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Got myself in a big ol' mess!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, so I've been nuts about this guy Tom for about a year now. He's the first guy who I've both felt is my intellectual match and also been attracted to - we both love jazz, books, travelling, I've never found a guy who 'matches' me so well. We ended up getting together one evening in February when we were both pretty drunk but then decided that it was a bad time for both of us to be thinking about relationships and decided to forget anything happened. Since then my feelings for him have been getting stronger, but I haven't been able to work out how he felt, or had the guts to ask him.
We were recently on a group trip to Cornwall with a bunch of other friends when I met a guy from California who's travelling around Europe. Cornwall was his first stop. Bit of a kindred spirit, got on like a house on fire and I ended up going back to his rented flat a few nights in a row. Then the night before we were all due to leave Tom and I are in a bar together and he tells me he really likes me. I of course am over the moon and we decide to make a go of it. However, the next morning on the way home, I remembered the American guy and began to feel a bit guilty.
Now I'm feeling REALLY bad, as said American guy keeps calling me and telling me about his plans to move down to London for a few months to spend time with me, how it would break his heart if he had to go back to America without seeing me again.... he's being really intense and is evidently WAAAY more into me than I am into him. My head is telling me I have to tell him about Tom but I don't want to hurt him (he's a really sensitive guy), and yet at the same time I can't let him move down to London when I have no intention of letting our relationship/friendship/whatever this situation should be called develop any further.
Is it really the right thing to do to tell him the whole situation - is that necessary? Or should I come up with an alternate story that will let him down more gently? Usually I'm with the 'honesty is the best policy' approach but in this case my instincts are telling me to be more gentle.....
We were recently on a group trip to Cornwall with a bunch of other friends when I met a guy from California who's travelling around Europe. Cornwall was his first stop. Bit of a kindred spirit, got on like a house on fire and I ended up going back to his rented flat a few nights in a row. Then the night before we were all due to leave Tom and I are in a bar together and he tells me he really likes me. I of course am over the moon and we decide to make a go of it. However, the next morning on the way home, I remembered the American guy and began to feel a bit guilty.
Now I'm feeling REALLY bad, as said American guy keeps calling me and telling me about his plans to move down to London for a few months to spend time with me, how it would break his heart if he had to go back to America without seeing me again.... he's being really intense and is evidently WAAAY more into me than I am into him. My head is telling me I have to tell him about Tom but I don't want to hurt him (he's a really sensitive guy), and yet at the same time I can't let him move down to London when I have no intention of letting our relationship/friendship/whatever this situation should be called develop any further.
Is it really the right thing to do to tell him the whole situation - is that necessary? Or should I come up with an alternate story that will let him down more gently? Usually I'm with the 'honesty is the best policy' approach but in this case my instincts are telling me to be more gentle.....
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Comments
At the end of the day eventually he will go off wherever his is going, and you will cary on seeing Tom as you have wanted to for a year. And Tom will be sticking around, so you've made the right decision there.
I think it's fair to just say to him, "look, I had a really great time with you the few nights we've spent together, but you are in the middle of travelling the world and will eventually go back home, I am doing xxxxxxxxxx and I know we got on great but we're in two completely different places. And besides you've got the world to see, you dont want to be thinking about some girl back in some country when you're somewhere entirely different meeting all the girl's in the world! Go and have a great time, maybe email me when you reach 'wherever', it'd be nice to see where your journey takes you. We can still be good friends, I'd like that."
Or, "Im fucking someone else ok, me and you happened for less than a week - get over it "
Whichever you think more appropriate I guess! x