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Getting back with an ex...the sex had inbetween?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Imagine...
You were with your bf/gf for two years, two very special years, 19-21years old.
Things start to go bad, trust breaks down over nothing, you both get so wrapped up in each other that you are terrified of losing the other one and it causes kloads of tiny but pointless niggley arguments.
After four months of crappiness you both decide its not working and break up.
After being apart for three months your ex decides that they have realised that they need you, truely love you and want to be with you more then anything else in the world, he doesnt care if he is never with another person again.
However, during those three months your ex had two one night stands, but not proper ones, with women he already knew as friends (not close ones at all, more they had met a few times) and one both occassions he has full and very experimental sex, loads of positions and sex numerous times in the one night.
And you know this.
Could you live with it?
You havent slept with anyone else during your time apart, you werent over him, but does his ability to sleep with other women mean you meant nothing to him?
Help...
You were with your bf/gf for two years, two very special years, 19-21years old.
Things start to go bad, trust breaks down over nothing, you both get so wrapped up in each other that you are terrified of losing the other one and it causes kloads of tiny but pointless niggley arguments.
After four months of crappiness you both decide its not working and break up.
After being apart for three months your ex decides that they have realised that they need you, truely love you and want to be with you more then anything else in the world, he doesnt care if he is never with another person again.
However, during those three months your ex had two one night stands, but not proper ones, with women he already knew as friends (not close ones at all, more they had met a few times) and one both occassions he has full and very experimental sex, loads of positions and sex numerous times in the one night.
And you know this.
Could you live with it?
You havent slept with anyone else during your time apart, you werent over him, but does his ability to sleep with other women mean you meant nothing to him?
Help...
0
Comments
but then thats just my opinion
the exact situation is what has happened to me. it was when you were apart and he's been honest with you, it made him realise how much you mean to him. if you want to move forward you can, as long as he used a condom and didnt get anyone pregnant/catch an STD, it was in the past, focus on the present instead.
Could I live with it? Probably. But the more important question is can you live with it? And, purely judging from the tone of your post, I think that it might be too big a hurdle for you to get over, and you'll be spending all your time thinking about this other girls.
But then I generally think that Exes should stay Ex.
Only when myself and my ex split up he started seeing someone for a couple of months and now wants me back and i like you couldnt bare to even think about kissing someone else let alone sleep with another guy while we were apart!!
Its a tricky one eh as i saw my ex last night and we are so good together but things just went wrong for a while, we just laugh and get on wicked but at the same time its like hello he slept with some one else and although i am the sort of person to forgive, i dont forget!!
It sounds totally stupid but do you feel that you kinda wanna sleep with someone just to even the score!! i dont think i could as i dont sleep around but maybe it would make me feel better!! :razz:
The way i am going about it if this helps is just to take things slow, i mean with my situation we split as he had a lot of issues but he seems to be coming through them now and is making a lot of effort and conscious changes, we are not back together but in time who knows, it really does depend on the relationship you once had and if you can get that back and talk to each other about how you feel it will work out however if you truely dont think you can forget and will bring it up everytime you have an argument whats the point you will just be unhappy all the time!!
Hope that makes sense and let me know how you get on or what you decide xx
Chill out and take each day as it comes and try not to think about it.
I would say that this sums it up!
For me, the fact that he had this "experimental" sex with other women and yet still wants to come back to you indicates that the whole experience of being with you is for him better than any sex he could have with strangers, or better than the whole experience of being single. It will probably take a while for you to get used to the idea if you do get back together, but if you think the relationship is worth salvaging then you shouldn't let that get in the way.
Just make it clear to him that you have given him this chance but if anything similar happened in the future then that would be it. We are all allowed to make mistakes once but you would not be prepared to let him break up with you and sleep around in the future, and then let him come back to you no questions asked.
Good luck with your decision anyway.
Thats a good point, he has said that at the time of sleeping with them he did think it was forever, we were over and didnt want me back, it was only afterwards when he saw me again for the first time in about 5 weeks that he started thinking about what he'd thrown away.
