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I Keep Messing Things Up.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Well, I've been with my lovely bf for almost 6 months now, but in the last 2 months I've found myself taking pleasure in mind games. Though I feel so terrible afterwards, I keep willing myself to push boundaries and start arguments. A few times I've even mentioned ending the relationship to him just to see his reaction. It really makes me feel so guilty when I'm not with him, but sometimes I can't stop myself.
I love him more than anything - he's my first love and I'm so so happy with him, but I tend to dominate him. Hes a bit soft to me - always happy to do what I want to do, sending me random love texts throughout the day. However, he's always paranoid that I fancy one of his mates, or that I'll cheat on him. For instance, I'm going up to Bristol this weekend with my family and a friend to visit relatives, only staying till Monday, yet he's told me to tell him if I end up going off with another boy! And on Sunday I was playing with his phone, but he wrestled it off me (playfully) and it had gone onto his mate's number, and he didn't talk or look at me for an hour because he thought I was texting his mate.
Though I love him so intensely, we're really going through a rough patch, what with my mentalist behaviour and his jealousy.. does anyone have any words of advice, or has anyone ever resorted to mind games for no reason?
Cheers, Thomasyn x

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can understand the problems you're going through. I've become rather jealous with my fiance and I know that it bothers her a lot that I am that way, and it bothers me to a great extent. I know that it may seem like a big "he wants to control you" sort of deal, but to him it's not like that. You said he's always willing to do things for you and sends you love text messages throughout the day. I'm that same way. I love my fiance with all my heart and I'm sure he's the same way. All he wants is to make you happy, and his jealousy is only out of fear of losing you. In the end it is his problem to deal with it, but in some situations you need to help him through it if you feel that your relationship is worth it. If you see that certain things are destroying him and making him really sad, then try to avoid it. When it's in an obviously innocent situation that has ABSOLUTELY no reason to be jealous like going away with family for the weekend, it may be really difficult for him, but just try and do things while you're away to remind him of how much you care. Send him e-mails a couple times a day, try and call him each night before you go to sleep. Guys like him and myself are just very mushy people. We love to love, and we love to feel loved. He will be romantic and doting and loving to you for the rest of your life, and if you can enjoy that and give it back to him then you'll have a fantastic relationship. All he wants is reassurance that you love him and that he has nothing to worry about. I know that you feel you shouldn't have to reassure someone you love of that fact, but that's one thing that will help him not be jealous all the time. It will be very hard for both of you sometimes, but so long as you love eachother you will get through it.

    As for your mind-games, I highly suggest trying to stop. I dated a girl about 3 years ago who did the same thing, and it is a large part of what ended our relationship. I know you may have trouble controlling the things you do, just like how he has trouble controlling his jealousy, but both of you need to work on those areas of your personality so that it won't affect your relationship. In the end, if you truly feel your relationship is worth keeping, you'll be able to use that to help you get through whatever problems you two will have, but I think you both need to find some way to deal with those aspects of your relationship. It will cause a lot of arguements, believe me, I just had a massive one last night because of my jealousy. Just remind him, and try to remember yourself that you two are together because you're in love, and if you want the relationship to work, you should be willing to do anything to fix things.

    Best of luck...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,
    Mind games = not cool!
    I can say this from first hand experience.My ex boyfriend played mind games on me something rotten to the point where the only way i could retaliate and get a result was by playing mind games with him.And in the end we both ended up cheating on each other just to prove a petty point to each other.Needless to say the relationship ended very shortly after that.
    Playing mind games is not only hurtful but it really speaks voulmes about the insecurities and jealousys that you must have.It also shows that you cant have much respect for your partner if your willing to hurt them in that way.If you know its wrong and you feel rubbish about it DONT DO IT!!
    Speak to your boyfriend about how insecure you feel at times.Im sure that if hes as lovely as he sounds hel be only too happy to reassure that your worries are unfounded.
    He soudns like a decent bloke,id do my best to keep him. :love:
    Take care
    The indie kid x x x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ask yourself what are you trying to get out of these mindgames? Proof that he cares?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    november rain - very good point!! im thinking that maybe filthychav you may, on some level, resent the fact that he's more submissive to you. maybe you want your boyfriend to take charge more, be more decisive+ more 'manly'???
    SBG
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for your replies.. very helpful! i've actually cut down on the 'mind-games' quite a lot.. but i still feel very sad when i'm with him. in reply to spongebobsgirl.. um, yeah, actually it really stresses me out when he won't make decisions.. for instance, if i ask him what he'd like to eat, or what he wants to watch on tv, or which music to put on, or where he'd like to go tomorrow, he always tells me to decide, which seriously frustrates me, and sometimes i have a go at him about it. i want him to have a good time and do what he wants, and him leaving every single personal choice to me means i feel constantly worried if he's ok, or if he really wants to be doing what we're doing. he stayed at my house from saturday night to last night, and we got on alright, except on sunday evening, when i asked him if he wanted to stay another night, and he said it was up to me again. so i got stressy and implied that maybe he should go home, as i felt he was bored of me and what we were doing, even though he wouldn't say. plus, yesterday night he went very very quiet for ages, as i told him of a party i might be going to in a weeks time (he wouldn't be coming as he's older than me and doesn't get on with the hosts). he basically kept saying that he knew i'd cheat on him, as once i was drunk, and maybe a little stoned, i would no longer care about our relationship. he was also certain that i had cheated on him when i visited some friends and got drunk with people i had just met when he was on holiday (which i didn't). anyway, last night he went home in a bit of a sulky worrying mood, and didn't text me after, like he usually does, so i texted him this morning, saying sorry for getting in such a stress with him, and he admitted that i'd hurt him and that he had something to tell me. so yeah. kinda nervous now.
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