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Depresion/Relationship Problems/Lack of Confidence
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all - sorry, this is gonna be a big jumbled mess!
I've been seeing my G/F for about 3 yrs now, things are normally ok - although things in the bedroom are just non existent (i think i've been on about this before)..........anyhow - its getting me in a big mess! I'm not sure quite where to start........i just need to get all this off my chest
I used to be a happy go lucky kind of chap, outgoing, confident, smart, and up for a challenge - but, up until about a yr or 2 ago, its slowly but surely been stripped away from me - my confidence has been ripped right out of me, in every aspect.............my girlfriend used to be the one lacking confidence, and i used to always re-assure her - now, it's like it has just turned right round, she is full of confidence, and i have none!
I think this may be one of the problems im having - she is soooo full of confidence, that i feel she tends to treat me like shit! (but, i could just be paranoid)
Anyway - we have talked about the non sex thing (reluctant as she is) - and just recently, it may be kinda obvious what is causing it - she says she doesnt like to have sex as it is "dirty" and makes her feel "yuck" - which at first i thought, "yea right" (up until now, i have thought it';s something to do with me) - but, it kinda makes sense, as, when we were on holiday this year, we were at it like a normaly couple!, but, this was always after sunbathing and being in the pool all day, and then having a shower (hence, she felt we were both clean!).
When we go swimming, she tends to touch me, and act more like a normal couple..........its just getting really hard for me to handle, as i cant touch her (cause my hands are to clammy/hot) she thinks they are dirty, she doesnt like me touching anywhere on her body, as it makes her feel "clostraphobic" - and, she is very clean and tidy around the house...........its almost sounds a bit like obsessive/compulsive disorder - but it is really straining our relationship! And she doesnt see the problem, as she is quite happy not to have sex.......(again, this makes me think it is me!).
Anyhow, thats one problem, the other is my total in-security about the full relationship, this being due to the above, and also due to the fact, that she had started to contact another guy behind my back, which i did catch her - and found the whole truth out about - and nothing happened, but the problem for me being, the thought was there! Anyhow, this got all sorted out, and things were fine (this was 4months ago) - but this is giving me the full in-secure feeling now, and the untrust.........which she really, fails to understand...........
Now, on top of all this - im feeling really depressed, and i have tried and tried and tried to talk to her (and been upset alot of the time), but she just does not listen, she seems to have it in her head, that i can get by this on my own, and that i'm prob making it up - her being like this makes me ten times worse! As i then begin to feel alone etc.......
It's getting to the point now, that im really beggining to piss her off, for being upset all the time (she doesnt say but i know she feels like im some sort of weirdo for being upset.), and for me being so in-secure, and annoying her.........and its really beggining to piss me off, as it's just not me - but i cant help myself! - i think the worst of any situation, e.g. - if she doesnt answer her phone first time, i wanna know who she's with etc etc) - but she wont do anything to help the situation........
I feel like we are on our last thread - she doesnt want to put any effort in, and i feel like i put it all in, but she assures me she loves me, and that she does want to be with me - then, ofcourse i start to think about being on my own, and that i wont get anyone else.......and i get even more depressed! And ofcourse when im thinking all this, i constantly have it in my mind, that she will try and see someone else behind my back again (which obviously she says she wont!) - with hindsight, i should have got out when it happened originally!
Anyhow, i would love to sit woth someone like a relationship councillor, or a pysciatrist, who could prob work out exactly where things are going wrong, what is up with me, and what can be done to help me and our relationship......BUT, i dont want to approach my GP as i dont want anything like this on my medical record..........
anway - sorry for going on, i just had to get this off my chest...........any advice is appreciated.......
thanks.
I've been seeing my G/F for about 3 yrs now, things are normally ok - although things in the bedroom are just non existent (i think i've been on about this before)..........anyhow - its getting me in a big mess! I'm not sure quite where to start........i just need to get all this off my chest
I used to be a happy go lucky kind of chap, outgoing, confident, smart, and up for a challenge - but, up until about a yr or 2 ago, its slowly but surely been stripped away from me - my confidence has been ripped right out of me, in every aspect.............my girlfriend used to be the one lacking confidence, and i used to always re-assure her - now, it's like it has just turned right round, she is full of confidence, and i have none!
