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boyfriend's erection problems
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey guys, i hope you can give me some advice on something that's been bugging me for a while.
Im 18 and I've been with my boyfriend for about 10 or 11 months. Before we got together he told me that he sometimes had problems getting/keeping an erection before/during sex.Because he told me before i thought i was prepared for things but it's turned out to be more difficult than i thought.
I did some research and i think im able to rule out any physical problems as he's said that he doesn't have a problem with getting morning erections and that basically it only happens with girls. The first time it became a problem was when he was 18, was drunk and couldnt get an erection when with an ex.I thought that this one incident had knocked his confidence and so the main reason now is that he gets performance anxiety but ive done everything over the past 10 months to make him feel loved and reassured and nothing seems to make any difference.
I love my boyfriend very much but it took me a long time to convince myself that i wasnt doing something wrong ( no matter how many times someone tells you its not your fault its still incredibly disheartening to be giving someone a blowjob and not being able to make them hard
). Also physically i find sex painful as, because of my boyfriend's difficulties, when he does get an erection its like a rare oppurtunity so we have to have sex straight away, leaving little room for foreplay,ouch!
As ive said i dont love my boyfriend any less but i miss the intimacy of having a 'normal' sex life and, worst of all, it breaks my heart seeing my boyfriend look so defeated every time it happens.The spontinaeity and naturalness of sex has pretty much and i almost want to avoid it because when things dont go right it makes my boyfriend and therefore me also, incredibly sad.
ive tried gently suggesting that my boyfriend go to the doctor because as far as i know its pretty rare for this to happen to someone so young but dont want to force the issue because i dont want to hurt his feelings.however, im finding the situation increasingly difficult. my boyfriend very much sees it as his problem and doesnt realise that it affects me too and as its such a private issue ive got no one to talk to about it.any advice??
Im 18 and I've been with my boyfriend for about 10 or 11 months. Before we got together he told me that he sometimes had problems getting/keeping an erection before/during sex.Because he told me before i thought i was prepared for things but it's turned out to be more difficult than i thought.
I did some research and i think im able to rule out any physical problems as he's said that he doesn't have a problem with getting morning erections and that basically it only happens with girls. The first time it became a problem was when he was 18, was drunk and couldnt get an erection when with an ex.I thought that this one incident had knocked his confidence and so the main reason now is that he gets performance anxiety but ive done everything over the past 10 months to make him feel loved and reassured and nothing seems to make any difference.
I love my boyfriend very much but it took me a long time to convince myself that i wasnt doing something wrong ( no matter how many times someone tells you its not your fault its still incredibly disheartening to be giving someone a blowjob and not being able to make them hard
). Also physically i find sex painful as, because of my boyfriend's difficulties, when he does get an erection its like a rare oppurtunity so we have to have sex straight away, leaving little room for foreplay,ouch!As ive said i dont love my boyfriend any less but i miss the intimacy of having a 'normal' sex life and, worst of all, it breaks my heart seeing my boyfriend look so defeated every time it happens.The spontinaeity and naturalness of sex has pretty much and i almost want to avoid it because when things dont go right it makes my boyfriend and therefore me also, incredibly sad.
ive tried gently suggesting that my boyfriend go to the doctor because as far as i know its pretty rare for this to happen to someone so young but dont want to force the issue because i dont want to hurt his feelings.however, im finding the situation increasingly difficult. my boyfriend very much sees it as his problem and doesnt realise that it affects me too and as its such a private issue ive got no one to talk to about it.any advice??
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Comments
If he has morning erections then there might be nothing physiologically wrong.
Probably it's a psychological problem that's causing this.
This is a really difficult problem that can have a big affect on a relationship. It sounds like you have a strong and loving relationship, so I'm sure you can get through this OK if you can remain as patient and supportive as you have bbeen so far.
Sex therapy may well be useful for you. This feature tells you a lot more about what to expect and how it might help, and you can contact the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy for a list of counsellors: http://www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_counsellor/seeking_counsellor_frameset2.htm
This feature may provide a few tips on lifestyle issues. Something as simple as agreeing not to have any sexual contact for a while could help you both to take the pressure off of your sex life for a while.
I hope it all works out
http://www.impotence.org.uk/index1.htm
there's loads of useful info that might help you both understand it all a bit better.
:yes: Keep up the good work
i know it would be incredibly difficult for him to do but i think its something he needs to get sorted for himself.hes 21 next month and i cant help feeling that its unfair and uneccessary for him at such a young age to have this problem.im worried if he doesnt go to a doctor now he'll put it off for years, spending uneccessary time having a difficult sex life.basically it frustrates me that im so sure there is help that could sort this and he isnt taking it.
as i said theres also a selfish side to it,i want our sex life to improve for me aswell as him.i think because my boyfriend's had this problem for about 3yrs now hes simply resigned himself to the thought that things will always be that away and has on occasions said that our sex life's fine...i dont want to be cruel,and while in many other ways its great,but the impotency issue has a big effect on things from my point of view.
do i try again with the suggestion of seeing a doctor or just leave it?
It does sound like it is a psychological problem- does he suffer from stress or shyness, or is he depressed? One thing that also struck me in what you wrote was that it is only around girls that he has this trouble- could he be gay?
*hug*
Maybe you could do a little research on the site I mentioned above and print off someinfo - along with this thread and ask him to read it all over. It will help him, to realise that a) he's not a freak b) you really care for him and c) it's affecting you as well as him.
The worst thing you can do is push him into a corner, but maybe providing him with a little information would get the ball rolling?
Good luck