I don't know anymore.

Chloe234

It's just so so tiring of having to be this way. I'm trying to shut everyone out in fear of not being able to contain myself or control my emotions if I don't but I hate it. It feels so much more isolating even tho it feels like the safest thing to do right now. I want to be there for others too because if I'm not there for others yet not reaching out then I've got no purpose..right?

It's just so difficult trying to shut people out when some want to be there for me and make sure I don't feel as rubbish as I do. I'm trying to stay clean from my self harm too yet even that's so hard and I keep getting teary moments yet I can't actually cry. I just feel so trapped and alone

Chloe234

I just want to sit and cry and scream all at once. I hate feeling so crappy. Every moment of every day is just so so so overwhelmingly crappy and I have no one. No one at all until the evening but even then I feel unable to open up and that's only a tiny portion of time compared to everything.

I'm just exhausted and wish I wasn't so incapable of reaching out fully yet I am and I feel so so stupid and stuck and I hate it.

Gemma

Hey @Chloe234, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. You've done so well to express how you're feeling in words. It's okay to feel stuck and conflicted about shutting people out versus wanting to connect. Sometimes when our emotions feel too big, it can seem like the safest thing to do is to withdraw, but that can also lead to feeling isolated as you’ve described.

It’s understandable that you’d want to protect yourself from the intensity of those emotions and at the same time it makes sense that you would want to be there for others too. You're not alone in feeling this way even though it might seem like it right now. What you're going through is really hard but it doesn’t mean you’re stuck forever and it definitely doesn’t make you stupid or incapable.

How have you been managing the moments when you feel like you can’t cry, or when everything feels overwhelmingly crappy? Are there any small things that give you even a little bit of relief or comfort, even if just for a moment?

Also, you mentioned trying to stay clean from self-harm and you should be really proud of yourself for trying - this isn't easy. What has been helping you in those moments when the urges feel particularly strong?

You will always deserve support even if it's hard to reach out or accept it. Would it be helpful to talk more about what makes it difficult to open up, or what you feel you might need to make that easier?

We're here for you Chloe

Chloe234

laying here in tears

Chloe234

ill reply to gemma tmmr

Chloe234

Thank you @Gemma

I don't know really, I kinda just do? Sometimes I call a friend and it distracts me but otherwise I just put up with it. The only relief/comfort I could get was self harm but obviously that's unhealthy and I'm at 3 weeks clean so it truly is a case of just dealing with it. I guess surfing gives me a release too but ive not been recently as the conditions have been pretty unsafe or even dad wont take me sometimes.

With the urges again I just put up with them as much as possible.

I dont know I just feel like a massive burden.

Former Member

Chloe234 wrote: »

Thank you @Gemma

I don't know really, I kinda just do? Sometimes I call a friend and it distracts me but otherwise I just put up with it. The only relief/comfort I could get was self harm but obviously that's unhealthy and I'm at 3 weeks clean so it truly is a case of just dealing with it. I guess surfing gives me a release too but ive not been recently as the conditions have been pretty unsafe or even dad wont take me sometimes.

With the urges again I just put up with them as much as possible.

I dont know I just feel like a massive burden.

Hey, I just want to say that it’s good that you’re talking about it because it shows that you don’t recognise that it’s not a healthy coping strategy.

I’ve had my fair share of self harm. People misunderstand it. It’s like taking the pain away that’s inside by feeling pain outside.
They labelled me as an attention seeker (because everyone is a psychiatrist these days) which made me do it more until I got really ill and I’ll just say that I’m lucky to be alive today.

I’m telling you this because - I want don’t want you to feel alone. That’s the worst thing to feel like in this situation.
That feeling of not being able to cry? I struggled with that. I felt sad but it’s like I became desensitised and the only way to feel was self harm. But there’s hope.

Self harm is an addiction. And like any addiction you can recover. Remember it’s not about stopping self harm completely. You need a system - every time you feel like it find something you like to do. Whether it’s surfing, listening to music, writing down what you’re feeling, meditating - anything that makes those urges go away temporarily.
I said temporarily because like any addiction you can go into remission or you can relapse. Don’t beat yourself up if you do it again. Instead prepare for the next day, so you don’t do it for that day. Then count each day as being free from self harm.
This helped me because instead of having that pressure of forcing myself to stop, forever, I broke it down into manageable chunks.
So when I did relapse, I wouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty just motivated to start again. My episodes became less frequent, until I developed the coping strategies to keep them at bay.
Rewarding yourself helps too, after not doing it for so long.
Also reach out to support groups for people who self harm too; it really helps talking about it. I’m kind of telling myself all this whilst I’m telling you, and I’m proud that I’ve not done it in 4 months.

Don’t get me wrong, I get urges now and again but I think about how far I’ve come.

EmLiz

Hey @Rose113 I wanted to start off with a reminder we're here for you through the difficult times I'm so sorry to hear you had a hard night last night. I'm also sorry you feel like a burden, but please know you never are and you're very much loved here. Were you able to get a bit of sleep/rest last night?

I'm also glad to hear from your reply to Gemma that you have some positive relief/comforts in surfing and your friends, but do appreciate that isn't always help when you need it. I'm going to post our Crisis Messenger service info for if you ever need it as it's 24/7 support (you can text THEMIX to 85258). But in the meantime we're all here to support you too.

EmLiz

Hey @dyoverdx thanks so much for your support on this post

I just wanted to quickly message to say I edited your post slightly in line with our community guidelines and removed some of the specific details about self harm. We have a few community guidelines we ask everyone to follow which you can read more about here but do get in touch with the team if you have any questions at all

Rose113

@EmLiz was the tag ment for @Chloe234 instead of me

EmLiz

woops don't know how that happened @Rose113 but you're totally right and thanks for tagging I'm usually a morning person....but my brain obviously wasn't 100% woken up when tagging!