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Is this relationship worth continuing?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,
I'm a stranger to these boards but would appreciate some comments on the following. My girlfriend is a mature 17 yr old, I'm 20. Sorry for the length, but I hope it makes interesting reading!
We’ve known each other 10 months. I met her when she was in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend and we became close friends instantly, spending quality time together and it turned into a 'coulda, shoulda, woulda' type thing...until I returned from holiday 7 months into our close friendship to find, on a night out, she had separated from her boyfriend as she hadn't been happy being with him for months. She told me this.
Naturally, we got together and it was awesome, we were so happy as a couple. Soon it was time for another holiday and we weren't to see each other for 3 weeks. I felt so emotional leaving her for the final time before setting off on holiday that I told her (2 and a half months into our proper relationship) that I loved her. I feared it was the wrong thing to say, not because it wasn’t true as such, but because I didn't know if it really was love, but just a very intense feeling at that point and I may have scared her. She felt these emotions too as she told me via txt msg that she was falling in love with me.
Anyway, over the next 3 weeks I couldn't keep her off my mind, she grew on me so much. I returned from holiday, so did she, having spent 6500 miles apart from each other, but it was strange. It seemed as though I was the last person on her list to see after coming back. I spoke to her on the phone and she seemed quiet but not entirely peculiar. I clocked this but didn't make much of it at first. She asked if she could see me 'tomorrow' (as in the day after she got back home) and said that I was working but would see her after work. She replied saying she thought I'd get the day off at least....
Anyway, I decided to ring up work and call in sick for 'tomorrow', so I could spend time with her. I txt her saying so and asked her to call me when she arrived home (she was on the bus travelling home at the time)...but she didn't. I got a txt later saying she was out and going into a club in town and I was invited if I fancied it...of course I did but I was a bit pissed that she'd not called earlier like I asked her too. Maybe I’m looking too much into it but she said her battery was flat though why not use her house phone? I'd just got the day off work for her and it seemed as though she wasn't too arsed about it anymore?
Anyway, the night out...
I met her at the tram station, she looked beautiful, but it was just a hug and a nice kiss...after not seeing her for 3 weeks I thought we'd speak a bit more but it was more like one sentence conversations...I knew something wasn't right and so as I progressively drank myself drunk I thought of something to say.
After the club we were outside, she was going to get a taxi back with her friends but I offered to take her home should she stay at mine until the morning, she insisted she go back with her friends however we engaged in conversation outside the club whilst her friends went home in a taxi. It went along the lines of me stuttering over my words as I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say but I basically wanted to know if she was still into the relationship because I love her and I knew she said she was falling for me but it seemed as though she'd changed after coming back from holiday. She told me if she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't, but I wanted to know whether she wanted the same out of the relationship as me, "Love". Was I being selfish? She said that whatever happens happens.
Fare enough I thought. We got a taxi together to my place, spent a few hours there and had amazing sex though we kept having silly little arguments, well not arguments, just stupid tiffs. I definitely knew something wasn’t right with her, and it had to be something to do with what I said.
I took her home and acted like a bit of a prick as she kissed me when she got out the car but I ignored it, playing about (I know, stupid). She was about to get out the car when I then laughed and grabbed her hand but she was in a mood. I drove off.
I txt her shortly afterwards saying I was just frustrated that she couldn’t stay with me longer and that I’d call her in the morning to arrange what to do.
The following morning I think I regretted the conversation the previous night, but by now I am feeling so emotional that I really think I’m falling deeply in love with her. I txt her asking if she was awake yet at 10am. She txt me nearly 3 hours later saying, bluntly, “do you still want to see me”. I replied saying of course I do and I was sorry about last night etc etc. I then called her and she was a bit quiet still and I said I wanted to see her, that’s the reason I got the day off but she said she’d have to check with her mom, and to call her back in 15 mins.
I did…no answer, at 5 minute intervals for the next 30 mins I called and finally she called back…her phone was on silent and she was eating was the reason, fair enough. She seemed to be a bit more chirpy and I went to pick her up.
