I'm numb ~ worried about possible BPD diagnosis

Former Member

This is my first post and I am not sure if this is the correct place for me to even put this, but here goes:



I feel like my head is about to explode. Everything just feels so overwhelming and intense.
When I was 15 and still in high school, I went through a really rough patch.Typical high school dramas with bullies, lack of confidence and a toxic 2 year relationship that ended when I was 17. Anxiety and depression made it unbelievably difficult for me to live my every day life, and to make matters worse, I started self-harming. I didn't understand my actions at the time. All I knew was that by hurting myself, it gave me a temporary relief and the rush took my mind to a more calming place.
A lot happened from when I was 15 until I was 17, things that I don't want to bore you with, but in the end my parents were told and I was whisked away to a local mental health service for therapy.

I attended 1 meeting and the man who took my sessions put me on medication for anxiety and depression.
Meeting 2 was nice. We got talking about my past and my triggers. We got into really deep conversations about what really on my mind.
3rd meeting.. Well, he decided to tell me that he believes I may be suffering from Bipolar Disorder. This scared me so much and I never went back. They sent out letters with appointment cards but I just did not have the courage to face him once more.

I don't know what scared me, all I knew was that I did not want to be defined by BPD, Depression, Self-harm and Anxiety. I carried on the medication for around 5 months and I felt like those little pills were helping me.

I am now 19, away to start college again in August to study Business and I feel like I need answers and treatment.
I don't want to make this post any longer than it already is, but I have been dealing with so much, to name a few: a traumatic experience from Christmas Day, a crappy break-up and -what I can only place a guess on- manic and mania episodes. There is just so much I feel like I need to get out, but somehow, posting it online is just not going to do me any good.

I am still struggling with self-harm. I broke my 10 month clean record in April, when I broke up with my boyfriend. I am now on 3/4 weeks free.
I am still struggling with my numbness, these intense moods when I am not feeling numb and so much more than just "body image issues". It has become self-hatred and it is terrifying me.

I guess what I wanted to say was; All I am scared of is hearing those words. The diagnosis. Not of just possible BPD, but depression. I know I am depressed. I don't need a specialist to tell me that. I felt defined by my diagnosis last time and it made me feel just awful. It has gotten to a stage now, where I can hide it. I have became so good at fooling everyone around me, even I have began to believe the act I put on.

I just don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for rambling and wasting whoever's time because they are reading this.

I'm lost, numb and desperate to feel somewhat "normal" and okay again.