living a lie........

[warning: LONG POST] okay you lot are just a bunch of strangers which is why i can talk about this and maybe get some advice...........i feel like my whole life is just a lie, and i dont mean to tell my life story but so you know what i mean...........my parents were missionaries/hippies who belonged to a relgious cult (for lack of a better word) called 'The Family', quite a big international movement, website and everything.......anyways, back in '84 my 'rents were in india preaching etc.....

infidelity was the norm (all that hippie free love going around), which is how i was born.......i never knew my biological father, our family left india when i was 3, i was of course much too young to know what was going on.........took a while to figure out why my older sister and younger brother were white but i was asian........i have come to terms with this now and it doesnt bother me, but at the time it was hard to deal with, esp. as i was living with 5 other families or so in a big old house (like a kibutz or something), hence a lot of other children my age always asking questions and occasionally teasing.......

thats how it was until i was 10, moving around the country from home to home, never really settling down, my adopted father left when i was 8, he couldnt hack it anymore, i remember feeling depressed for quite a while, like i couldnt hold on to a dad if that makes sense, i do still feel like i never really had a father.........we left the family when i was 10, which i suppose is where my normal life began.........

before then i hadnt even met a person in public (referred to as 'systemites' by the family) and we were shielded from the outside world, i dont think i'd even been in a shop before, which sounds ludicrous.......i was taught the world was going to end at any moment and to start preparing, so for 10 years of my life my head was screwed with and i had some strange ideas.......

anyways, i started school at 11, it was nearly impossible to fit in because i had no concept of normality, never been to primary school so didnt have any friends to start with.......i basically kept my head down for years, made a few friends at school but never really went out and did stuff with friends like kids do, because i had no fucking idea......i almost felt mentally retarded, i guess i was for a while......of course i never told anyone about my past, because it was just plain weird........

and i guess that is the hardest thing of all, that i dont feel i can tell anybody how im feeling, even now, and thats hardly news to most teenagers, but these are slightly different circumstances.........im 19 now btw so this was all a long time ago, and i have kind of brainwashed myself into forgetting all about it, put it out of my head for years, now i only have a vague memory of my childhood which is pretty fucked up.........i think deep down i am a very sad person and im quite melancholic by nature........i have adapted to life on the outside and go out with friends all the rest........i still have a little stigma about girls, which i guess stems from a lack of understanding, used to be much worse but i have coped with it.........

all very bizarre i know, but what i am asking is this................firstly, does anyone have a clue where i'm coming from and what im saying.........and second, is there anything i can do about it or just accept it and get on with life, which is what i have tried to do for years but i still feel like im carrying this huge sack of crap on my back, i find it hard to develop close relationships because i cant be honest about my past, i feel a bit like an alien..........ah and totally unrelated but i can't smell and havent told anyone about that either........im so sick of having to keep so many things secret..........when people meet my family they ask why are my brothers and sisters all white, stuff like that.........reactions/suggestions/comments all welcome