The day was pretty great, though we didn’t arrange anything, we stayed in my apartment and just watched TV, ate food, I also shaved her legs as well which was quite nice if you know what I mean, for her to let me do it and the closeness it felt. We watched a movie, hugged, kissed frequently but still had the odd little stupid fall out, followed by more affection…It went on.
At night we again had sex, it was awesome, the best so far and I felt so good as it seemed as though everything was great again. On the way home she was quiet. It was still in the back of my mind that it was strange how we were having these little awkward arguments and I knew it was on her mind. At the traffic lights she came out with “what’s wrong with us?”. My heart stopped. I asked her what she ment, but she said it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to let it go untalked about. I had a horrible feeling about the upcoming conversation.
20 mins later outside her house in the car we engaged in conversation. To cut that conversation short ….she didn’t know if she wanted a loving relationship but she didn’t want to loose me, however the fact that I told her I loved her made her think about us. She wanted time to think but I knew she’d already made her mind up. 45 mins later after suggesting a break up she agreed, my hear sank again. We hugged intensely and she cried, it was so fucked up. We both really like each other, and the reason we’re splitting is because she doesn’t want love in the relationship. She wants to enjoy herself but still be with me and be happy like before the holiday. What does she really mean. She said she was falling in love with me, what happened? Why doesn’t she want love? The ironic thing is listening to guns and roses, November rain whilst we were talking….”If you want to love me, then darlin’ don’t refrain”
I wiped her tears away and she tried to kiss me but I couldn’t, all I knew it was over, I couldn’t face it. The last thing I see is her walking to her house, I drove off quietly. She text me saying she was so sorry but she just wanted a last kiss…I left no reply.
I got home, it was horrible, I broke down in tears. The apartment was just how we left it, her empty plate still there, the bed sheets a mess, her half eaten food…never again would it be the same. I cry for about 10 minutes then watched TV, “Fix You” by Coldplay comes on, how convenient. We went to see Coldplay in Bolton live, just me and her. She was on my shoulders whilst they were filming the music video for fix you and as a result you can see her in the video on TV… The song also has the lyrics “When you love someone but it goes to waist….what could be worse”.
Later I go to bed, I’m not crying anymore but at times I felt I wanted to but I couldn’t. I’m now at work the following day, it’s tough but I’ve been thinking. I don’t want to loose her. I’ve txt her asking if we can chat and we’ve agreed I’d go around to her house after work. I want to get back with her and see how it goes. I mean, I care about her so much and she’s so special it’s just a waist, the fact that we really like each other but don’t want it to get too far…I’m willing to do that just to be with her, I willing to hold back and just be a happy couple, I can’t bare the thought that we might end up loving each other but not give it a try.
Do you think its pointless having a relationship without progressing to love? Do you not think we may fall in love with each other?
Very many thanks for any comments, much appreciated,
aerosexual
I'm a stranger to these boards but would appreciate some comments on the following. My girlfriend is a mature 17 yr old, I'm 20. Sorry for the length, but I hope it makes interesting reading!
We’ve known each other 10 months. I met her when she was in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend and we became close friends instantly, spending quality time together and it turned into a 'coulda, shoulda, woulda' type thing...until I returned from holiday 7 months into our close friendship to find, on a night out, she had separated from her boyfriend as she hadn't been happy being with him for months. She told me this.
Naturally, we got together and it was awesome, we were so happy as a couple. Soon it was time for another holiday and we weren't to see each other for 3 weeks. I felt so emotional leaving her for the final time before setting off on holiday that I told her (2 and a half months into our proper relationship) that I loved her. I feared it was the wrong thing to say, not because it wasn’t true as such, but because I didn't know if it really was love, but just a very intense feeling at that point and I may have scared her. She felt these emotions too as she told me via txt msg that she was falling in love with me.
