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Can't do this.

*BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical PosterPosts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
I can't deal with life anymore. I take my meds but still end up feeling like this. So what is the point anymore. May aswell just not take it. :(

Im feeling so angry and upset. But I dont even know why. Sometimes I wonder how nice it would be to just go to sleep and not wake up. To not have the thoughts, to not have to take medication to be happy and stable, to not have to pretend everything is good when it really isn't.

I'm tired. Tired of trying.
" And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "

Comments

  • louisa982louisa982 Thesite.org oldie Posts: 286 The Mix Regular
    Hey bananamonkey

    Sorry to hear you are feeling like shit. The medication thing sounds really difficult. have you tried talking to your GP? I can be really tricky getting the right medication for the right person but when they do it can really help.

    You say your angry and upset. Is this at someone / something ? Or is it triggered by anything particular? If there is something you may be able to control when your feelings when it happens.

    Pretending your okay when your not sometimes can be easier when you don't want to explain but mostly its really tough and would be alt better for you if you are honest about how yo are feeling, it may give some relief to just tell someone.

    hope this helps. take care okay?

    louisa x
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you for your reply :heart:

    I spoke to my doctor last week, I am staying on my medication for the time being, I am being sent for blood tests to find out why I am tired all the time, but the stress from my job isn't helping. Just feel like I have nobody to talk to.

    I don't really feel in control anymore. Last night I relapsed and I feel so ashamed in myself for it. It shouldnt of happened.

    I generally don't see the point in trying anymore. Like all I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

    The only time I feel okay is when I am at work, yeah I'm not happy at work anymore but it gives me focus and distraction.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help feeling how disapointed my Nanna would be off me if she was still alive. The pain is too much sometimes knowing I wont ever see her again.

    I'm sorry for being all meh all the time.

    :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey BananaMonkey,

    Glad to hear you went to see your GP; it's good to start with ruling in/out any medical causes of tiredness. Stress is a common factor which can contribute to feeling tired. What things do you like doing to help you feel calm and relaxed?

    Is there anything in particular going on that you might want to to talk about?

    It's okay to not feel okay all the time, and remember you're more than welcome to come on here to blow off some steam.

    "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow." I think your signature quote is relevant here. It's okay to call it a day when things get too much, and try again tomorrow :)

    Keep talking to us *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey - just wanted to ask how long you have been consistently taking the meds for?

    As hard as it is, it can take up to 6 weeks for them to take effect so do hang in there if you can to work out if they're right for you.

    It's really good as raich says that you're talking to your GP though - the more you can work together the better.

    It sounds like a lack of control and also really thinking about your Nana a lot is upsetting you. If you wanted to use the space to tell us more about your Nana and what you miss about her then we're here to listen - bottling things up often gives them more weight and power - letting them out can leave you feeling a bit lighter inside - if that makes sense?

    You mention being at work provides you with that focused distraction - I wonder if you could make yourself a timetable for the week and plan some other distractions or ways to focus outside of work time - you might want to write a journal to your Nana each day and tell her how you're doing, or make some playlists that cheer you up or do some colouring, giving yourself permission to take care of yourself *hug*

    When we're tired and stressed that's when we tend to revert to our habitual or old ways of coping so don't be too hard on yourself about your relapse, perhaps see it as a sign to take some care of yourself.

    :heart:
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    raich wrote: »
    Hey BananaMonkey,

    Glad to hear you went to see your GP; it's good to start with ruling in/out any medical causes of tiredness. Stress is a common factor which can contribute to feeling tired. What things do you like doing to help you feel calm and relaxed?

    Is there anything in particular going on that you might want to to talk about?

    It's okay to not feel okay all the time, and remember you're more than welcome to come on here to blow off some steam.

    "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow." I think your signature quote is relevant here. It's okay to call it a day when things get too much, and try again tomorrow :)

    Keep talking to us *hug*

    Sorry it's taken me so long to reply back. I've been struggling and also been wanting to reply, but not found the words.

    I enjoy colouring or watching films, but sometimes I find it hard to concentrate if I'm struggling.

    I just wish I could make everything stop for a while. I'm just fed up of feeling like this now.

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Jo7 wrote: »
    Hey - just wanted to ask how long you have been consistently taking the meds for?

    As hard as it is, it can take up to 6 weeks for them to take effect so do hang in there if you can to work out if they're right for you.

    It's really good as raich says that you're talking to your GP though - the more you can work together the better.

    It sounds like a lack of control and also really thinking about your Nana a lot is upsetting you. If you wanted to use the space to tell us more about your Nana and what you miss about her then we're here to listen - bottling things up often gives them more weight and power - letting them out can leave you feeling a bit lighter inside - if that makes sense?

    You mention being at work provides you with that focused distraction - I wonder if you could make yourself a timetable for the week and plan some other distractions or ways to focus outside of work time - you might want to write a journal to your Nana each day and tell her how you're doing, or make some playlists that cheer you up or do some colouring, giving yourself permission to take care of yourself *hug*

    When we're tired and stressed that's when we tend to revert to our habitual or old ways of coping so don't be too hard on yourself about your relapse, perhaps see it as a sign to take some care of yourself.

    :heart:


    I've been on my meds since 2011, but the longest I have ever taken them has been about 2 months consistently, but I am trying hard this time. I'm near the end of my third week.

    I think making a timetable could really help me. I will try that. I think having something else to focus my evenings on could really benefit, sometimes I feel low, and it gets to the point where I just want to go to sleep cos being awake makes me feel worse.

    I find it hard to take care of myself cos I don't feel like I deserve it.

