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lost in a world i don’t wanna be in:/
shannonxg_
Posts: 257 The Mix Regular
i just feel like everything is just spiralling so bad. i feel like im not allowed to though like i have to just be okay? but im really not. idk how much longer i can hide that for either…
TW - mentions of eating disorder, self harm and suicidal thoughts
i had such good plans for half term in terms of getting my college work back under control again - i failed. everything all just happened and once again i was let down by a youth worker - after months of trying to arrange a session we finally had a day and time sorted then she had another meeting instead so cancelled:( i get stuff happens don’t get me wrong, but it’s been MONTHS of trying to sort this and i finally had a day and time and yeah it didn’t happen, ive also had this exact same situation with 3 other youth workers in the past 3 months too so i guess that’s what’s adding to my frustration too?
i’m meant to be back at college tomorrow, i haven’t even done any of my coursework at all as i just can’t do it, between no motivation and no understanding. i was meant to be getting a mentor but it’s now been 2 full months of college and i am still without support even after having my assessment with inclusive learning on week 2:( i dont feel able to approach any of my class tutors about it, or even the learning support officer to be honest. i kinda want to email him and ask for an appointment or something with him as i am REALLY struggling. idk what to do though as i feel physically unable to even speak when it comes to talking about any of this.
i feel like my only option is to drop out which i really don’t want to do (i done that last year) and my mum would also kill me too if i was to drop out. i really want to complete the course but i also cannot manage any of it. i hate myself so so much.
this last few weeks ive felt like i really have to prove that i need support i guess? like cmht discharged me n everything so i now have to prove that i need support. i do really feel like no one cares until you’ve put yourself at risk. i think about so many different ways of proving i need support though and im kinda scared i guess? mainly just if my mums reaction. i promise i am safe right now.
i am torn between do i go back to doctors or don’t i. i’ve only been discharged from cmht not even 2 weeks yet, im not gonna get support from them so soon so im just gonna be left with nothing so it’ll just be a waste of the doctors time then. i really don’t know what to do though as i am really not okay.
i spend everyday battling between do i get better or do i get as bad as i possibly can to prove i need help. i’m much more wanting to get as bad as i possibly can though, especially with eating to maybe be validated rather than invalidated, and self harm too. i’ve struggled for a long time with disordered eating and regardless of how i am, it’s never enough for support because im not yet dangerously underweight. as long as my bmi is okay then they do not care at all:( i have tried beat but they only allow me 1 email per month and ive spent the last few weeks emailing them asking for a response and also texting them on instagram and they keep saying they haven’t received my emails but i keep getting their auto response so they clearly have received my emails. i don’t even understand how everyone is allowed real time support through their webchat / phone line but me. i also tried eating disorder association ni too, their 24 hour helpline is a strange one though, my call was answered by a girl saying “im just out doing my shopping at the moment so ill call you back in a bit” - fast forward 2 years and im still waiting on her call back… and as for self harm, its never deep enough to be valid either. i’ve been told on multiple occasions how it’s only attention seeking. i dont do it for attention though, i keep it to myself and make sure nobody sees it or nobody in my life even knows. its not attention seeking and the fact that so called professionals even view it that way really makes me wonder why they even wanna work in mental health for a start…
if you are reading this and self harm too, i promise you are valid and it is not attention seeking, so pls don’t read what those professionals have said to me (or if you have ever had to experience being told this too) and think that it’s true because it’s not, self harm is NOT attention seeking.
i’m just so so lost in a world i really dont want to be in anymore. i’m just about surviving at this point. i feel so alone. i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up again.
i promise i am safe and don’t have any plans or intentions of doing anything to myself btw.
thank you for taking the time to read this, it’s appreciated🫶🏻
TW - mentions of eating disorder, self harm and suicidal thoughts
i had such good plans for half term in terms of getting my college work back under control again - i failed. everything all just happened and once again i was let down by a youth worker - after months of trying to arrange a session we finally had a day and time sorted then she had another meeting instead so cancelled:( i get stuff happens don’t get me wrong, but it’s been MONTHS of trying to sort this and i finally had a day and time and yeah it didn’t happen, ive also had this exact same situation with 3 other youth workers in the past 3 months too so i guess that’s what’s adding to my frustration too?
i’m meant to be back at college tomorrow, i haven’t even done any of my coursework at all as i just can’t do it, between no motivation and no understanding. i was meant to be getting a mentor but it’s now been 2 full months of college and i am still without support even after having my assessment with inclusive learning on week 2:( i dont feel able to approach any of my class tutors about it, or even the learning support officer to be honest. i kinda want to email him and ask for an appointment or something with him as i am REALLY struggling. idk what to do though as i feel physically unable to even speak when it comes to talking about any of this.