Anyway, over the next 3 weeks I couldn't keep her off my mind, she grew on me so much. I returned from holiday, so did she, having spent 6500 miles apart from each other, but it was strange. It seemed as though I was the last person on her list to see after coming back. I spoke to her on the phone and she seemed quiet but not entirely peculiar. I clocked this but didn't make much of it at first. She asked if she could see me 'tomorrow' (as in the day after she got back home) and said that I was working but would see her after work. She replied saying she thought I'd get the day off at least....
Anyway, I decided to ring up work and call in sick for 'tomorrow', so I could spend time with her. I txt her saying so and asked her to call me when she arrived home (she was on the bus travelling home at the time)...but she didn't. I got a txt later saying she was out and going into a club in town and I was invited if I fancied it...of course I did but I was a bit pissed that she'd not called earlier like I asked her too. Maybe I’m looking too much into it but she said her battery was flat though why not use her house phone? I'd just got the day off work for her and it seemed as though she wasn't too arsed about it anymore?
Anyway, the night out...
I met her at the tram station, she looked beautiful, but it was just a hug and a nice kiss...after not seeing her for 3 weeks I thought we'd speak a bit more but it was more like one sentence conversations...I knew something wasn't right and so as I progressively drank myself drunk I thought of something to say.
After the club we were outside, she was going to get a taxi back with her friends but I offered to take her home should she stay at mine until the morning, she insisted she go back with her friends however we engaged in conversation outside the club whilst her friends went home in a taxi. It went along the lines of me stuttering over my words as I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say but I basically wanted to know if she was still into the relationship because I love her and I knew she said she was falling for me but it seemed as though she'd changed after coming back from holiday. She told me if she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't, but I wanted to know whether she wanted the same out of the relationship as me, "Love". Was I being selfish? She said that whatever happens happens.
Fare enough I thought. We got a taxi together to my place, spent a few hours there and had amazing sex though we kept having silly little arguments, well not arguments, just stupid tiffs. I definitely knew something wasn’t right with her, and it had to be something to do with what I said.
I took her home and acted like a bit of a prick as she kissed me when she got out the car but I ignored it, playing about (I know, stupid). She was about to get out the car when I then laughed and grabbed her hand but she was in a mood. I drove off.
I txt her shortly afterwards saying I was just frustrated that she couldn’t stay with me longer and that I’d call her in the morning to arrange what to do.
The following morning I think I regretted the conversation the previous night, but by now I am feeling so emotional that I really think I’m falling deeply in love with her. I txt her asking if she was awake yet at 10am. She txt me nearly 3 hours later saying, bluntly, “do you still want to see me”. I replied saying of course I do and I was sorry about last night etc etc. I then called her and she was a bit quiet still and I said I wanted to see her, that’s the reason I got the day off but she said she’d have to check with her mom, and to call her back in 15 mins.
I did…no answer, at 5 minute intervals for the next 30 mins I called and finally she called back…her phone was on silent and she was eating was the reason, fair enough. She seemed to be a bit more chirpy and I went to pick her up.
The day was pretty great, though we didn’t arrange anything, we stayed in my apartment and just watched TV, ate food, I also shaved her legs as well which was quite nice if you know what I mean, for her to let me do it and the closeness it felt. We watched a movie, hugged, kissed frequently but still had the odd little stupid fall out, followed by more affection…It went on.
At night we again had sex, it was awesome, the best so far and I felt so good as it seemed as though everything was great again. On the way home she was quiet. It was still in the back of my mind that it was strange how we were having these little awkward arguments and I knew it was on her mind. At the traffic lights she came out with “what’s wrong with us?”. My heart stopped. I asked her what she ment, but she said it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to let it go untalked about. I had a horrible feeling about the upcoming conversation.
