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Major problem with trust
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
OK…I don't really know what I'm asking here and did think perhaps it should go in the Drugs forum, but I didn't want a load of people jumping on me for my views about drugs when this isn't really about that (well, it sort of is but not wholly).
Basically, I've been with my boyfriend for a few months now and in most ways everything is great – I love him to bits and we get on really well. However at New Year something happened that made me re-evaluate our relationship and although at the time it seemed to get sorted, it looks like it may be about to become an issue again and I don't know what to do. What happened at New Year was that I was at a house party with my boyfriend and his friends (who I get on OK with but don't know all that well) and I walked into a room where they all were to find my boyfriend in the process of taking cocaine (he had the mirror on his lap and was sorting the lines out with a card). Although I knew he had done it in the past (I also know he smokes pot regularly which I don't have a problem with), I totally freaked out and ended up leaving the party. He followed me and we had a long chat, I told him how much it upset me and basically said that I didn't want a boyfriend who did coke and that, as much as it would tear me apart and I didn't want to lose him, if it was something he felt he couldn't stop then I would have to break things off with him. His reaction was to also get really upset, tell me that he really didn't want to lose me either and that if it bothered me he wouldn't do it. He said he could count on one hand the times he'd done it and that it wasn't something he HAD to do – just something he likes to do very very occasionally.
Anyway, that was then. Nothing's been said about it since until about a week ago when we started talking about this dance night one of his mates puts on monthly. I've not been to one before, but my boyfriend told me the next one would be in March if I wanted to go – and somehow I felt compelled to ask if that kind of thing (ie taking drugs) went on there. He admitted that it did. We kind of both got a bit tense and couldn't really discuss it properly – it seemed obvious to me that despite what he said at New Year, he was intending to do it again (and probably has at the previous dance nights). The thing is, I now don't know what to do. I'm totally torn. I'm still completely adamant that I do not want to go out with someone who takes cocaine, no matter how rarely he does it. However, I can't help feeling like a bit of a hypocrite when I'm fine with him doing pot and even do it myself occasionally – in my mind though they are two totally different things, whether that's right or not that's just how I feel about it. I also can't help partly thinking that perhaps I should love him no matter what and not give him an ultimatum like this. But I can't help it – the thought of him doing it makes me sick, angry and frightened and I just can't cope with it. So maybe the only thing I can do is tell him that if it's something he's going to do, then I can't be with him – even if that does mean me losing the best thing that’s happened to me, ever. I’m so confused. The other thing that's worrying me is that even if he swears to me that he won't do it and goes to this dance night I am still not going to be able to 100% trust him and will still be sick with worry thinking that he might do it and just not tell me. This terrifies me because it suggests that perhaps our relationship is a farce anyway, if I can't believe him on something like that. I just don't know what to do
Can anyone help me?
Basically, I've been with my boyfriend for a few months now and in most ways everything is great – I love him to bits and we get on really well. However at New Year something happened that made me re-evaluate our relationship and although at the time it seemed to get sorted, it looks like it may be about to become an issue again and I don't know what to do. What happened at New Year was that I was at a house party with my boyfriend and his friends (who I get on OK with but don't know all that well) and I walked into a room where they all were to find my boyfriend in the process of taking cocaine (he had the mirror on his lap and was sorting the lines out with a card). Although I knew he had done it in the past (I also know he smokes pot regularly which I don't have a problem with), I totally freaked out and ended up leaving the party. He followed me and we had a long chat, I told him how much it upset me and basically said that I didn't want a boyfriend who did coke and that, as much as it would tear me apart and I didn't want to lose him, if it was something he felt he couldn't stop then I would have to break things off with him. His reaction was to also get really upset, tell me that he really didn't want to lose me either and that if it bothered me he wouldn't do it. He said he could count on one hand the times he'd done it and that it wasn't something he HAD to do – just something he likes to do very very occasionally.
