I no longer enjoy physical affection, but my dad doesn't understand

Former Member

I stopped enjoying hugs and kisses a while ago, I only give them rarely now, if either I am really really happy or I am comforting a friend. Even giving a comfort hug to my friend though makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I have told my dad several times, but he always gets angry. So I usually just let him hug me and give me a kiss on my forehead or cheeck , but sometimes I feel like I want to cry when he gives me physical affection. How do I get him to understand? Because the more he does it the more I hate physical affection, and then I am accidentally rude or mean to him. I don't mean to, it's just that my boundaries are not being respected and they are being breached very often and very far.

lunarcat522

@PurpleLilac I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this, have you talked to your dad about how it makes you feel? Often hugging is a way of others showing affection so it's not an intentionally a malicious act, and it's likely that he doesn't intend to upset you.

I really empathise with you over this as I'm not one for physical affection anymore either as it just makes me incredibly uncomfortable so I get how difficult it can be when these boundaries are breached/crossed.

Do you know what it is about hugging etc that means you don't enjoy it anymore - e.g. does it feel restrictive, uncomfortable, awkward, too personal or something else? It might help to verbalise these feelings if you can identify them which might help people like your dad better understand what it's like from your perspective.

Some people are quite big on hugging which can be difficult on both ends for those who are not. Is there any other ways you might prefer people to show appreciation/support/greetings? For example, maybe just saying what they're thinking such as "I'm really proud of you" "I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time" "It's great to see you" or any replacement gestures like a high five?

I hope this helps

Former Member

Lunarcat522 thank you so much, I will try to do what you suggested, it really helps, even your comment alone has made me feel better! Hope you have a lovely day/night!

AnonymousToe

Sorry to be ironic and react to your post with a ‘hug’
That’s just me saying I hear you, it sounds difficult and I hope you can get your dad to understand

lunarcat522

@PurpleLilac Aw I'm glad! I actually recently had a hugging 'situation' where someone came up to me after being introduced and hugged me when I was volunteering, and at the time I didn't realise he was also a volunteer but it was still a very weird experience. Someone did say "she's not a hugger" and I think he said something like "I'll make her one" which was a bit unnerving so I do get how difficult it is, but especially with family members where you sort of feel obliged "because they're family", which isn't really a reason as if they're true family they should be able to understand...

There are people in my life that do get it though and may sometimes just say they're "sending air hugs" so the gesture is still there but it's also something that I'm more happy with

Gemma

@PurpleLilac - just popping in to say that I have moved your thread into the relationships forum so you can get the best support.

Some great support on this above already. We all have different boundaries and it's important these are respected by those around us. Sometimes it can be difficult for people to understand what those boundaries are but thinking about a replacement that you are more comfy with and offering that to your dad might be helpful.

Former Member

Thank you Gemma!

Former Member

Update!
I talked with him, he was a bit angry at first but now I think he understands as he didn't give me a hug when he left to gp somewhere even though he usually does, so I think he understands now! Thank you so much for the support and suggestions!

JustV

Sounds like a real breakthrough @PurpleLilac! Well done - not an easy thing to do

Men tend to express most emotions as anger, so I wonder if he was actually feeling something else but couldn't show it (maybe a bit displaced or rejected or something). Either way it sounds like you reached a place of understanding which is really cool!

LydsRose9

I just wanted to say that it’s great that you spoke to your dad and you should feel really proud of yourself! Opening up isn’t always an easy thing to do but you did it and it sounds like the outcome is a positive one. I hope things continue in this way