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he said....
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Been seein this guy on and off for almost a year, he got with me after he finished with his ex, she was away at uni and he just didn't feel the same anymore. . . they r still mates a year on which bothers me a little. although i believe he doesn't fancy her, i know she stil likes him... they met up the other day, an randomly i asked him if he wanted to have sex with her, he said "NOT REALLY. . !" does that mean he does and he's lying, or that the thought went through his head, or am i just being a typical girl and analysing too much?!
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Yes.
the words "maybe" or "sort of" would be the ones that should get you askin questions.....
Bopz
Bopz
How do you randomly ask someone that!!
You can't stop her trying to be him, you just have to try to trust him. Insecurity ends relationships!
don't i just know it... something i've gotta deal with. my insecurity has ended our relationship a few of times, but we always seem to get back together. its perfect for a month or 2 and then she pops back from uni and paranoia takes over. she's back at uni now but when she's here... !!! he knows i get paranoid, so doesn't tell me if he sees her, which makes me more paranoid! vicious circle.
It is a vicious circle and hard to get out of. I guess you have to prove to him that you can cope with it and then perhaps he will start letting you know when he's with her...or perhaps even let you come along.
when he is out with her you should maker sure you go out with your friends and have a good time. try not to thik about what she might be up to.
:nervous:
Ah - Sorry!
Sometimes I talk about things only from the perspective of a person in a 8+ year realtionship!
2 months after I met my boyfriend I moved to London and we had a long distance realtionship for 18 months. During that whole time I rarely felt insecure, it was only when I moved back to the same town as him that I started to feel threatened. I was intimidated by his friends (they did nothing wrong - it was my fault - I love them all now) and distressed by his continued independence.
I did that whole girly thing of walking past his flat at night to check he was there, going through his pockets (YES I did it!!), constantly asking him to reasure me that we were ok, even going out on endless boring nights with him and his mates just so I could be with him (Read - Check on him). I neglected my friends (Though they didn't notice as they were too busy having a life!!)
Eventually I realised that he had a life that wasn't just all about me! So I rediscovered my own social life and started to enjoy myself again! We're still together (God only knows how sometimes) and we seem to have a balance between time together and time doing our own thing.
One thing though - There was one girl in particular who really wanted my boyfriend and did quite a few mean things to try and make him lose interest in me and also to undermine my confidence. At first I was a weak, insecure worrier who knew what was going on but didn't know what else to do but demand answers from my boyfriend about everything he'd done and everywhere he'd been. Luckily I had a loyal strong boyfriend who was able to ignore her and teach me not to be such a twit! He also stood up for me when what this girl was doing was revealed.
A good relationship should teach you all these things. A partner needs to be able to tell you when you are being a twat but also needs to be sympathetic to your feelings.
any advice for stopping insecurities? feel like i need constant reassurance, even though deep down i know everything is fine... drives me crazy, and it drives him crazy too...
Hmm...Time. I think experience helps too.
I think I'm able to deal with it a lot better now than when I was younger.. I guess I just used to take it out on the boyfriends then, but now I tend to take a step backwards and try to look at it from a different perspective.
Basically, he's with you and has chosen to be with you, not her, despite her liking him still. They are bound to still want to spend time together... even though their relationship didn't work out, there will be a friendship still there that they both want to maintain. I imagine that that is all they are spending time together for, a good friendship. He's not telling you when he sees her because he knows he gets hassle when he does tell you... from his point of view, you're hassling him for nothing because there is nothing going on between them, and he probably doesn't know what else he can do to reassure you. Very often this nagging (which he probably sees it as) will be what drives him away from you and puts a wedge between you.
Try and be reassured by the time he spends with you, the things he says and does to you... he's not doing these things with the other girl. You have the best of him. Try and encourage him to tell you when he's going to see her, as that then takes the secretive element out of your relationship, which is obviously making you more paranoid. The final thing I'll say is that you should stop having the discussion with him about her. I'd suggest sitting down with him, and saying one final word along the lines of 'This is the last time I'm going to talk about this, you spending time with her makes me feel insecure (although I know you do your best to make me feel secure and I'm not asking for anymore than you can give), I want you to let me know when you're going to see her, as I feel honesty is important in our relationship, you know what the consequences would be if you cheated on me, that's the last word on the subject!
Good luck!