Anyway, that was then. Nothing's been said about it since until about a week ago when we started talking about this dance night one of his mates puts on monthly. I've not been to one before, but my boyfriend told me the next one would be in March if I wanted to go – and somehow I felt compelled to ask if that kind of thing (ie taking drugs) went on there. He admitted that it did. We kind of both got a bit tense and couldn't really discuss it properly – it seemed obvious to me that despite what he said at New Year, he was intending to do it again (and probably has at the previous dance nights). The thing is, I now don't know what to do. I'm totally torn. I'm still completely adamant that I do not want to go out with someone who takes cocaine, no matter how rarely he does it. However, I can't help feeling like a bit of a hypocrite when I'm fine with him doing pot and even do it myself occasionally – in my mind though they are two totally different things, whether that's right or not that's just how I feel about it. I also can't help partly thinking that perhaps I should love him no matter what and not give him an ultimatum like this. But I can't help it – the thought of him doing it makes me sick, angry and frightened and I just can't cope with it. So maybe the only thing I can do is tell him that if it's something he's going to do, then I can't be with him – even if that does mean me losing the best thing that’s happened to me, ever. I’m so confused. The other thing that's worrying me is that even if he swears to me that he won't do it and goes to this dance night I am still not going to be able to 100% trust him and will still be sick with worry thinking that he might do it and just not tell me. This terrifies me because it suggests that perhaps our relationship is a farce anyway, if I can't believe him on something like that. I just don't know what to do
Can anyone help me?
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Comments
maybe he doesnt need to do it but its a peer pressure thing?...i dont know about drugs really but i don't think its hypocritical of you to be upset about coke and not pot...it's obviously completely different or he would stick with pot?
Thanks for replying though...and yeah I know what you mean about kaffrin, she does normally seem to give good responses
For a start I can promise you that him doing coke does not mean your relationship is a farce. It doesn't actually mean theirs anything wrong with your relationship at all. Doing coke is something he enjoys, and when it comes to a night out and the chance is their it's hard to turn it away because you know you like it. Like most people, I'm sure you're the same with alcohol, it's just something you enjoy.
In the case of me and my boyfriend, i really upset him by taking e after i'd been drinking all night (it was my birthday
And I haven't. I don't know if you think the real test on your relationship is that you would get him to promise not to take it again and then he would and you would feel he'd betrayed you. But honestly if that happened it's not because of you, or because theirs anything wrong with your relationship, it's got nothing to do with you. It's just because he likes it.
If he were to start taking it all the time then their would be a problem, but still not with you or your relationship, just with him and his health.
Honestly, I don't know what I'm getting at here. Just that coke has nothing to do with you, it's just about him.
I don't know what to advise you to do. I'm sure if you did give him an ultimatum he'd choose you, I just can't guarantee he wouldn't slip up.
Sorry if this isn't helpful, if you've got any questions please ask. Because I've been in your boyfriends position I'd like to be able to help.
firstly, romantic love is not unconditional. if you fall in love with someone, that's not it, for life, no questions asked. you don't have to love them no matter what, and you don't have to put up with anything that makes you uncomfortable, no matter what it is. having someone love you is a priviledge, not a right, and you have to earn it every day.
maybe your boyfriend is being honest with you, and he's only done it occasionally, and won't do it again. that's entirely possible. and if you can live with that, then there should be no problem.
only i don't think that's the problem at all. i think the problem is that you thought you had the same opinions about things like this, and that you connected on that level, and it's thrown you a bit, because he has different opinions, and his morals and values are different than you thought they were. and while this is something that can, in theory, be fixed, there would be no shame in walking away.
p.s. i should have my own agony column
I know too that I shouldn't have to put up with anything that makes me uncomfortable and that's why I was honest with him about what upset me at New Year and told him that I couldn't be with someone who did that. I thought we had an understanding/agreement from then on that he wouldn't do it - it's just now this has all come up again I'm not so sure. I could be totally maligning him but I don't think I am. However I am also not convinced I could ever actually keep to my word and leave him over this, no matter how much it upset me. I guess that makes me weak, but I can't help it. I suppose we'll see if/when I do discuss it with him again. In my head I keep thinking about what I'll say to him and how I'll tell him categorically that if it's something he wants to do then that is fine but that in that case we can't be together...I just don't know if, when it comes down to it, I'll be strong enough to say that and to leave him if he says he can't guarantee that he won't ever do it again :crying:
i think another discussion is the way forward. be totally honest again, and ask that he does the same with you. then you might have a better idea what the deal is.