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Please read and help/give advice! I'd really appreciate it...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
OK, this could take some time... but I'm going to do my best to put you in the picture! Instead of telling you my current problem only I'll tell you a bit of history so you know how much this means to me. Don't feel you have to read it all if you don't want to, but I would appreciate some assistance as I remember feeling like this last Christmas and now I've realised that in an entire year I've not moved on at all in this department. This is also the first time i've ever put all this into words, so please forgive me if I go on a bit.
*gets beer*
I'm currently 18, will be 19 in March. Through most of my teenage years I really wasn't interested in girls at all, and was happy getting on through life, doing my work, existing on my own. Then came a change when I ended up going on holiday with a few people, which included two parents and one of their daughters. I didn't know them before we went, but we got on really well on the trip - this was March 2002. They lived down the road from my school (the mum was a part-time teacher there). In the run-up to AS-Levels, in May, I went through a really dodgy patch, and one day bumped into the mother, and she invited me over for the evening to chill out. That day started a relationship with her in that she's basically my second mother, and there's not much she doesn't know about me (I was at boarding school so having someone like this close by meant a lot to me). But also she had to go off to teach in the evening, so her daughter and I were left alone and for the first time I got feelings for her that evening, which were to last some time. This was in May 2002. After the exams and into the early summer I saw them a lot, spent a lot of time at their house and was literally in love with the daugter, but I didn't want to jeopardise the friendship i had with the family by doing anything silly. Then came the summer holidays, which was one of the most painful times of my life - they were away all the time and I was stuck at home, and I desperately missed her, and when I got back in September I was so happy as she seemed really glad to see me again. Then came a disastrous week when everything seemed to be heading in the right direction, but someone at school who somehow knew my feelings for her made it known via my mobile phone which i'd idiotically left lying around. I've never found out who it was, but to this day I still get really wound up about it. Anyway, it took a few weeks for that to settle down, and a few lies from me saying it isn't true and its someone misinterpreting the situation and buggering it up (in hindsight a bad thing to do, but really i didn't want to ruin my relationship with the family). Last Christmas things were back to how they were again, but obviously going nowhere fast. Then came another dodgy life patch in Jan/Feb this year, and I made my feelings known again on Valentine's day. Luckily my mum thought I was joking, but she didn't and once again it was frosty between us until, ironically, her birthday which her mum invited me to. I never tried again after that, but my feelings stayed as they were through the spring and summer, i still desperately missed her when i went home, and even up to coming to uni in September I still harboured strong feelings for her. But that signalled the start of me being based in a new city for the forseeable future and obviously any kind of relationship was not going to happen, and with the excitement and meeting new people at uni those feelings subsided, and we're still great friends and I'm totally happy with that now. But that time had lasted 16 months, it was very mentally and emotionally exhausting.
So now onto my current problem. My social life is great, life in general is very good and I have few complaints, but I do feel very 'alone' in that there's no-one 'special' in my life, and now with many of my mates basically settling down into relationships it feels a lot harder. I've been feeling like this (i.e. the strong want for a relationship) since May 2002, but I really don't want to go through the emotional stress that I've just described above ever again. 16 months was a very long time for that, all over one person. I'm not that shy around girls, and I've got many female friends at uni (probably more than male!), and most of them I'm really happy with, but obviously there are one or two who I do hold a bit of a candle for. At the moment there are three who are causing me a bit of 'emotional bother'...
Firstly, there's a girl (I'll call her 'V') in the second year who's the head of a society at uni. I met her on our first pub crawl, and it was a merry occasion (i was the only person other than her and her friends to turn up!) and we got on well and basically harbour similar views on life. I can't remember exactly when I started getting feelings towards her, but it was probalby a few weeks later, at the beginning of November. We went on another pub crawl, and though I tend to do a good job of hiding my feelings a guy who was in her year noticed and kept giving me grief about it, though I hope he never mentioned it to her. She does send me personal e-mails and texts making sure i'm coming (instead of the usual CCs I get too), but nothing else. I think my chances with her are basically 0, as I went to a departmental Christmas ball with her and her mates, and though there was a cock-up with the tables which meant we all got split up, by the time the dancing started I asked her and she refused. And a couple of weeks ago I asked her for a casual afternoon drink at the weekend, once again a refusal. I value her friendship and I've had some of my best times at uni with her and her friends, so obviously i don't want this to stop or to tarnish past memories by doing something stupid.