    Thank you so much for your reply :heart:

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hey there,

    Sounds really positive that you're trying hard to stay on your meds. That's great that you think doing a timetable might be useful, let us know how you get on with it. :)

    What makes you say that you don't feel like you deserve to take care of yourself? There's a link here to an article called Five ways to wellbeing on the NEF website which you might find useful.

    You're doing really well to keep talking to us about what's going on. We're all here for you *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you for your reply and also the link I'll check it out.

    I guess its cos I just think I'm not a very good person so I dont deserve care and support.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Just relapsed and I am really struggling. Im scared
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey BananaMonkey,

    Really glad that you're reaching out on here, but I'm sorry that you're struggling so much *hug*

    What is it that's made you feel that you're not a good person? From what I've seen, you spend a lot of time on here supporting others and being kind, and it's so okay for you to reach out for support when you need to.

    It can seem really difficult to look after ourselves when we're feeling tired or struggling. I wonder if you could include some time for therapeutic activities in your timetable? These could be things that you know help you feel more relaxed, practising mindfulness, or being in touch with nature and the outdoors. Once you've had this chance to unwind, it can help to bring that focus back to yourself. I wonder if you already have some ideas? You might also like to dip in to James' thread here on sharing self-care :chin:
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    I hardly support people on here anymore, cos I just don't think what I say is good enough anymore.

    Yeah I'm gonna try really hard to do things to help me feel better, and the whole self care thing. I bought myself the 'calm' book it has loads of tasks, and mindfullness and stuff it's also a journal, I've already started it, and just by looking through it has made me feel calmer already.

    Thank you for your reply. I'll check out James thread too.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    I cant do this anymore. I want to self harm. And the thoughts are really intense. :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    I cant help thinking if people knew the real me they would be so disapointed in me. :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hardly support people on here anymore, cos I just don't think what I say is good enough anymore.

    Yeah I'm gonna try really hard to do things to help me feel better, and the whole self care thing. I bought myself the 'calm' book it has loads of tasks, and mindfullness and stuff it's also a journal, I've already started it, and just by looking through it has made me feel calmer already.

    Thank you for your reply. I'll check out James thread too.


    The calm book sounds awesome :)

    It sounds like your outlook changes from feeling hopeful and motivated to look after yourself and then it can crash and you feel really down on yourself and harsh towards yourself.

    I wonder.. you said if people knew the real you they would be disappointed. Do you think we know the real you on here?

    I don't feel disappointed in you.

    I wonder if you have a sense of what can trigger the negative though spiral?

    Let us know how you'e doing and your support to others on here is always valuable, but sometimes we can't feel good about helping others until we have helped ourselves *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Jo7 wrote: »


    The calm book sounds awesome :)

    It sounds like your outlook changes from feeling hopeful and motivated to look after yourself and then it can crash and you feel really down on yourself and harsh towards yourself.

    I wonder.. you said if people knew the real you they would be disappointed. Do you think we know the real you on here?

    I don't feel disappointed in you.

    I wonder if you have a sense of what can trigger the negative though spiral?

    Let us know how you'e doing and your support to others on here is always valuable, but sometimes we can't feel good about helping others until we have helped ourselves *hug*


    Thank you for your reply. It means a lot. :heart:

    I just don't feel like I am getting anywhere, yeah I have taken my meds and I am kind of proud of that, but I honestly can't see myself recovering from self harm, or getting my moods under control.

    I guess I just feel like people like people should be disappointed in me cos I mess everything up.

    I used to be able to support others though, even if I wasn't feeling too great in myself, but now I can't even do anything right.

    I honestly don't see the point in trying anymore.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear how hopeless you are feeling at the moment :(

    Taking your meds is a huge achievement so good on you, definitely something to be proud of :)

    Despite that, I really hear how you're feeling like your self harm and moods are just too difficult to get under control. I wonder what sort of goals you set for yourself? Do you try and set yourself goals at all?

    Remember, moving into recovery is about small steps and taking your meds regularly is a great first step. One idea for a goal might be to say to yourself, "for the next two weeks I'll try to keep a mood diary and if I self harm I'll make sure I have a record of what led up to it so that I can learn more about myself and start to understand things better."

    That might be more achievable than saying I wish I could stop right now - which means that if you do harm you might then feel guilty and like you have let yourself or other people down?

    A mood diary might be just rating your overall mood from 1-10 maybe once in the morning and once in the evening and writing down the key things you have done that day - over time you can start to build a picture of what affects your mood. You might include how much sleep you had or what you ate that day too.

    You will still be able to support others, it's okay to take a break or to not feel up to it for a while and the most important thing is to focus on yourself first.

    If there was a point in trying, I wonder what might it be?

    *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey, sorry I haven't replied back until now.

    I've made some progress.

    I don't set myself goals, however I am going to try too. I think now I am up to the 6 weeks mark on my medication. I am beginning to feel better and in control more. I'm managing to deal with my moods a lot better, and distract myself. Like I've never stuck with my medication longer than 2 or 3 weeks so to get to this point feels like a huge achievement for me. I've noticed an improvement in how I am feeling and I feel more able to cope with life.

    I'm taking every day as it comes, I can't think too much ahead cos I get anxious thinking about what will happen if I ever have to come of my medication.

    Anyway just wanted to say thank you for all your support guys, it has helped me so much. I honestly don't think I would of made it to the six weeks part without the kind words and encouragement from the people here. :heart:

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is really positive news and great to hear BananaMonkey - go you! :yippe: How are you feeling about your progress?

    Taking each day as it comes sounds like a really good plan :yes:

    We're always here to try and help you through the steps *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    I feel pretty good thank you. I didn't think I would get to this point so I am super proud of myself. I just hope this is the start of a fresh start in my recovery. :thumb:

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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