Girlfriend only wants sex once every few months!

Former Member

I've only had sex with my girlfriend once, after she kept me waiting for months - even though I'd taken her out on loads of dates and seen her in person every day. I expected that once we consummated the relationship, we'd be having sex frequently and regularly. However, straight after we had sex, she said "that'll do me for a few months". I asked her if she was joking, to which she told me that she's serious. I also asked her if I wasn't good enough in bed. She said that it wasn't my performance - it's that sex isn't important and that I should be grateful to her to be getting any. She said that there are millions of couples who never have sex, so I'm lucky. She said that sex is a mere trivial optional extra in a relationship, whereas to me it's of paramount importance. On every occasion since then on which I've tried to initiate sex or even talk about it, she's outright refused. She said that when she wants sex again, she'll tell me - but that won't happen until well into the new year. I asked her if we could see each other less often and if I'm allowed to have sex with other girls. She immediately refused both things outright and told me that I shouldn't even be thinking like that. She told me that it's best if I forget all about sex for a couple of months, to which I pointed out that it's impossible for me to do that.

I suggested that we see a relationship counsellor together. She refused that, saying that there's nothing to discuss and the problem is 100% with me - that I'm being unreasonable in wanting sex more often.

Some of the people whom I know well have wrongly assumed that we've been having sex every day for months, saying that must be the reason that I see her every day. Some of my friends have sex with their significant others every time or most times they meet, so I don't think I'm strange or being unreasonable in my request.

Does anyone have any idea how I can either persuade her (or another girl) to have frequent, regular sex with me?

Former Member

Robert wrote: »

I've only had sex with my girlfriend once, after she kept me waiting for months - even though I'd taken her out on loads of dates and seen her in person every day.

This makes it sound like you're entitled to sex, or that she owes you sex simply because you've taken her out on dates or been to see her, this isn't the case. She owes you nothing. Her body her choice, just because you've been nice doesn't mean she has to drop her pants for you.
Also, The last part where you ask about persuading her or another girl to have frequent regular sex with you, if you're going to try and persuade other people to have sex with you, you need to leave your relationship as that is unfair on your girlfriend. I honestly don't think there's a way to 'persuade' your girlfriend to have sex with you, if she doesn't want to have sex she doesn't want to have sex, end of story.

Former Member

I haven't merely been nice to her - I've devoted most of my free time and income to her for the last few months. On many occasions during that time, she explicitly said that we'd be having sex very soon - but she strung things out for several weeks using various excuses. I know now that some of them were definitely bogus. She rushed out one night, saying that she'd received a text saying that her grandmother was critically ill and had been taken to hospital. I've since found out for certain that both her grandmothers died long before she first met me.

I asked her if she regretted the one time she did have sex with me. She said she doesn't regret it; she also said that she enjoyed it. However she also said that sex doesn't matter, that most people don't have sex at all and there are many things which she prefers doing. Hence it seems that she has a very low sex drive. She never mentioned (or even implied), prior to us having sex, that she has a low sex drive.

Are you saying that it's usual for a couple who see each other in person every day to only have sex once every few months? If I'd known about her extremely low sex drive at the start, and that we'd only have sex once during all this time, I would never have started taking her on dates. I personally know couples who have sex every day, so I know that things don't have to be as bad as they are for me. I asked one of my couple-friends who have sex every day how they got into that situation - so that I might copy their success. They replied, in a puzzled way: "why wouldn't you have sex every day? It's great - don't you do it every day?".

It sounds like you're saying that trying to have frequent sex with her will be like trying to get blood out of a stone, so I guess I shouldn't keep devoting my resources to her. If I find a new girl, how can I avoid getting into the same nightmarish trap I'm in now?

Former Member

Hey Robert,

Indeed if she doesn't want to have sex she doesn't have to and shouldn't feel pressured. I can understand why this is causing you confusing especially when you have friends who are in relationships and have frequent sex.

You said you have tried talking to her about having sex but she doesn't really respond. Have you tried telling her how you feel? Maybe you could try telling her that this makes you feel like your not good enough and although you understand she has a low sex drive you'd like more of a conversation about this to help you understand.

I understand that sex is important in a relationship but try to remember it's not everything. I think the key here is communication. Do you think she really knows how much this has upset you?

Former Member

I didn't say she doesn't respond; she does respond, by rejecting my suggestions and seduction attempts. I have told her how I feel, she knows that only having sex once makes me feel frustrated and inadequate and that it has upset me. However, she doesn't care how I feel: she says that I'm in the wrong and that it's normal to only have sex once every few months. She says that there are millions of couples who never have sex. I've tried many times to have a conversation about this, but she won't compromise and always tells me that it's my sex drive that's too high, not hers that's too low.

Sex is very important to me, as I imagine it is to most young people. I don't see that I'm being unreasonable in wanting it frequently.

I find it bizarre that she demands to see me every day, yet she doesn't care about me. The lack of sex isn't the only problem - she also doesn't show much affection at all (although she did during the first couple of months). She doesn't often even want to kiss or hold hands, she doesn't give me compliments, try to help me with any of my problems, use terms of endearment etc. - despite me doing all those things for her. This relationship is very one-way. She seems to just be using me as someone to spend time with, talk to, help solve her problems, take her out etc.

Some of my friends have much better relationships, although obviously I don't see what they're like when I'm not there.

Former Member

I may be wrong but it seems like you only seem to care about the sex, nothing else. Both people have to be happy in a relationship for it to work so maybe she is secretly telling you something.

Former Member

You are wrong. As I've said, I also have a problem with the fact that she doesn't care about me, doesn't help me with anything and doesn't show any affection towards me.

