignoring him" or "barely speaking to him" when it's simply not been the case. I did challenge him on this asking him if he had a problem with the lady and I hanging out/being friends and he said "no, I just seem to create issues out of nothing".
Very very odd.
It is true - I don't owe him anything, but I really don't like to lose long term friends. I have a feeling that I would lose a couple of other friends as well if things were not to go too well with him.
I'm 100% sure she doesn't have any remaining feelings for him any more... He's tried messing with her head (although I don't think he realises how angry she was at times with him) too many times for her to think in too positive a light about him now etc.
I have to add that the last thing I really want to do is hurt him - i'm not that kind of person. Which is the whole crux of the problem. If I wanted to hurt him i'd just tell him what's been going on etc...
Dont be an idiot and stick up for him. He is manipulating you into feeling as if you have to take some of the responsibility for his mistake. in this case, all is fair in love and war.
think about it like this, if he really was your friend then the correct thing to do would be to 'wish you luck' and just deal with the fact that he made a mistake and he has to move on even tho it will be hard for him.She has a say in this too. he forgets that, and it sounds like she doesnt want him. Now its his turn to experience 'hotgirl' rejection. its all about winning for him and 'being da man'. He is pissed off cos he realises that he wasnt as awsome as he thought he was cos she picked you not him, he isnt a woman magnet. I hope you dont do what he does.
so in conclusion, he is a manipulative bastard, and im glad he got what he deserved. He might just grow uo now. Fuck him, the cunt. i love twistin the knife into guys like him - I really enjoy it and if was your mate id get off on telling him to his face and making him cry.
the otehr thing you can do if you feel you will upset others as well as him, is to back off from the whole thing and give it time, it sounds messy and can you be bothered with the hassle it will cause??. See how it comes out in the wash, that should then help you decide what to do next.
perhaps drugs and paranoia?
Thats cool - cheers for the replies. Don't you worry - I stand up for myself well enough. Am genuinely one of the most confident without being arrogant people you will meet.
Aye - she's explained the deal to him a couple of times recently, but I've spoken to her again today and she's gonna lay the cards on the table once and for all. He's been sending goodnight 'x' messages late at night, which is a little random and she's like "wtf - i've explained this already".
Unfortunately it's coming down to this between her and him: If he doesn't calm it + back off a bit with the constant SMS, email + phone calls, they're not going to be able to be friends. In her own words, this boat sailed long ago and he's gonna have to get over it. Oh, and this isnt me dictating this... I'm not that kind of guy.
Aye - I think this is one that i'm just going to have to see how it pans out.
how can she be friends with someone who obviously used her for sex when he wanted and then dumped her without a decent explaination. she has to face it - she was used.
on the other hand she has an advantage here and if i was her i would use and abuse him for all he has. money, holidays etc, she should take the piss and enjoy herself and treat u too while shes at it!
We have cooled it in the last few weeks, and so will just have to see what happens.
It all comes down to that age old thing... Friends over girlfriend/boyfriend etc. Am I prepared to lose a long term friend over something that could itself go wrong?
Tough one. I would prefer it if he could "wish us luck" - but at the moment am not thinking it's looking likely. At least, not for the mean time.
I have to raise one point with one thing you said:
"if he really was your friend then the correct thing to do would be to 'wish you luck' "
There is a flipside - if I was really his friend, would I have got involved with his, albeit brief in term, ex?
Just highlighting both sides to the coin there.
Aye... Life - throws you curves. You just have to keep on the road, not crash and burn.
explain this please
No - she shouldn't have to change anything like that. It's up to him to sort his head out.
I just don't quite understand - she's told him 2 or 3 times before that she's moved on, even mentioned there's somebody else, and yet he's still wanting a "long overdue" chat with her to discuss their situation...?!
Eh?!
I'm not too sure where you're getting your ideas from here, or what angle you're looking at things from to bring such harsh views on things.
How exactly could she abuse him for the above seeing as they were together
As i've already mentioned, neither of us are out to hurt him if we can help it.
Also - i've plenty of my own money to treat myself!! A lot more than he has. She also does pretty well. This really doesn't need to go any further in this respect.
You said if he was really a friend, he would wish us luck etc. Fair enough.
I was pointing out that *I* have broken the "unwritten rule" about not getting involved with a friends ex-, even though they were not together long - hence, am I such a good friend...??
Clearer?
im saying she should use and abuse him as a last resort as he doesnt seem to get the message. but yes this is me taking things to the extreem.
anyway goodluck.
Just a smidge!!
I still can't see how exactly the using and abusing could be done, but I really don't want to go into it. It's SO not even on the agenda...
Aye - cheers. Will see how it goes!
G.
Neither of us are happy, at all, but we felt it was for the best.
Bugger.
G.
Was something we both knew was going to happen, to be honest, and so it was dealt with last night. Went very smoothly, from both sides, and so am happy about that.
I'm not going to lie and say i'm (we're) not a little gutted, but the fact we'd kept a little distance and cooled things a bit has helped.
Still - Bugger.
Edited to add: In conclusion, we both knew we (me especially) had too much to lose. For the moment, anyway. Never say never, and all that!
Go for it i say, theres nothing to be ashamed of, and if he can't accept it and throws a fit - then he's going to lose you both. He's got to realise that.
She's gonna cut contact with him tonight over a drink, as it needs to be done for his sake. He's always the one texting/e-mailing/calling which, as I told him, has to stop or he won't be able to move on! I'm not bitter towards him, as I know emotions are not usually the easiest things to deal with, but I AM getting a tad sick of his moping about it, when I'm also thinking "this is stopping me from being happy".
Bollocks.
You never know - maybe if he sorts his head out, things could work for us. Then again - im not counting my chickens, and neither my lady nor I are going to put our lives on hold, for what may never be.
Heh - life. Gotta love it!
Edited to add: It's been strange for me as I've had to advise him and talk to him in as neutral a way as I possibly can, without taking my own feelings into account, seeing as his is still a "good" friend. I personally think i've done a pretty good job (although i've not put any of that on here) and think I got through to him a bit last night wth regards to why he's dealing with it the way he is, why he is acting as he is and how he should move forward. We'll see though.
You're correct - it was never that serious, and they were both pretty miserable the whole time. He seems to think they dated for longer than they did, and that they only broke up weeks ago. Both the girly and I have set him straight on those points numerous times.
They only had sex a handful of times (this I know is true as both parties have told me) and so it wasn't a physically intense relationship either. The only thing intense about it was the amount of arguing they did. For some reason, he's blocked that from his mind now - even though that was the main issue when they were together.
I honestly wish it were as simple as just going for it and sodding everything else. When you've shared several houses for the length of time you've known a person, it has to be taken into consideration the fact that you could be wrecking an otherwise very happy household (there are two other housemates) by your actions. Imagine how it would go down if she were to stay the night etc etc etc... Aye... It was not a decision we took lightly, ending it, but it was the right thing to do.