trigger warning - thoughts about hurting myself
i’ve hurt myself quite a lot over the last four years or so, going through periods of doing it regularly but not badly and other times of it being rarer but more severe. recently i’ve been having thoughts about it every day, randomly throughout the day but then in the evening when i’m going to bed they’re very loud. it’s getting harder and harder not to give in. i only manage not to because i know it would hurt my boyfriend and make him sad. i’ve tried quite a few coping/distraction techniques but my mind is too aware that i’m trying to distract myself and just won’t let me. these thoughts are so hard to manage and i’m just not in a great place at the moment.
for the last two or three weeks i’ve been consistently pretty low with a lot of breakdowns and anxiety, and have been feeling like i need more help and support than i currently have. i spoke to a teacher who used to help me a lot who i hadn’t spoken to for six months or so, and she said i should go back to my gp. she also said she’ll try and set up a meeting with her, my school counsellor, my mum and my head of year so that everyone is on the same page and we can make a plan. i don’t tell my mum anything and my family don’t talk about feelings at all. i’m struggling so much. everything feels too much and i feel guilty that i’m not happy when i have such a wonderful boyfriend who cares about me and i hate that even when i’m with him and have been having a good time and feeling good i then still get low and i know that i’m a burden to him and that he gets frustrated with me. i just feel lost