Why would she be unhappy with me? I've devoted most of my attention, free time and money to her throughout the time I've known her - how could I have done any more for her?

There's nothing unusual or abnormal about wanting frequent sex. I personally know people who enjoy daily sex.

She's not secretly telling me something - she's making it clear that she doesn't care about me and is just using me. I wish she'd been clear about that from day one, then I wouldn't have wasted months of my life on her. For the first couple of months she showed attraction, affection etc. towards me - I thought that was real. Now I realise that she faked that.

She won't allow the option seeing each other less often, or taking a short break from our relationship. She says that we have to see each other in person every day.

If I end the relationship (as my friends have advised me to), how can I prevent another girl doing the same thing to me? I feel really stupid to have believed her lies and allowed her to take over my life for about half of this year.

Former Member

Hi Robert,

From what you've written it seems like you're not very happy in this relationship. As previously mentioned, when someone does not want to have sex, that is a decision which needs to be respected. Her reasons for it can be as small or as little as possible, however are always valid. Sex is a very precarious thing and quite a touchy subject for many. Your personal preferences within a relationship are perfectly valid and you deserve to be as happy as anyone in a relationship! Unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee that another girl won't do the same to you, but it is safe to say that not every female (nor male) is the same! Whether you are willing to be involved with another is completely your choice It could be worth writing down the positives and negatives in your relationships to see which outweigh the others to potentially help with your decision. Both yours and your girlfriend's happiness is important!

Hope to hear from you soon,

Drea

Former Member

I'm far from happy. Every day, I give and she takes.

I do respect that sex drives vary a lot; what I don't respect is dishonesty and someone pretending to be something they're not. If she'd been honest from day 1, I wouldn't have been attracted to her. However, she faked a sexy and affectionate persona - which she then dropped once she'd got me seeing her every day. For a few months, she said on many occasions that we'd be having sex together "very soon". When it finally happened, she said it won't happen again for a few months!

I'm not saying that every girl (or even most of them) are the same. However, I'm a very unlucky person so I'd like to know how to reduce the chances of this happening again - without giving up and being celibate.

I've listed the positives and negatives. The positives column is now empty; the negatives column is rather long.

I've made up my mind to end the relationship, as I can no longer tolerate the emotional, financial and time burdens that she is imposing on me - and there is no willingness on her part to even try to improve. However, I don't know exactly how to. I've never ended a relationship before, as each of my previous relationships were ended by the girl. I want to know what to say in order to make it clear that it's over, whilst avoiding her reacting to that by stalking me, taking some type of revenge against me etc.

Former Member

Hi Robert,

It's good that you have managed to come to a decision with your girlfriend. Breaking up with someone doesn't really have a set of rules to follow. As long as you say what you're comfortable with and if you want her to know it's genuinely over, then it would be good to just say exactly that and be honest about it all. Other things which could help would be to cut out communication etc... But again, take things as far as you feel comfortable doing! And in relation to your query about reducing the chances of it happening again is something that is hard to give advice on since everyone is different! If it helps, being honest from the start could help the person you are seeing know what you look for in a relationship so you're both happy to proceed with a relationship. Hope this helped

Drea

Former Member

I can make that clear, but I'm still concerned about her taking some kind of revenge against me and making things difficult for me afterwards. We live near to each other and she could turn up at all times, vandalise my place etc. She has a key to mine and even if she gives it back, she could have taken a copy of it. She's been trying to rope me into all kinds of Christmas and new year stuff that I don't want to do and which would have been very time-consuming, stress-inducing and expensive for me if I'd done it. It included taking her to various places, visiting and buying presents for her dreadful family and friends as well as for her and buying her a new Christmas tree, decorations etc. She's told me that it's a boyfriend's duty to provide for his girlfriend. She's told many people that I'll be taking her to various people's houses and parties, despite me not having told her that I would do so. When I've told her that I won't be going, she's tried to psychologically blackmail me by telling me that they're expecting me and that it would be wrong of me to disappoint them. She lives off me as a parasite and removing her from my life won't be easy. What you suggest would work fine with a reasonable person - but she's far from reasonable. Last month, I found out that she was very unpleasant to a previous boyfriend after he broke up with her - so my fears of her doing likewise with me are well-founded. This included hiding fish in his house so it stank when they went off, vandalising his clothes and car and spreading horrible lies about him around the college which they both were students of at the time. She acted nice to me at first, so I didn't know then what she was really like.

I now know for certain that she has never cared about me. I had to give her loads of presents, throw a party for her etc. for her birthday - for which she didn't show any gratitude. When it was my birthday (which she knew about for several weeks beforehand), she did nothing for me - she didn't even say happy birthday to me. When I mentioned it to her, she said "so what".

I was honest with her from day one, but she misrepresented herself and her intentions - how could I have known what she was really like? Is there a way to see through the metaphorical mask that some people wear when they pretend to be a very different person to who they actually are? Had I known her true nature, I wouldn't have had anything do to with her; I wish I'd never met her. I feel very foolish to have wasted most of my free time and disposable income on her for months.

I know that relationships don't have to be like this, because I have friends who have much better relationships. My best friend and his girlfriend have a harmonious, affectionate relationship; they say I love you to each other and have sex together every day - despite not living together. I asked each of my friends for their advice - all of them quickly replied that I should remove her from my life as soon as possible - permanently and completely.

You said in a previous post on here that sex is a precarious and touchy thing for many people. How can I avoid girls who have that attitude to sex? If I were to ask a girl when I meet her what her attitude to sex is, she would react very badly. Likewise with the burdens that my gf has increasingly piled up on me, leaving me no time or money for anything else - how can I find out early on if another girl will (try to) do that to me?