20 mins later outside her house in the car we engaged in conversation. To cut that conversation short ….she didn’t know if she wanted a loving relationship but she didn’t want to loose me, however the fact that I told her I loved her made her think about us. She wanted time to think but I knew she’d already made her mind up. 45 mins later after suggesting a break up she agreed, my hear sank again. We hugged intensely and she cried, it was so fucked up. We both really like each other, and the reason we’re splitting is because she doesn’t want love in the relationship. She wants to enjoy herself but still be with me and be happy like before the holiday. What does she really mean. She said she was falling in love with me, what happened? Why doesn’t she want love? The ironic thing is listening to guns and roses, November rain whilst we were talking….”If you want to love me, then darlin’ don’t refrain”
I wiped her tears away and she tried to kiss me but I couldn’t, all I knew it was over, I couldn’t face it. The last thing I see is her walking to her house, I drove off quietly. She text me saying she was so sorry but she just wanted a last kiss…I left no reply.
I got home, it was horrible, I broke down in tears. The apartment was just how we left it, her empty plate still there, the bed sheets a mess, her half eaten food…never again would it be the same. I cry for about 10 minutes then watched TV, “Fix You” by Coldplay comes on, how convenient. We went to see Coldplay in Bolton live, just me and her. She was on my shoulders whilst they were filming the music video for fix you and as a result you can see her in the video on TV… The song also has the lyrics “When you love someone but it goes to waist….what could be worse”.
Later I go to bed, I’m not crying anymore but at times I felt I wanted to but I couldn’t. I’m now at work the following day, it’s tough but I’ve been thinking. I don’t want to loose her. I’ve txt her asking if we can chat and we’ve agreed I’d go around to her house after work. I want to get back with her and see how it goes. I mean, I care about her so much and she’s so special it’s just a waist, the fact that we really like each other but don’t want it to get too far…I’m willing to do that just to be with her, I willing to hold back and just be a happy couple, I can’t bare the thought that we might end up loving each other but not give it a try.
Do you think its pointless having a relationship without progressing to love? Do you not think we may fall in love with each other?
Very many thanks for any comments, much appreciated,
aerosexual
0
Comments
You need to have another discussion with her, otherwise if you don't you might regret it forever.
it is quite pointless having a relationship without love or strong feelings for each other unless your just shag pals.
Like I say, we've arranged to talk tonight and I really hope it goes well. I'm just going to say that I'm sorry for overcooking things and I really enjoyed what we had before the holiday, and I'd like things to be the way they were.
Good luck mate
I was in a very similar relationship where i was with a guy but we were always picking at each other and arguing over silly little things but loved each other, sadly it didnt work out as sometimes although you really care about people and have strong feelings for them, doesnt mean that you are meant to be together as a couple.
However you sound like you are really into her so talk it through but try and step away from your feelings and get the vibe of how she is acting and responding to you, eye contact etc as it sounds as though she is messing with your feelings more than you are messing with hers........
Sorry if that is harsh but i tell it how i see it
Good luck xxx
Many thanks for your comments of support. It's only fair that I let you know how it went last night.
We went for a drink after I finished work and it started off as I expected, quiet. The subject of the conversation was pretty obvious from the start however it was pretty much a repeat of the previous night. She still thinks that it's best that she has some time single having spent so long in a previous relationship which I guess I can understand. We talked about what’s going to happen while she takes time off and she said she still wanted to see me, still wanted to text me etc. I knew this was going to be hard for me and I told her but I’d hate never to see her again.
It was teary again when we said our goodbyes, she must still have feelings for me right? I held her hand for a short while for the last time and let her go as I walked with my head down to the car. She slowly walked to her front door as I stared. We looked at each other as I drove away.
Anyway, I went to the gym but had to walk out as I just became overwhelmed with emotions. Back in my apartment I rang a female friend who’s also been going through a break but I just broke down in tears again as she offered words of support. It was so hard.
I went to bed quite early and actually slept until I was wakened by my phone, my heart stopped at the thought it could be her calling me, it wasn’t. It’s my mum but I wasn’t in the mood. It was then a long night. I couldn’t sleep, she was in my head and I couldn’t get her out. I felt so lonesome it was horrible. Shortly I was in tears again, this time for about 10 minutes. I had to get out and take my mind of it so I went for a drive around town but my rational side gave in to the stupid thought that I might find her out somewhere and I couldn’t help myself looking at groups of people to see if she was there.
