Right choice?

Former Member · October 2004

I’ll try to keep it short.

I broke up with my bf on Sunday due to the fact that I will never trust him, we’ve been going out for 1yr and a half now and I have grown incredibly close to him in that time. Within the first three months I found a msn log chat on his pc (I know I shouldn’t of been looking but curiosity got the better of me as previous bf’s have shit on me) from a girl who claimed she loved him and knew stuff that only I knew (personal stuff) he said he loved her too and would her house phone etc.
I stormed out and broke up, but about a week later we got back together as I feel people deserve second chances. He swears it wasn’t him as he never admitted it. Now every time he tells me he’ll call and he forgets, I get very demanding and start switching at him for lying etc. I do believe that somewhere in my heart that it wasn’t him over the net, but due to the fact he still has the net at his house etc. I just don’t trust it… Now it has got the better of me and I had to call things off… I will never trust him as I’ve tried but I love him to bits and am contemplating whether I have made the right choice.

Surely you there is no future with someone you will never trust but I love him….

What would you guy do?

Thanks

Love me x

Former Member · October 2004

How long ago was the chatlog from? Within the first three months you were together? Or before you both got together?

If it was me, and the chat thing was before you got together, I'd ignore it.

I'm still plagued by my boyfriend's ex and this girl he met on the month of him and I breaking up before we got back together. However, I do trust him as much as I'll let myself.

I think you NEED to have that little bit of doubt so if the worst comes to the worst, you won't be landed on your backside completely.

However, do your damndest to not let that doubt rear its ugly head. Although with your ex saying he'd phone you and forget would do my tits in a bit unless he's got a genuine excuse other than saying "Oh, I forgot!" Ten minutes of his time wouldn't do anyone any harm, yanno?

Anyways my advice is - Leave him for a week and a bit; let things chill a bit and gather your thoughts whether you DO love him or not. Or if the love is just because you've grown that attached because it's a force of habit. Habit does no one any good. Fact.

I'd also let him see you're okay without him. Obviously you need him around you, a year and a bit with someone is too long to sever any ties. But you are okay without him regardless if you're with him or not.

Like it's been said before, you managed fine without him before you got with him, and you can do fine again. Only if you want to.

I'll reiterate the week's space between you both to let things simmer a bit so you can see if you need this to happen or not.

Ok, I'm repeating myself. Hopefully you'll do the right thing. For YOU.

Former Member · October 2004

Thanks babes that helped alot. The chat log/s (there were about 3 i think) were after we got together and he said it was his mates having a bubble... i feel his has a lack of commitment more than dis-loyality. he says he'll change but i know it will never be enough, i'm a very insecure person when it comes to stuff like this... we are always breaking up over stupid little things and i want to have a long hard break from it all as 'going on a break' never really works with us... i need shot of him for a while me thinks. maybe i am being to weak, he is perfect in every way and tbh iblame myself for all this as there is a bit more to it (to long to explain) but i want to do this for me, but wanted to get another opinion... thanks x

Former Member · October 2004

I'm sorry to hear about the break-up of your relationship. It always saddens me to hear of relationships ending. Trust is an essential issue in every kind of relationship, I would say. It seems like you have been badly treated by a number of men in the past. If he cannot tell you the truth, then maybe it is best to end this relationship.

The fact he's never denied that these conversations took place could well mean that he is hiding something. The way I see it, there can be no secrets in a good relationship. I want to be with someone who I can tell everything to, and I wouldn't tolerate exaggeration, half-truths and barefaced lies. I think you have made the right decision.

You deserve to be happy. I also think you deserve to fall in love again with a man you can trust. Your feelings are understandable about him. Take your time over this. As a Christian, I say that my thoughts are with you at this difficult time and that I will mention you in my prayers tonight. Take care now, Aimz. xxx

Former Member · October 2004

Wow thanks Danny, that means alot but he is honest with me in all other things... and it may well be his mates who were chatting to her but its hard to believe when your mind is telling you something else... its definately more the commitment side that effects which leads me to think he's being untrustworthy.... am i being too rash?

Former Member · October 2004

I would say that you when you get home tonight, take it nice and easy. As for his honesty, I think you will have to trust your head. If you cannot believe that he is being 100% truthful with you, then that simply isn't good enough. I would not stand for lying in any kind of relationship. I know full well the damage that lies can do. I've lost several friends through lying to them. If you cannot get him to commit to you, then I cannot think there is much future left. You aren't being rash at all. As I said, take your time. Take it easy this evening, and get your thoughts in order. Please post back here, or PM me, if your feelings change. My thoughts are with you, Aimz.

Your friend, Danny.
x

Former Member · October 2004

If you don't trust him then you need to ask yourself whether or not it is because you know he's been cheating or whether it is because you dislike yourself so much that you expect him to.

It doesn't always feel like it, but there's a huge difference.

A good barometer of whether you've done right or not is how much relief you feel. If you think "Thank God for that" then you are in the right, if you are crying yourself to sleep thinking what a fuck-up you've made then you need to sit and think.

If it was just an MSN long then maybe you've over-reacted, but without knowing all the details of the relationship it's hard to say.

Former Member · October 2004

Aimz im really sorry to hear about your situation, trust is such an important thing in a relationship - and once someone has damaged it then its very hard for them to restore it again...

The first few months of the relationship with my current boyfriend was very rocky - its a long story but he had a reputation of being a player and cheating on all his past girlfriends etc, and we split up several times, which made me extremely untrusting. And like you, i used to get paranoid and accuse him of cheating everytime he forgot to phone me or something. But unlike you, i could never bring myself to end the relationship because i was scared that we wouldnt get back together again... Eventually i realised that the only way this could be resolved was to tell him how i felt - so i did. And the extra reassurance he gave me from that point onwards really helped me to get thru it. We've been together for over 2 years now.

If you have made a mistake by ending it with your fella, then i'm sure that one of you will realise it and make the first move towards saving what you have together, and believe me - getting through a trust issue can only make you a stronger couple! However, if you have made the RIGHT decision by ending the relationship then you now have the chance to move on and find someone who really deserves you and will do everything they can to make sure you feel secure!..

I'm not sure if any of this has helped, but i hope everything works out for you Aimz. Good luck and keep us posted! xXx

Right choice?

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