Purposely ruining my relationships?

Former Member · August 2004

I don't know if I'm the only one who keeps doing this but ever since me and my ex are off and on while having really nasty break ups, I've been meeting alot of guys that I'm interested in but the only thing that goes wrong is the stupid things I do.

It's hard to explain but I'll try to make it as less confusing as I can. I keep breaking dates with these really great guys and I find myself not returning their calls and purposely being a total bitch to them. I dont know why though. They have all been extremly nice and my friends keep asking me why I'm not going for these guys.

I think I might be ruining my own relationships....Has this happened to anyone else? Does this mean I'm not over my ex or is there something wrong with me???

Former Member · August 2004

aah *hugs*.I know exactly what you mean. I think that no matter what, past experiences can affect your current/future ones even if you try not to let them. Especially if you had a few nasty break ups, it takes a while before you regain your confidence in relationships and you feel a bit weary. We all know that every relationship requires some risk taking and putting our hearts on the line. Maybe you're just not ready to take the plunge again. Just take it easy, don't think about it too hard. When the right person comes along you will know it because you will be ready:yes:

Former Member · August 2004

Maybe it's a sort of hurt them first attitude. Maybe you're worried deep down that they're going to shit on you or create another nasty break up like your ex that you're just trying to scare them off/get there first. A friend of mine used to do it all the time as her ex hurt her really badly and she turned into a mega "beat them at their own game" bitch (not saying you're like this or as bad as her). Then she had a few mates tell her off and she met a really nice bloke who stuck it out and hey presto they're still together a year later.

I think the main thing is you realise you're doing it and that it's nasty so i suppose now you have to sit down and figure out what to do.

Former Member · August 2004

If you've been messed around in the past, chances are you're doing it to save yourself from getting hurt.

Try not to do this so much, as you could be missing out on someone really lovely and someone who'll show you that you don't always get messed around.

Former Member · August 2004

Originally posted by Carolina
hurt them first attitude.

:yes: sounds familiar. If you push them away they can't hurt you.

Former Member · August 2004

:nervous:

Former Member · August 2004

You feel you dont deserve them, therefore you think that they will either get bored or move on in the future. Because of this you, as others have mentioned, you push them away.

Poor self image is also a root cause of wanting to escape, and drug abuse is a strong form of escape.

Former Member · August 2004

psychologically it could mean ya afraid of commitment or of getting hurt again
.matt

Former Member · August 2004

Originally posted by Blah_ha
:yes: sounds familiar. If you push them away they can't hurt you.

yep I've done that before too.
I broke up with the only guy that I've ever loved properly and I have no idea why I did it other than I didn't want to get hurt. I think I ended up hurting both of us in the process.

Former Member · August 2004

Originally posted by intrigue
psychologically it could mean ya afraid of commitment

This was my first thought, a lot of people I know will sabotage what could be a wonderful relationship because they're scared of commitment...or alternative, as other people have said, because you're pre-empting what you think might happen in the near future (i.e they leave you or end up disappointing you). It's pretty understandable behaviour when you think about it...because if you thought something wasn't going to work out, it's better to be the one making the decision than to be the one having the rug pulled out from underneath them.

However, in your case it sounds like you've had bad past experiences or indeed low self-esteem where relationships are concerned. If it was the former then it's normal to be scared of new possibilities and the possibility that things won't work out again. If it was the latter then you're probably better to not be seeking out new relationships and concentrating on getting yourself back to a state of mind where you are ready to open up to someone again.

The fact that you did mention your ex makes me think that you might not be 100%, absolutely, totally over him. Purely because when you're talking about having an emotional problem, you hark back to him and that relationship - the fact that you automatically thought of it as a possibility makes me think that it may indeed be a possibility. Bloody exes :mad:

Of course, this is all pure speculation, because I don't know if you've had past relationship problems, have low-self esteem, aren't over your ex yet or if you're even just meeting the wrong blokes and have fantastic instincts which just tell you to drop them

But I just wanted to assure you that it's a common enough feeling, I think. Hope you manage to work it out for yourself, maybe you just need a bit more time

Former Member · August 2004

Originally posted by Carolina
Maybe it's a sort of hurt them first attitude. .

Fuck me , you know i never thought that i would do that until i read your wording of it, but i broke up with my gf in january, and ever since i wished i hadnt, im almost totally sure thats why i did it....now anyway, because i have been messed around so much in the past everytime i got close to someone my heart was chewed up and spat out, so obviously i didnt want this again.... well i know this wasnt my thread but its helped me alot :P cheers

Former Member · August 2004

I can't believe you're still seeing your ex in any way shape or form. :no: What is wrong with you?
I give up.

Former Member · August 2004

Originally posted by evil_dave
Fuck me , you know i never thought that i would do that until i read your wording of it, but i broke up with my gf in january, and ever since i wished i hadnt, im almost totally sure thats why i did it....now anyway, because i have been messed around so much in the past everytime i got close to someone my heart was chewed up and spat out, so obviously i didnt want this again.... well i know this wasnt my thread but its helped me alot :P cheers

*bows* Maybe i can apply to the sun for deidre's position on the problem pages. Although that would mean i need to write the problems myself as i'm sure she does

Wonder if these people get paid loads of money :chin:

Former Member · August 2004

Hmmm...

I would like to bring this variable to the equation:

You are doing quite a bit (what seems a hell of a lot) of several drugs right now - this is surely going to have some effect on the way you are acting towards people/yourself.

If you're jacked on coke all the time (what was it? An ounce a day?!?!) and speedballs/snowballs then trying to get your head on straight for just about anything is going to be a nightmare.

When i'm on coke, in general, I really couldn't give two shits about anybody else, as I'm king of the world etc... If you're pretty much mashed the whole time, then you're not likely going to be giving a shit about some bloke you don't know, are you?

Just something to think about - personally, from experience, I think the problem you are encountering is quite clear...

G.

Former Member · August 2004

Originally posted by ~*STRESSED*~
I ruined a relationship with a great guy last year. We had been going out for a couple of weeks and everything was going great but I ended it, I really don't know why though. He still asks me now why I did it but I don't know. I keep going back to how I was thinking but don't understand it.

I don't know why I did it but all I know it that I have regretted it ever since. I ruined the chance of a great relationship. I'm stupid like that.

I've done exactly the same in my past 3 relationships... Never had a good reason and never understood why I do it....

Recently I pulled this perfect guy (neither were drunk lol) he sed he liked me sooo much since we 1st met etc but had jus been dumped frm a long term relationship so after 1 date it went no further.... and tho i find i really want a boyfriend i do worry that im just going to get scared again and run.....

Purposely ruining my relationships?

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