I think this may be one of the problems im having - she is soooo full of confidence, that i feel she tends to treat me like shit! (but, i could just be paranoid)
Anyway - we have talked about the non sex thing (reluctant as she is) - and just recently, it may be kinda obvious what is causing it - she says she doesnt like to have sex as it is "dirty" and makes her feel "yuck" - which at first i thought, "yea right" (up until now, i have thought it';s something to do with me) - but, it kinda makes sense, as, when we were on holiday this year, we were at it like a normaly couple!, but, this was always after sunbathing and being in the pool all day, and then having a shower (hence, she felt we were both clean!).
When we go swimming, she tends to touch me, and act more like a normal couple..........its just getting really hard for me to handle, as i cant touch her (cause my hands are to clammy/hot) she thinks they are dirty, she doesnt like me touching anywhere on her body, as it makes her feel "clostraphobic" - and, she is very clean and tidy around the house...........its almost sounds a bit like obsessive/compulsive disorder - but it is really straining our relationship! And she doesnt see the problem, as she is quite happy not to have sex.......(again, this makes me think it is me!).
Anyhow, thats one problem, the other is my total in-security about the full relationship, this being due to the above, and also due to the fact, that she had started to contact another guy behind my back, which i did catch her - and found the whole truth out about - and nothing happened, but the problem for me being, the thought was there! Anyhow, this got all sorted out, and things were fine (this was 4months ago) - but this is giving me the full in-secure feeling now, and the untrust.........which she really, fails to understand...........
Now, on top of all this - im feeling really depressed, and i have tried and tried and tried to talk to her (and been upset alot of the time), but she just does not listen, she seems to have it in her head, that i can get by this on my own, and that i'm prob making it up - her being like this makes me ten times worse! As i then begin to feel alone etc.......
It's getting to the point now, that im really beggining to piss her off, for being upset all the time (she doesnt say but i know she feels like im some sort of weirdo for being upset.), and for me being so in-secure, and annoying her.........and its really beggining to piss me off, as it's just not me - but i cant help myself! - i think the worst of any situation, e.g. - if she doesnt answer her phone first time, i wanna know who she's with etc etc) - but she wont do anything to help the situation........
I feel like we are on our last thread - she doesnt want to put any effort in, and i feel like i put it all in, but she assures me she loves me, and that she does want to be with me - then, ofcourse i start to think about being on my own, and that i wont get anyone else.......and i get even more depressed! And ofcourse when im thinking all this, i constantly have it in my mind, that she will try and see someone else behind my back again (which obviously she says she wont!) - with hindsight, i should have got out when it happened originally!
Anyhow, i would love to sit woth someone like a relationship councillor, or a pysciatrist, who could prob work out exactly where things are going wrong, what is up with me, and what can be done to help me and our relationship......BUT, i dont want to approach my GP as i dont want anything like this on my medical record..........
anway - sorry for going on, i just had to get this off my chest...........any advice is appreciated.......
thanks.
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She never used to be like this, but it was when she got her own flat, she started to becme like it - it's not just with the sex thing, she is very clean, and particular around the house, and the smallest of things annoy her...........cushions being squint, remote controls being moved etc.........
I have tried in vein to talk to her, and what ive told you's guys, but she will not listen - it goes in one ear, and out the other, i can tell she thinks im talkin non-sense! Which, again, makes it all the more frustrating for me.........:(
i just dont want to throw it all away what we have, cause when it's good, its good..........I think she thinks things are too comfortable, and that i won't leave her (due to my in-security - and the fact i took her back after the other time), but one of these days i am going to have to bite the bullet, and find someone who will at least listen to me!
thanks for the reply.
To be honest i think your fighting a losing battle here, because if she cant see she has a problem then she is gonna think your just nit picking at her.
I think for your own benefit you need to speak to someone, I know you dont want to speak to a doc but it may be the only way to get help. You could possibly contact someone about OCD, they will be able to give you help and support because even though its not your problem your partner may have this condition.
I really dont know what else to suggest, I feel that the main thing is for you to speak to someone because if you dont it will just drag you down and the longer you leave it the worse it might get.
