Please help me

user123

I really need some advice please

So my bf kissed a girl while we were talking and not together yet and now we are together for a few months. My sister recently found this out and I’m so worried what she thinks. She initially said she didn’t judge at all and assured me of this but then I heard her saying to my mum that she wouldn’t like it etc so after days of worrying I talked to her about it and she said it’s because she’s been cheated on before and that I was lucky and she has trust issues and basically told me catch a grip of myself. She said making a deal of this is discrediting her situation. But I don’t care what happened with my bf I’m worried what my sister thinks. What do I take from this? I feel so distressed. I’ve had days off uni and can’t get on with my life and I have an exam next week.

Sian321

Hey @user123, thank you so much for this post and for sharing your situation with us. What you've described sounds really stressful, and I can hear that it's been hard lately to get on with your life when all of this is racing around your mind.

It sounds like it's been difficult to disentangle your sister's feelings here from your own - would that be fair to say? Your bf's decision to kiss a girl while the two of you were talking but not together has triggered some really strong feelings for her, and that's left you feeling judged - as though your lack of care about your bf's decision discredits the suffering your sister went through when she was cheated on - have I got that right?

That sounds really tough, @user123 , esspecially since it feels like these are two quite seperate situations here - you don't feel that what your bf did was wrong or hurtful, and you feel okay with it. And that is absolutely valid too. Sometimes people can tend to see our situations through the lens of their own history, and I wonder if that's what's happening here with your sister?

I wonder if there might be a way here for you to validate the pain that your sister went through and her concern about you similiarly getting hurt, while still honouring and speaking your truth about the situation? E.g. using, statements such as, 'I can hear you're feeling X, Y, Z, and that situation in the past really hurt you. From my perspective, however, I feel A, B, and C. I respect your opinion and care for me, but I need to be able to make my own decisions here and draw my own conclusions'.

How does this sound? We're all here for you, @user123 , and please let us know what happens over the next few days if you wish to. I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself because feeling judged or accused like this can be so stressful. You're doing so well to talk about this.

user123

Thank you @Sian321 I think my sister was more so saying that the situation of my bf kissing a girl before we were together and talking is so minor compared to when she was cheated on and do basically catch a grip of myself about worrying what she thinks? She basically said. I’m just struggling to interpret what she said but I think it was along these lines. I am kind of worried of mentioning this again to her because everyone is sick of me talking about it and I feel like they won’t even engage with me but I’m so anxious and can’t think of anything else

Orchid059

@user123 I can understand that this might be a difficult situation for you at the moment as you want to gain your sister's approval of your boyfriend. However, remember that it is your opinion of him that matters- as you know him best. While it is always reassuring to have family approval try not to let is define your relationship. If it is worrying you I would bring it up with her again; don't worry if you're worried that you mentioning it again to her, because if it bothers you it is worth discussing. Let us know how you get on