I have another question - how do you know if you should go back and recapture something that was good and how do you know when its time to just move on? I've just finished un and moved 200miles home, he's still in the city we went to uni together as he has another year to go. I guess now is the perfect time for a fresh start, but im not totally sure i want one.
Also - would you think i was stupid to get back with him? If i was your friend would you advise me against it? I know what other people think shouldnt matter but i hate that all his mates know all the details of who he slept with and stuff, these guys used to be my friends too, and i hate to think that if i get back with him they might think im an easy touch...like he can do what he likes and ill always forgive him. Would you think that?
Has he actually done anything wrong?
He was single and free to sleep with whoever he liked, i guess id just have thought hed have realised that by chosing two women he knew whilst with me would make me worry things had happened before hand, and that by saying he didnt fancy either of them that much it makes me think badly of him...as he'll obviosuly shag anything. If they were better looking then me then id understand, but neither of them are, and they were just his friends. I think of him in a different way now and i hate it, will i get past this?
I'm sorry im just so confused, im also kinda angry at him for doing this to me, i was almost over him and by saying he wants me back he's completely messed my head up again.
If he hadnt slept with anyone else id have had him back straight away, but he knew id find it awfully hard knowing hed slept with other people, so whyd he do this to me?
It does help knowing someone else knows how i feel thank you! how are you coping? do you think badly of him or anything? jealous a lot? trust him?
Im so scared ill think he wants to sleep with other people again and not trust him, hes shown that there was a time (whilst we were apart) that he barely thought of me, how can that change? i hate knowing he can block me out of his head enough to sleep with another woman, what if he did that when we were together again?
To be honest at the moment it is a real battle as the past few months have been so hard for me as we went through so much when we were together, i felt we were unbreakable and for him to just end it over nothing really and then to see someone else within a couple of weeks (when he said he wanted space!!!) really hurt! at the same time maybe i am just stupid but i cant hate him, i have never been a jealous person and before this i trusted him 100% and its not like he cheated on me, we were apart when he slept with this girl which i feel is a significant factor with your situation too.
On another note if you really love him and you feel he is sincere then maybe a second chance wont hurt but i would leave it for a while, go out enjoy yourself and if i have learnt anything from my situation just be true to yourself and know that its your choice, this is your life so dont stress about it and just have some time for you xx I personally have got my independence back and am going on a girls holiday in the summer and going back to college in Sept and he has really started to sort himself out too so sometimes time apart can do the world of good and if i do get back with him it will be on a clean slate with no if's or but's!!
Take care hun x :wave:
Some people get over depression by making themselves feel loved/wanted. i know thats what i did after breaking up with an ex quite a while ago - went out, got hammered, pulled some random - it just makes you forget about the person you're leaving behind - even if its just for second. its just a chance to get rid of that pain of losing them so dont be too hard on the guy.
Rubbish.
Even if it is your opinion.
ETA: At the time, they weren't together... So regardless of love or other crap, he was free to do that. Sometimes people *have* to go through a few things to make them realise what they've missed/lost etc.
The above isn't true - on breaking up with someone, the advice most people give you if you truly know it's over is to do exactly what he did. Its probably after doing stuff like this that people realise they miss someone.
Only you can decide if you can cope with knowing what happened and couple taht with being with your ex again. It will be hard, but if you get it out into the open at least you know what each other feels/wants.
I've been throught the above from both sides, and yes, sleeping around does make you feel better when you've split with someone, and no, it doesn't feel go to know that an ex has done this - I went back with my ex girlfriend after sleeping with someone else, and she said she just couldn't think of me the same way knowing that I'd been with someone else.
Anyway, hope you work things out and do whats best for you
There is no reason for it, he shouldn't have done it full stop (maybe he wants to be in a 'relationship' and think's you'll take him back (that way he will be in one (a relationship that is))! Don't give him the satisfaction!