The next girl is a lot more confusing. I met her in the first week, at a lecture (I'll call her 'A'). I sat next to her friend who I'd briefly seen in the registration queue a couple of days earlier, and there were three of them there. During this lecture we were organising our first field trip, and the lecturer told us to go into groups of four to share caravans. A's friend said "OK, there are only three of us" so I chipped in and said "I'll make it four!" not expecting a response, but amazingly they agreed! We all swapped numbers, and I was still having trouble remembering who was who, even on the bus going to the Lake District. When we got there, we found the accomodation only had two bedrooms with large beds, so A told me she didn't mind me going with her. We had a fun weekend, and between the four of us a strong friendship remains to this day. A couple of weeks later A apparently had me down as her guest for a Halls dinner thingy, until she found out that she could only invite lecturers or staff. Then sometime in early October I bumped into the three of them in a club, and A was a bit drunk and she came up and hugged me and said she loved me etc. etc. and then they disappeared off somewhere. It was about a week or so after that that I started developing proper feelings for her, and sometime near the end of October I asked her out for lunch (after remembring she told me one night we were sharing how she found that sort of stuff romantic). I'd sorted in my head what I'd say for any response, but I didn't think about the response "Why are you asking me out?", which is precisely what she said. Like a total numpty I said something like, "Oh, so we can catch up..." and she fobbed me off with the usual "Got a lot of work" excuse. That was made worse when I went to the bar with a mate to drown my sorrows, and guess who walks in? Yep, A. After that I tried to tell myself to settle with a friendship. A few weeks later I was on a late bus, and she came on and sat next to me, and we had an odd conversation - she was complaining about the fact i kept her awake with my snoring when we shared and said a couple of other things about me which were hardly compliments, though she did have a smile on her face. She also mentioned she was going to go on a date with a guy the next day who she'd met a couple of weeks before, though she said she didn't know if she would go or not. Whatever, when I got off that bus my mood was not pretty. However, later on it gets more confusing. Two or three weeks later (at the beginning of December), I bumped into her and her mates whilst out, and once again she basically jumped on me and seemed really pleased to see me. Her sister was also visiting for a few days, and A introduced us. Her sister then exclaimed to me at how much A had been talking about me with her, etc. She also said something else which sparked my feelings off again, though I can't remember what it was. With seeing V seemingly with another guy as well, I just drank a lot as I was very confused. But since then my feelings for A have flared up a lot again, and it is driving me mad. I really don't know what to do - do i ask her out again and hopefully not fuck it up, or do i leave it for Christmas but risk her finding someone else by the time we get back in January? Cos if that happens you have no idea how depressed i'll be. Do you think she's just playing hard to get? (her personality does seem to conform to that sort of stuff).
MESSAGE TOO LONG... PLEASE READ NEXT POST TO CONTINUE
*gets beer*
I'm currently 18, will be 19 in March. Through most of my teenage years I really wasn't interested in girls at all, and was happy getting on through life, doing my work, existing on my own. Then came a change when I ended up going on holiday with a few people, which included two parents and one of their daughters. I didn't know them before we went, but we got on really well on the trip - this was March 2002. They lived down the road from my school (the mum was a part-time teacher there). In the run-up to AS-Levels, in May, I went through a really dodgy patch, and one day bumped into the mother, and she invited me over for the evening to chill out. That day started a relationship with her in that she's basically my second mother, and there's not much she doesn't know about me (I was at boarding school so having someone like this close by meant a lot to me). But also she had to go off to teach in the evening, so her daughter and I were left alone and for the first time I got feelings for her that evening, which were to last some time. This was in May 2002. After the exams and into the early summer I saw them a lot, spent a lot of time at their house and was literally in love with the daugter, but I didn't want to jeopardise the friendship i had with the family by doing anything silly. Then came the summer holidays, which was one of the most painful times of my life - they were away all the time and I was stuck at home, and I desperately missed her, and when I got back in September I was so happy as she seemed really glad to see me again. Then came a disastrous week when everything seemed to be heading in the right direction, but someone at school who somehow knew my feelings for her made it known via my mobile phone which i'd idiotically left lying around. I've never found out who it was, but to this day I still get really wound up about it. Anyway, it took a few weeks for that to settle down, and a few lies from me saying it isn't true and its someone misinterpreting the situation and buggering it up (in hindsight a bad thing to do, but really i didn't want to ruin my relationship with the family). Last Christmas things were back to how they were again, but obviously going nowhere fast. Then came another dodgy life patch in Jan/Feb this year, and I made my feelings known again on Valentine's day. Luckily my mum thought I was joking, but she didn't and once again it was frosty between us until, ironically, her birthday which her mum invited me to. I never tried again after that, but my feelings stayed as they were through the spring and summer, i still desperately missed her when i went home, and even up to coming to uni in September I still harboured strong feelings for her. But that signalled the start of me being based in a new city for the forseeable future and obviously any kind of relationship was not going to happen, and with the excitement and meeting new people at uni those feelings subsided, and we're still great friends and I'm totally happy with that now. But that time had lasted 16 months, it was very mentally and emotionally exhausting.
