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Looking for some advice please...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I haven't been on here for a while but I really am stuck for places to turn with this problem.
I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and I'm still only 20. We've been happy but the last year was really hard for us both, but especially him because his parents divorced, his dad went to a drying out clinic and he had to move to the other side of town. Anyway, we seemed of late to have got thicgs right back on track and have recently enjoyed a foreign holiday together which he admits was great and improved things even more between us.
This brings me to my problem. Yesterday, when I met him at work during his lunch hour he told me he is no longer in love with me - he still loves me but only as a friend. He said he thinks we should have a break from one another and then when we do start to see each other again it should be as 'dating' rather than as a couple. He agreed not to see other people, for now, and that he wants to make things work for us but he doesn't know if he can ever feel the same about me as he did. (Bear with me I'm trying to think of all the stuff he said....)
He said he wanted to be honest with me and it had been playing on his mind. He said when we kiss he doesn't feel the same spark that he used to feel, and when we sleep together he says he enjoys it but doesn't see it as being between two lovers, but more between friends.
He admitted he sometimes feels like I am too clingy, and this is something that has developed in the last few months. Personally I agree, since he moved away (he used to live next door to me btw) I have felt like I need to call him etc because I can't just pop round there. When he was near me I wasn't clingy because I knew where he was most of the time and I knew that should I feel the need to get in touch it was really easy!
All of the stuff he said seemed contradictory and to be is leading to full scale break up. All of my friends are his friends. Everything we do we do with his friends and his family. I am so alone. In the past few months since he started a new job he has been making friends with lots of new women and texting / speaking to them on messenger. None of them are available to him (they're in relationships) but I think he likes the feeling of having so many female friends.
He's asked me not to contact him for a few days but I found myself texting him last night for some reason - I just couldn't stop myself. He told me outright to stop texting him. I don't even like sending text messages but it just made me feel that little bit closer to him. I must say this wanting to split thing has come out of the blue. The other day we had a huge row but the day after we sorted everything and went back to normal.
I suppose I just want to know where we go from here? What does all of this mean for us and is there any way we can get the love back?
I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and I'm still only 20. We've been happy but the last year was really hard for us both, but especially him because his parents divorced, his dad went to a drying out clinic and he had to move to the other side of town. Anyway, we seemed of late to have got thicgs right back on track and have recently enjoyed a foreign holiday together which he admits was great and improved things even more between us.
This brings me to my problem. Yesterday, when I met him at work during his lunch hour he told me he is no longer in love with me - he still loves me but only as a friend. He said he thinks we should have a break from one another and then when we do start to see each other again it should be as 'dating' rather than as a couple. He agreed not to see other people, for now, and that he wants to make things work for us but he doesn't know if he can ever feel the same about me as he did. (Bear with me I'm trying to think of all the stuff he said....)
He said he wanted to be honest with me and it had been playing on his mind. He said when we kiss he doesn't feel the same spark that he used to feel, and when we sleep together he says he enjoys it but doesn't see it as being between two lovers, but more between friends.
He admitted he sometimes feels like I am too clingy, and this is something that has developed in the last few months. Personally I agree, since he moved away (he used to live next door to me btw) I have felt like I need to call him etc because I can't just pop round there. When he was near me I wasn't clingy because I knew where he was most of the time and I knew that should I feel the need to get in touch it was really easy!
All of the stuff he said seemed contradictory and to be is leading to full scale break up. All of my friends are his friends. Everything we do we do with his friends and his family. I am so alone. In the past few months since he started a new job he has been making friends with lots of new women and texting / speaking to them on messenger. None of them are available to him (they're in relationships) but I think he likes the feeling of having so many female friends.
He's asked me not to contact him for a few days but I found myself texting him last night for some reason - I just couldn't stop myself. He told me outright to stop texting him. I don't even like sending text messages but it just made me feel that little bit closer to him. I must say this wanting to split thing has come out of the blue. The other day we had a huge row but the day after we sorted everything and went back to normal.
I suppose I just want to know where we go from here? What does all of this mean for us and is there any way we can get the love back?
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Comments
Good luck :thumb:
I don't know how to be strong though. I'm strong in every other part of my life but my relationship was always the area where I was the less dominant one. It might have appeared to the outside that I was the one wearing the trousers but both me and him knew differently. I really, really don't know how to be strong. I'm just so numb. I've nothing left to look forward to.
it's tacky, and it's annoying, but i have come to the realisation that it's true.
you're probably thinking now that if you let him go now, he'll never come back. this might be true. but if you cling on now, and he was going to go, he still will.
let him go. let him do whatever he needs to. then, if he comes back to you, you'll know that it's because it's what he wants, not just because it's what he's used to.
if he doesn't come back, he would have left anyway.
i know it hurts like hell, and it'll probably get worse before it gets better, but whatever happens, you'll be ok. you know? not great, not for a while. but time makes anything better. really.
You're likely to feel numb, this is the person who was your other half for 5 years, christ i'd be a walking zombie. Everybody is strong in different ways. You need to prove your strong by having the willpower to leave that mobile phone alone! Get out there and do something you've been wanting to do but have put off. Live the single carefree life for a bit, it's not all that bad you know
Even if he's promised not to see other people it doesn't mean that won't change.
Sorry but I would prepare yourself for the fact that things may well be over.
As regards advice... I haven't been in that situation really so I'm not sure what to say, except that the others seem to have given really sound advice, so listen to them!
You have to give him the space he is asking for otherwise things are not going to improve. Dont text him like he asks because its really gonna get him peeved with you.
Id wanna give him credit for coming clean and admitting theres a problem, so be thankful that he's being honest with you, most men wouldn't do that.
It sounds as though he does want things to work but maybe he is feeling like you both need that space to prove wether this relationship can carry on. Maybe he is totally confused and doesn't know what he wants or he could be thinking you both got serious about each other at such a young age and he regrets not having the 'fun' that single people have.......I dunno, only he can answer that.
Leave it like he said and just see how things go. Give him that space and when you see each other next time have a good talk and try to resolve it and find out exactly what he does want.
I think the best way for you to go forward is to try and get out and have a bit of fun yourself. Try not to sit there and dwell on what he's doing (easier said than done, i know), make time for you and maybe some friends that you haven't seen for a while. Talk on here because you know you have friends here who will try and help you get through this, your not alone !!!
Hope you get things sorted
I understand this 'step back' will be f***ing hard! It's horrible being away the person you love 'cuz all you can think about is the good things you're missing and what it'd be like if you were together. At those times just remind yourself that when you were together it was not all roses and that you're ready to have new good times. Surely you must have a girl friend (not closely tied to him) that can help you with that!
Good luck
must be a shock to the system.
Soz rant over:(
Omg, I ask the same question. There's always something to ruin things, even if it is small. Whether it be in your mind, or actually happening, just when you think- finally I got over that and everything is going really well - yet that perfect moment of bliss only lasts for a while.
Jealously is ruining our love, i cant handle some things that happened in the split. Why did they have to happen, fuck this is gona be hard