What's to Celebrate? Struggling at home

ShatteredSecrets

Hi guys..

I'm sorry for this. I don't mean to keep moaning and complaining i'm just not coping at the moment. I feel like there is nobody to talk to. It's like I want to talk but I don't.

I've spent the past few days being told I should just make this world a better place and kill myself. I feel in utter despair that they could start this all over again. There was no foreseeable triggers. We were not arguing. They just piped up with it out of the blue and just would not stop.

What makes things worse is that it's my birthday tomorrow and I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like there's nothing to celebrate. It's hard to feel loved or valued or important when the people who are genetically programmed to love you... and even they can't stand me. It feels like they don't care whether I live or die.

I'm sorry I realise I'm going on now. I'll be quiet. I'm sorry.

- ShatteredSecrets

Former Member

Hey SS,

There's no need to say sorry - we are here for you *hug*

I'm so sorry to hear you've been on the receiving end of these words recently. It sounds like you've experienced something like this before, and it must be difficult to hear those words from those around you. You said that it popped out of the blue, but I wonder if you think there is anything that has been going on recently that might have caused this?

It's tough to want to celebrate something as special as your birthday when you're feeling like this - perhaps you could just do something for yourself or treat yourself.

If you feel like talking to someone moments like this, you could try contacting Samaritans - they are there to listen :yes:

You matter, and you can keep posting here any time you need an outlet, as often and as much as you need to

ShatteredSecrets

There's not really been anything. I guess they just must really hate my guts. I mean this has happened before along with other things but I just thought all of that was over with. I guess I was wrong.

I've never really had much luck with the samaritans.. I wouldn't really know what I would say to them anyway.

Thanks for replying, Raich.

Former Member

Hey there,

No one should ever have to hear such cruel words SS. Are we talking about your family here? Is it one member of your family in particular or all of them?

Sometimes anger and lashing out at others is a cover up for someone's own vulnerability. However, whatever might be going on for your family to have felt the need to say these things to you, it's no excuse for the pain it causes you, people don't often realise their impact on others and saying things will understandably have a huge affect on how you feel about yourself.

Do you feel able to respond when this happens? Or find a safe space to soothe yourself?

Is there anyone right now you feel you can trust and could confide in?

If you did manage to give the samaritans a go they will help you to talk and you can tell them what you have told us in this thread. You can always email rather than call if it might help to vent all your thoughts and feelings..

Keep talking to us if it's helping, we're here for you *hug*

ShatteredSecrets

Hi Jo,

Yeah it is family.. it is mainly one family member in particular but he always denies any wrongdoing.

Sometimes I reapond sometimes I don't. More often than not I don't respond and I just run to my room and battle with myself and try my hardest not to hurt myself. However, the times I do respond it just makes it worse.

The only person I've told is my counsellor but it's hard with her bc I obviously only get 50 mins a week and I open all this up only to close it again. I'm making progress with her but I struggle more and more between sessions. Other than my counsellor I don't really have anyone else and i'm still quite guarded with her. I'm not really coping with it all if im being honest. I spent all day yesterday and today laying in bed but not sleeping. I haven't been sleeping at all. I've been eating barely anything. It seems that mistreating myself is the only thing that makes me feel better.. or not better but just... less worthless? Like im getting what I deserve? Im sorry if that doesnt make any sense..

I'm just quite apprehensive with the samaritans i guess i always struggle with what to say.

- ShatteredSecrets