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14 months

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
I've just self-harmed for the first time in 14 months. I'm absolutely gutted. The only thing stopping me was knowing how far I'd come and how hard the cycle is to break once started. I thought I'd feel relief on cutting like I always used to but instead I just feel upset that I have let myself down on this level. 14 months is a long time, I felt that I'd come so far. But now I'm right back where I started off when I was 15 except I have more scars.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Try not to beat yourself up about it and think that you're a failure for doing it- you aren't. It happens.

    I've said before quite often that self-harming never truly leaves you; it's an addiction, and like with any addiction, when things get tough people slip back to it. Try not to feel like a disgusting failure for doing it, because those feelings are more likely to make you do it again; you aren't a disgusting failure for doing it, it happens to us all.

    You haven't lost everything, you've just succumbed to an old addiction when things have got tough. Try and work out what caused you to slip back, and learn from it, and start again. Fourteen months was an excellent gap, try and make it longer this time.

    But it doesn't make you a bad person for doing it again; I haven't cut for 22 months, but I know that if the "right" triggers come along I'll do it again tomorrow. PM if you want to talk:)

    *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *Hugs you*

    As always Kermit speaks much wisdom, and you have not 'failed'. However if there are things going on in your life that make you feel you are more vunerable to getting back into the cycle of self harm there are loads of resources, helplines and general advice in our self harm section of TheSite.

    Take care of you

    Susie x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Kermit and Susie too.

    I've calmed down now although it's nights that are a real problem time for me... after everyone has gone to bed.

    I guess it was a bit stupid to think it was all over as I went from cutting everyday to never cutting really really fast when I left England and never really had a permanent solution to the problems which I was in effect running away from. But now I'm back and the problems are back too.

    I'm going to try really hard to make it just a one off and to make last nights cuts heal as fast as possible because today they look so fresh its a constant reminder of my relapse.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiya Randomgirl. Look at it this way, you felt anger, not relief when you s/h again. That's probably telling you something and now you know that you wont feel relief again. I don't have much experiance of these things though so I'm not sure what that anger meant.

    Well done for keeping control for so long though :)
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