i feel like my only option is to drop out which i really don’t want to do (i done that last year) and my mum would also kill me too if i was to drop out. i really want to complete the course but i also cannot manage any of it. i hate myself so so much.
this last few weeks ive felt like i really have to prove that i need support i guess? like cmht discharged me n everything so i now have to prove that i need support. i do really feel like no one cares until you’ve put yourself at risk. i think about so many different ways of proving i need support though and im kinda scared i guess? mainly just if my mums reaction. i promise i am safe right now.
i am torn between do i go back to doctors or don’t i. i’ve only been discharged from cmht not even 2 weeks yet, im not gonna get support from them so soon so im just gonna be left with nothing so it’ll just be a waste of the doctors time then. i really don’t know what to do though as i am really not okay.
i spend everyday battling between do i get better or do i get as bad as i possibly can to prove i need help. i’m much more wanting to get as bad as i possibly can though, especially with eating to maybe be validated rather than invalidated, and self harm too. i’ve struggled for a long time with disordered eating and regardless of how i am, it’s never enough for support because im not yet dangerously underweight. as long as my bmi is okay then they do not care at all:( i have tried beat but they only allow me 1 email per month and ive spent the last few weeks emailing them asking for a response and also texting them on instagram and they keep saying they haven’t received my emails but i keep getting their auto response so they clearly have received my emails. i don’t even understand how everyone is allowed real time support through their webchat / phone line but me. i also tried eating disorder association ni too, their 24 hour helpline is a strange one though, my call was answered by a girl saying “im just out doing my shopping at the moment so ill call you back in a bit” - fast forward 2 years and im still waiting on her call back… and as for self harm, its never deep enough to be valid either. i’ve been told on multiple occasions how it’s only attention seeking. i dont do it for attention though, i keep it to myself and make sure nobody sees it or nobody in my life even knows. its not attention seeking and the fact that so called professionals even view it that way really makes me wonder why they even wanna work in mental health for a start…
if you are reading this and self harm too, i promise you are valid and it is not attention seeking, so pls don’t read what those professionals have said to me (or if you have ever had to experience being told this too) and think that it’s true because it’s not, self harm is NOT attention seeking.
i’m just so so lost in a world i really dont want to be in anymore. i’m just about surviving at this point. i feel so alone. i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up again.
i promise i am safe and don’t have any plans or intentions of doing anything to myself btw.
thank you for taking the time to read this, it’s appreciated🫶🏻
4
Comments
Firstly try and give yourself some credit for your college work as it sounds like you have been very let down by youth workers and mentors so you are not to blame here, and it is completely understandable why you feel frustrated. I know you mentioned you feel wary of reaching out to the learning support officer and it is understandable why you feel that way, but perhaps you could get your mum to reach out for you on your behalf? I sometimes think schools/colleges are quicker to take action when a parent is involved. I am sorry that it is taking so long to get things sorted for you, because it is so frustrating when things that were meant to be sorted aren't. So in that case you are rightly entitled to make a bit of a fuss to them.
Secondly, regarding your concerns about not being validated or heard by medical services, I am sorry to hear that you are being let down in this way. It is horrible to hear that you feel like you have to make your condition worse just to be heard and provided support. That's not fair on you because you are just as much a priority as anyone else and are deserving of support. It sounds like you have been let down a lot by various services and I am so sorry that has been your experience. My advice would be to keep enquiring and keep seeking support even if you don't feel 'worthy' because you are! Have you tried reaching out to your local Talking Therapies? Perhaps talking it through with someone might give you some peace of mind and they will also be able to signpost you to the correct services for you.
The takeaway message Shannon is that you matter, you are important and you shouldn't have to act in ways to make your condition worse just to be recognised by support services because that is not fair on you. You deserve to be happy and healthy and entitled to proper care.
Keep reaching out to us because we care about how you get on
i cannot ask my mum at all because of how everything at home is and how she reacts to how i feel / the potential of me actually having additional learning needs - youth workers have decided they want me assessed for additional learning needs, they think adhd specifically and i tried to talk to my mum about it and it went so badly:(
i’ve tried quite literally everything ive ever found that is accessible by a 20 year old girl in northern ireland. i’ve done counselling so so many times though and had bad luck with counsellors.
i just feel like i really do have to prove in some way to make them all realise?
thank you so much for taking the time to read that and reply to me, i appreciate it🩷
i’m sorry i’m only seeing this now!!
i don’t even know how i feel about it. relieved but also scared i guess? i’m just feeling worse than ever rn. i’m sorry.