So now onto my current problem. My social life is great, life in general is very good and I have few complaints, but I do feel very 'alone' in that there's no-one 'special' in my life, and now with many of my mates basically settling down into relationships it feels a lot harder. I've been feeling like this (i.e. the strong want for a relationship) since May 2002, but I really don't want to go through the emotional stress that I've just described above ever again. 16 months was a very long time for that, all over one person. I'm not that shy around girls, and I've got many female friends at uni (probably more than male!), and most of them I'm really happy with, but obviously there are one or two who I do hold a bit of a candle for. At the moment there are three who are causing me a bit of 'emotional bother'...
Firstly, there's a girl (I'll call her 'V') in the second year who's the head of a society at uni. I met her on our first pub crawl, and it was a merry occasion (i was the only person other than her and her friends to turn up!) and we got on well and basically harbour similar views on life. I can't remember exactly when I started getting feelings towards her, but it was probalby a few weeks later, at the beginning of November. We went on another pub crawl, and though I tend to do a good job of hiding my feelings a guy who was in her year noticed and kept giving me grief about it, though I hope he never mentioned it to her. She does send me personal e-mails and texts making sure i'm coming (instead of the usual CCs I get too), but nothing else. I think my chances with her are basically 0, as I went to a departmental Christmas ball with her and her mates, and though there was a cock-up with the tables which meant we all got split up, by the time the dancing started I asked her and she refused. And a couple of weeks ago I asked her for a casual afternoon drink at the weekend, once again a refusal. I value her friendship and I've had some of my best times at uni with her and her friends, so obviously i don't want this to stop or to tarnish past memories by doing something stupid.
The next girl is a lot more confusing. I met her in the first week, at a lecture (I'll call her 'A'). I sat next to her friend who I'd briefly seen in the registration queue a couple of days earlier, and there were three of them there. During this lecture we were organising our first field trip, and the lecturer told us to go into groups of four to share caravans. A's friend said "OK, there are only three of us" so I chipped in and said "I'll make it four!" not expecting a response, but amazingly they agreed! We all swapped numbers, and I was still having trouble remembering who was who, even on the bus going to the Lake District. When we got there, we found the accomodation only had two bedrooms with large beds, so A told me she didn't mind me going with her. We had a fun weekend, and between the four of us a strong friendship remains to this day. A couple of weeks later A apparently had me down as her guest for a Halls dinner thingy, until she found out that she could only invite lecturers or staff. Then sometime in early October I bumped into the three of them in a club, and A was a bit drunk and she came up and hugged me and said she loved me etc. etc. and then they disappeared off somewhere. It was about a week or so after that that I started developing proper feelings for her, and sometime near the end of October I asked her out for lunch (after remembring she told me one night we were sharing how she found that sort of stuff romantic). I'd sorted in my head what I'd say for any response, but I didn't think about the response "Why are you asking me out?", which is precisely what she said. Like a total numpty I said something like, "Oh, so we can catch up..." and she fobbed me off with the usual "Got a lot of work" excuse. That was made worse when I went to the bar with a mate to drown my sorrows, and guess who walks in? Yep, A. After that I tried to tell myself to settle with a friendship. A few weeks later I was on a late bus, and she came on and sat next to me, and we had an odd conversation - she was complaining about the fact i kept her awake with my snoring when we shared and said a couple of other things about me which were hardly compliments, though she did have a smile on her face. She also mentioned she was going to go on a date with a guy the next day who she'd met a couple of weeks before, though she said she didn't know if she would go or not. Whatever, when I got off that bus my mood was not pretty. However, later on it gets more confusing. Two or three weeks later (at the beginning of December), I bumped into her and her mates whilst out, and once again she basically jumped on me and seemed really pleased to see me. Her sister was also visiting for a few days, and A introduced us. Her sister then exclaimed to me at how much A had been talking about me with her, etc. She also said something else which sparked my feelings off again, though I can't remember what it was. With seeing V seemingly with another guy as well, I just drank a lot as I was very confused. But since then my feelings for A have flared up a lot again, and it is driving me mad. I really don't know what to do - do i ask her out again and hopefully not fuck it up, or do i leave it for Christmas but risk her finding someone else by the time we get back in January? Cos if that happens you have no idea how depressed i'll be. Do you think she's just playing hard to get? (her personality does seem to conform to that sort of stuff).