I returned home and felt a little better but had to watch TV as I knew I wouldn’t sleep. It’s now 2a.m and have to be up in 5 hours. I figure I was confused about all that’s happened since returning from holiday so went through all my historical texts on my phone, bad idea. It wrote a perfect relationship, it’s as though we were in love. One text message I remember she sent, I’ll never forget, the words “Never stop liking me, you’re so great”. I didn’t really want to share that on here because it’s quite at heart but I thought to myself, how could I ever stop liking her, she’s so special and I care about her so much.
I’ll never ever stop liking her, but I’ll never ever fully understand what happened to us. I forced myself to bed thinking about her but tried to concentrate on other thoughts. I woke up feeling a little better but the isolation was still there, in my apartment all alone.
I’m now at work, I’ll get hardly anything done because my mind is on one thing and one thing only, her. My heart will always stop when my phone rings or I get a text message, just to think for that moment my girl might have been thinking of me.
Thanks everyone and if anything turns of this I’ll let you know. I guess what’s ment to be is ment to be.
Aero
OK so I think that in this world there are people where you can both love each other to bits but you just can't be together for what ever reason. What I can't tell you is if this is one of those situations or not.
I'd say give her time to work stuff out for herself - she came straight out of a long distance relationship into the one with you - maybe going on holiday made her realise she just needed to find out who she is as a person first.
Has she been in a proper relationship before? Its can be kinda scary and i think plays quite a big part in the problems ive had. It might be a similar case maybe? And I agree with CherryPie- maybe something did happen while you were both away that made her think, even if it was just the step back to go "OMG whats going on" type thing...
I've since received a few txt messages from her telling me she made a huge mistake and didn't know what she was doing, and subsequently wants me back. I'm the one for her, she wants to be with me more than anything etc.
Taking the weekend off over at my dads to discover now what I want to do, which is obvious, but what I want and what I should do might be different.
Thanks again.
My sympathy goes out to all those who don't get there desired outcome but I thought I'd share a bit of good news on the forum.
Thanks to you guys who took time to ready my huge post and furthermore to those who replied with great advice/comments.
Rgds
I know I'm a bit late on this but, I feel like I have a right to share my comments with you too. I did this same exact thing with my boyfriend and maybe you'd like to hear from the other side? I'm not saying that your girlfriend may have done the same exact thing but this was my reasoning.
It was April and we'd only been dating for a good month or so. Ty and I have known eachother for about a year so we weren't hardly as close as you guys sound, but either way...I was going to go to France for two weeks. It was really hard on him noting that we hadn't had a day apart since we'd been together, so as I was getting on the plane he hugged me, kissed me and told me he loved me, for the first time. I just kind of stared at him, kissed his cheek and got on the plane.
We didn't have the benefit of text or even phone calls or e-mails. No contact for fourteen days after that, and I was surprised how when I got back he figured it would be just the same thing. The truth is, he scared me out of my wits and I didn't believe him. I'm so young, where do I deserve the love of anybody else right? So, I tested him....
I guess using the word 'test' is the easiest way to explain it all. I was unstable around him, wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not or anything. We still got along, and got together but most of it was in silence or little arguments. I needed to make sure he was telling the truth I guess, and in the process I tore us apart.
I'm not going to accuse your girlfriend of doing the very same thing, nor are our situations the exact same but they still have the same storyline. It was way early in the relationship and I guess the truth be told, I didn't believe him. I hope that might aid a little bit, if not thanks for reading anyways. I wish you guys the best of luck! And congratulations on getting back together!
Try not to expect to much from her all at once. Give the flower time to bloom. As long as you still communicate with eachother, it is never over.
:yes: Thats exactly my reaction and what I did. Thanks for making me feel slightly less freakish for it all!
And glad things seem to be working for you, Aero. :thumb:
Thanks again,