Sorry i havent really gave much advice but I wanted to reply just so you knew someone was listening
my advice would be to pull back.
very difficult while your feeling insecure i know but you have to take control of things for your sanity.
see less of her because you suddenly got busy. find any excuse to be to busy but tell her you love her ...your orry but ...you have to do such and such a thing ...be such and such a place ...even if it means your realy sitting at home alone and fretting.
at the moment her behaviour is controlling your every waking moment which can only lead nowhere.
so ...take a step back ...a step away.
if there realy is love there ...in both directions ...it will all come out ok.
if there isn't ...you can't manufacture it.
take a deep breath and make yourself less available ...yes i know it's going to be seriously difficult but at the moment your a manipulated wreck.
to change it YOU ...have to do something different.
at the moment your dangling on her string.
obsessive compulsive disorder
supportline
careline
Morocan Roll - i agree with you, and had kind of made that assumption myself, and so we kinda agreed not to see each other (e.g. - me not staying at hers) until wed - so we never emailed/txt each other all day - which i have to say, was very difficult for me, and not as difficult for her......(she reckons that its just because she more busy at her work - which is prob true!).
I phoned her not so long ago, (and i know i prob shouldn't have!) - but i was feeling down, but, as usual, she doesnt want to talk (its too late she says!)..........she did however ask me to go stay, and i declined......although i wanted to, but i would have wanted to talk, she would have wanted to sleep - and she would have been annoyed!
I feel like, if i just had her, be it at the end of a phone or email when i want, then i could get through this a little easier - e.g., having her to talk to.........
You are so right about the string thing - as she txt me lst night, and i never noticed the txt for about 15mins, and so she phoned to ask why i hadnt replied - she doesnt like what she cant get.........or when its not quite her game anymore...........but really, it shouldnt be about games!
its so difficult not txting her, or emailing/phoning her.............i do alot of mountain biking, and even when im uot doing that, all i can think about is her (basically thinking, is she is thinking about me!).......so taking my mind off of it, doesnt quite help......
the funny think is, i had put alot of weight on over the lst 4 yrs (im not talking loads) but, enough that recently i began to think that was the prob in our relationship (the sex thing) - and over the lst 2 months, have shed a stone and 3lbs - you would think that would lift me up, and it soooo hasn't - which is why i know there is more bothering me..........i sometimes think to myself, how would i feel/how in-secure would i be after i reach my target weight!
As for her seeking help; i suggested it, and she looked at me like i was daft - she thinks that i am trying to make her look like the one with a problem, rather than me - so her seeking help is gonna be a diffucult one i think!
anyway - again, thanks alot for the replies, it helps me just to talk about this.......
i know the emotional pain you are going through.
i know how difficult near impossible it is to get it out of your mind ...rid yourself of the pain in your guts thats gnawing away at you.
if you cannot do it for real at least pretend ...sometimes you have to fake it to make it.
go out. see other people. do your bike thing.
do anything but be on the other end of her string pulling.
i'm 100 % sure she aint pulling the strings in the fashion she is intentionaly but it is a control thing ...probably to cover her problems.
but ...your the one suffering from manipulation and dare i say abuse.
pull back. remove yourself. give her the impression you have had enough for now ...you need tpo get on with your life.
it may well seem impossible to you that you have a life to get on without her but ...the reality of a bazillion people is that you can,
if it comes to an end ...painful as it may be ...there will be someone else.
never met anyone yet who didn't find another.
but if you want to preserve what you have you have to pull away.
she has to become the one without control.
she has to become the one on the end of your string.
you have to taske control.
otherwise you'll go crazy and it'll all end anyway or even worse ...carry on like this for a painfuly long time ...and then end anyway.
be brave ...be strong ...take control.
You've had loads of great advice here already but I thought I'd just pick up on the counselling thing that you mentioned in your first post. You don't have to go through your GP - I'd suggest reading the followuing articles that mention a few different ways of finding therapy - from cheap to expensive. You probably will need to pay something but it sounds like you really care about each other and want to make it work and that's the main thing. Counselling will allow you to sort through all your thought processes - but because you do it together you'll learn about each other in the process. Anyhow here are the articles:
Relationship therapy
Sex therapy
Also, here is Mind's factsheet about OCD - it's very thorough and might help you to see if your girlfriend really does have a problem.
I hope some of this helps and that you manage to get back on track with your relationship.
Take care
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