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Hi, my name is dwinkkid and i dont even know if i want a response but here goes

dwinkkiddwinkkid Posts: 2 Newbie
edited June 2018 in Health & Wellbeing
my mind feels like a void of unreadable emotion and i dont understand it. i want to cry, but i cant. i dont feel like my body is my own. i feel like im just this voice controlling this big body and telling it what to do. i look at my fat rolls and i get a better understanding of it. im lame. im fat. im ugly. what i say without thinking it. i dont feel like im thinking anything im typing. my hands are just moving across my keyboard. i feel like im watching from a distances as i express what im feeling with my hands and my computer. my hands dont feel like they're connected to my body. my emotions dont feel like they're connected to my body, im looking for them but i cant find them. all i feel is complete numbness. i dont care about anything anymore. whats the point? at least when i felt something i felt something for a reason. if i was sad then i cared about something enough to make me sad. nothing can make me sad right now. nothing can make me happy right now. im not in between, im neither. i dont know if what im writing makes sense.
i dont know if what im writing makes sense. im just writing because i feel like there's nothing else i can do besides read something dumb like fanfiction or sleep. sleep and never wake up? im too weak for that. i know ill wake up tomorrow. i know ill feel emotion again. i like this numbness, it makes me not have to deal with anxiety. with stress.
i just killed a fly. it was easy. it was quick and simple and i just continued on with my life after staring at its sad, lifeless body. is that what it'll be like if i just get crushed under the palm of life and i never got up? people would just be sad for a while, and then continue on.

i dont know if i want anyone telling me that i have so much to live for or anything like that because itll just be a sad reminder that i dont.

[Added by moderator from separate post]

im sorry
all it does is get in the way. i can say that about two things.
me and my emotions.
im sorry
im so messed up why am i bothering all the people on this website with things i hate telling people. i hated therapy but i just gab my mouth off on this.

Post edited by JustV on

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Heya. 

    I think you describe how youre feeling really well :)

    i lived inside just my own head and not my body for awhile and i sometimes dissocate. The two didnt feel v connected either , and felt distant and numb. Is a way the mind may try to cope from intense feelings of anxiety and shuts down so feel numb  do you experience depressionalisation or dissocation?. Sounds like what you desribed. Know its hard to not but the more you concentration on the feeling, the more youre feeding into it


    I know you said you like feeling numb. But that could be what is also feeding into you feel worthles?  And the emptyness making you feel like youre no one? I think people would be a lil more than sad when people die. And youre important and have much more value than that fly :)
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JamJarJamJar Posts: 274 The Mix Regular

    First off, well done for writing this post. I can not promise that me writing this now will feel like a proper response but I just want to acknowledge that I am listening to what you have to say. Although you may not fully know why you wanted to write the post, sometimes it helps just to write what you might be thinking (or not realising you are thinking) down on the keyboard. Somehow perhaps it doesn’t feel so scary after you have verbalised it… how does it feel now after you have written the post?

    Even though you say you don’t know if you want a response, or if you don’t know if you want someone telling you how much you have to live for, if you have found writing this post helpful maybe you would find speaking to someone on the phone helpful too? There are two charities, Papyrus and Samaritans who have free phonelines, the numbers and the website links are below in case you fancy taking a look for yourself:

    Papyrus’ HOPELineUK is on 08000684141 - https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

    Samaritans UK is on 116123 - https://www.samaritans.org/

    From how you are saying you are feeling detached from your body you sound like you are feeling isolated or lonely? How do you think trying to speak to a family member or friend might make you feel? If you do think you might want to tell a loved one, or if you don’t, maybe you might find this story interesting. Written by someone who helped a friend who was self-harming, also no worries if you don’t want to read it: http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/supporting-others/how-i-helped-my-suicidal-friend-6643.html

    Feel free to post on here any time in the future, we are all here to listen 😊

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