MESSAGE TOO LONG... PLEASE READ NEXT POST TO CONTINUE
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Comments
Right... to sum up... i've come to this point cos I've got the prospect of another Christmas with no special person to talk to, spoil, take out, etc. and hoping for better luck in the New Year, but after this year I really do wonder when I'm going to find it! What do I do? I'm going to leave V alone, I think, as there is too much to lose and now A has taken over my feelings again. But what on Earth am I going to do about my situation with her? If I lose her cos I'm doing all this dithering and am too slow, then I'm going to get very upset, but also if I lose her friendship (and the other two's) because I told her how I really feel, then I've got to face them for the next three years in lectures and be reminded of it. I don't want another situtation like i had before, where i spend over a year infatuated with one girl and having no success, but I've been this state of limbo since May 2002 at least, and its really getting me down.
Any advice? Thanks in advance (even for just reading this!)
First of all, V, Id leave it be with her and let things settle. Be content with her friendship as that seems to be all she wants.
D, seems to be nice enough and a friend but as you've said yourself if you dont like her in that way then keeps things as they are and stick to friendship, theres no point in trying to fake feelings because you'll only end up hurting her.
As for A, she does seem to be giving mixed signals. If you are sure about your feelings for her and how strong they are, I wouldnt necessarily give up just yet, from what youve said about her she seems to be interested but unsure of something. Maybe shes been hurt in the past and is being careful that it doesnt happen again. This is soemthing you should consider, give her a bit of time. Ask her out for a quiet drink, or lunch, something like that so that the two of you can catch up, only as friends. See what she says. If a similar thing as before happens, such as she turns up somewhere after saying shes got work to do. Leave it be, she is messing with you and lying to you about something. If she doesnt feel she can be honest ie say she already has plans or something like that then its not worth getting upset about.
So if I were you I would give A a bit more time and try again, and just be happy with your friendships with V and D. If A isnt for you then there will be that special someone out there for you, you just havent found them yet.
I hope everything works out for you.
*sorry took a while to read*
hmm...i completeely understand your situation I'm in a similar (but messier) situation myself and being alone SUCKS.
unfortunately it seems like these girls arent teh best prospects.
V seems to be a friend and that's it.......D obviosuly likes you but like you said (and I'm sure you don't me to say this as well) there's no point as if you did go out your only drop her or feel odd about it all. A again.....well mixed singles alert. she seems like the kidn of girl who'll hurt you if you hang on to hope.;
I think your best bet is to solve the roots of the problem - that fact being taht everyone sees you as a brother as such. I don't know if there is antthing you cna do.....maybe try and learn to flirt more rather than being indiffernet to epople. make it obvious to people as soon as you like them that you do.
Speaking from a similarly crap position; if you relaly wnat something it can be hard to let it go. so take your time...i know its hard with pressure and stuff but that's how it is. try and have fun depite all these crappy problems and have some good laughs.
good luck xxxxxx
Although there is another issue and thats your lonliness.
Believe me...you will feel more lonely being in the wrong relationship so don't go out with someone just because they seem to like you (D).
I'm sure that the right person is out there but perhaps you have to stop projecting everything you want onto people?
Your feelings for A are really strong and yet she seems to be messing you about a bit so she can't be that great can she?
Yeah but maybe she's confused herself? I don't know...
Yeah.........you say that but maybe you want her to be confused? What I mean is that often when we want people to like us we don't accept that they don't even when they say that don't want us!
I could be wrong though and so if you are going to persue any of these girls I think it should be A.