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Email - Sex Jokes
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
These are cool <IMG SRC="smile.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE:
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a **** .
[ 25-05-2002: Message edited by: Tek-ila ]
ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE:
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a **** .
[ 25-05-2002: Message edited by: Tek-ila ]
0
Comments
Who dug up a prostitutes grave,
she was mouldy as shit,
and missing a tit,
but look at the money he saved!
You can beat an Egg...but you can't beat a Wank !!
it only takes a finger to turn one on and every **** has 1
Blowjob Etiquette for Men, as stated by Women
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. HELLOOOOOOOO!!!!! DO YOU HEAR THIS LOUD AND CLEAR!!
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV...etc.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.
See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc....
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
Vicki's Top Ten Rules for Men
10) Small dicks are not normal....SEE A DOCTOR!
9) If anal sex is your thing, invest in K-Y.
8) No matter what the occasion, you are always optional
7) Nothing says "I Love You" like inviting your buddies over and you leaving.
6) The shag rug belongs in the foyer .... shave your ass.
5) "Six Pack" should refer to your anatomy not the contents of your stomach.
4) If you're too drunk to see the string. Oh well, the fiber is good for you.
3) Yes, we like big dicks.... your brother's number is in my purse.
2) Yeast infections hurt.... WASH YOUR HANDS!
And the number one rule is......
1) "Oops it slipped" is not an acceptable intro for anal sex.
Joe's Top Ten Rules for Women
10) Pussy farts are not normal....SEE A DOCTOR!
9) If anal sex is your thing, lay off the roasted peanuts.
8) No matter what the occasion, panties are always optional
7) Nothing says "I Love You" like inviting your girlfriends over for strip poker.
6) Eating and flossing should not be done at the same time .... shave your pussy.
5) Just because I look at another woman's ass does not mean I don't love you. It means she has a nice ass.
4) Just because I've been drinking is no excuse not to tell me your on your period.... YECH!!!!! <IMG SRC="eek.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
3) Yes, we like big tits.... the plastic surgeon's number is on the fridge.
2) Protein is good for you.... SWALLOW!
And the number one rule is......
1) "Smells like tuna" is an expression... DOUCHE!
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes
out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she
has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm
doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her
breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have
sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came
here in the first place."
<IMG SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
10. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
9. No one ever starts rumours about how much you sleep.
8. You don't feel like a total loser if you didn't get any.
7. You don't have to pay for sleep.
6. You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
5. You can sleep for eight hours straight.
4. You can sleep in church.
3. Your teddy bear never complains.
2. While you're asleep you can have sex with anyone you want.
1. It's legal to sleep in any position in Canada, UK and even in most of the USA!
There was one about studying and sex, but I can't remember if I have it or not...
No, can't find it. There are other humour ones, but they're not appropriate for here...
*looks appealingly at you*
F***s Funny
What is the definition of suspicous?
Nuns doing press-ups in a cucmber field
<IMG SRC="tongue.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks
the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's
a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that
someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night
he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front
door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked
outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on
hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's
ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual
experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at
the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he
immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy
looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash
for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me,
it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He
leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly
faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself
until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for
some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You
see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own
Manhattan!"
<IMG SRC="biggrin.gif" border="0" ALT="icon">
[ 29-05-2002: Message edited by: xxLaydee_Icexx ]