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not coping
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hi
you may remember i posted a while back about my flatmate/friend committing suicide. well i just wanted to get some stuff out and i didnt really know where else to put it. i dont really have anyone to talk to about it.
the thing is i'm not sad. im not angry/guilty/scared whatever. i dont really feel anything. i dont think about him and get sad. i dont think its sunk in yet. everyone around me kind of avoids the topic. whether that be friends who were affected, or friends of mine that werent. my family never bring it p, but then we're not v close anyway and i dont live with them, but over the whole easter hol they didnt mention it once. or even ask if i was ok. i dont want to try and talk about it with anyone because my friends who knew him and were affected seem to be bottling it up too. it's become a taboo subject and we only talk about the practical side of it. im not sure if id be comfortable anyway because im not v good at talking about stuff that makes me show my feelings.
i just think about it ALL the time. im alone in the house for the week because no one else is back so have a lot of alone time and the suicide is all i think about. i just keep reliving that night when we found him in my head. when the door opened, and there he was. and i keep thinking i should have reacted better instead of just running away screaming.
also i dont think ive totally accepted he's gone. there was no note, and i just keep imagining that he'll explain why he did it at some point. i have dreams where he says to me that he didnt mean to do it and i need to help him find the "thing" that will bring him back to life. i have conversations with him in my head where im fucking angry and i ask him why he did it but theres never a reason. its like i have so much to say to him and i cant so im pretending that someday i'll be able to.
anyway sorry thats long, and you dont have to reply i just wanted to get it out. im seeing someone from the mental health team but only once a month. it helps a bit. but i feel i need to talk more. any ideas? i cant go back to the uni counsellors cos i hated the woman i saw.
you may remember i posted a while back about my flatmate/friend committing suicide. well i just wanted to get some stuff out and i didnt really know where else to put it. i dont really have anyone to talk to about it.
the thing is i'm not sad. im not angry/guilty/scared whatever. i dont really feel anything. i dont think about him and get sad. i dont think its sunk in yet. everyone around me kind of avoids the topic. whether that be friends who were affected, or friends of mine that werent. my family never bring it p, but then we're not v close anyway and i dont live with them, but over the whole easter hol they didnt mention it once. or even ask if i was ok. i dont want to try and talk about it with anyone because my friends who knew him and were affected seem to be bottling it up too. it's become a taboo subject and we only talk about the practical side of it. im not sure if id be comfortable anyway because im not v good at talking about stuff that makes me show my feelings.
i just think about it ALL the time. im alone in the house for the week because no one else is back so have a lot of alone time and the suicide is all i think about. i just keep reliving that night when we found him in my head. when the door opened, and there he was. and i keep thinking i should have reacted better instead of just running away screaming.
also i dont think ive totally accepted he's gone. there was no note, and i just keep imagining that he'll explain why he did it at some point. i have dreams where he says to me that he didnt mean to do it and i need to help him find the "thing" that will bring him back to life. i have conversations with him in my head where im fucking angry and i ask him why he did it but theres never a reason. its like i have so much to say to him and i cant so im pretending that someday i'll be able to.
anyway sorry thats long, and you dont have to reply i just wanted to get it out. im seeing someone from the mental health team but only once a month. it helps a bit. but i feel i need to talk more. any ideas? i cant go back to the uni counsellors cos i hated the woman i saw.
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Comments
The reason you may not feel anything is that you are bottling it up and one day you may explode and who knows what you would do. So talking it over with someone is my only advice - but I am sure when other folks on here read this they would have better advice. [It is afterall 3am....]
Take care of yourself.
Paul a.k.a. Panthro
I'm really sorry to hear about your friendm - and for your loss.
Of course you're finding it hard to cope. No one knows how to deal with the death of someone close to them, especially when it was suicide and it throws up so many unanswered questions. The fact that you didn't have time to come to terms with the fact that your friend might die had probably made it quite hard for friends and family to talk to each other and resulted in making it a 'taboo subject'.
What's important is that you do talk to someone about it - if that can't be other friends and family then maybe it would be easier for it to someone completely separate from all this.
Cruse Bereavement Care is an excellent service that offers support for anyone who has been affected by a death. Call them on 0808 808 1677.
You should take a read of these articles, too:
Dealing with death
Mind's information on the effect of suicide on others
Mind's factsheet on understanding bereavement
And of course, keep coming here to talk - writing things down can be a great release in itself.
Take care x
I remember your posts about this a while back. I don't think it is wrong or unusual for you to feel the way you do. People deal with every situation and stress in all manner of different ways... and being back in the house,and by yourself I don't think it is that strange for those thought processes and emotions to start to surface now.
Having been through a similar thing (not the same but similar) I can say from personal experience that I've had weeks/ months even where i barely think about it then some days out of nowhere it just floors me. You are only human afterall.
Make sure you are looking after yourself in general: eating and sleeping properly/ seeing friends/ allowing yourself to talk. If you have no-one you feel you can talk to about it all call the helpline spanner suggested. They are fab.
Take care of you
Susie xxx
xxx