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hotly Literally just got here

Hi I'm Matt and i'm 17. I don't really know how to explain what i'm like simply aha. I had a hard ish high school (but who didn't), definitely wasn't as bad as others which does make me feel quite bad how i complain so much, anyway, I think from high school as everyone was sly and never told the truth (like most teens) I have developed a tendency to constantly over think what people are truly thinking and always think people are lying, including those closest to me. Pair this with a low self esteem and not being able to accept compliments and a very negative outlook its not what I would call fun. Definitely not as bad as ive seen which also makes me feel bad when i got counselling for it a couple years back, felt someone with bigger issues could have that spot. These feelings had been not too bad for about a year or so, just about April this year, after a break up (that was mutual and that I wanted). But after trying to talk to new people online and IRL it reminded me how horrible and sly people can be (particularity with the other sex). Things really came to a head when i did NCS (look it up if you haven't heard of it, was an amazing experience overall) when in the first week I was pushing myself to be confident around these new people and it worked for the first week, we had many tasks that took my mind off everything and somehow ended the week with a girlfriend from there (too fast i know but just sort of happened). Anyway in the second week things really hit me, I was constantly worrying what people were saying about me and felt i wasn't good enough around these people with such amazing talents that I just don't have. I'm told my talent is talking to people, i like to help when people are feeling low, well try my best anyways, "very mature for your age" my group leader said. Although I had all these lovely people around me, a amazing girlfriend and compliments all round i still couldn't get my self esteem up and had a bit of a break down in front of the leader. (who introduced me to this through NCS) I explained to him how my head is like a constant battle, mainly between facts and worries, half trusting, half hating everything. It gets very difficult to concentrate on anything like college work when my head is this way. I struggle to talk to people even tho what I really want is attention. Attention, I'd say is my biggest current problem, you see my new girlfriend is very independent, i,am not. I think this will be good for me as i need to be more independent however adjusting to it is very hard. I like constant attention as when I'm on my own my mind starts to over think and over analyse everything (even what im typing right now), she and my friends are busy people as everyone is and it leaves me wondering and creating scenarios in my head that are not true like shes not interested in me or this guy hates me and so on. I've spoken to friends and her about it and obviously they tell me why im wrong but it only temporarily helps, I assume theyre lying just to make me feel better and so on, ignoring facts. Its becoming a issue for me as i dont want to hurt the others around me by getting upset or angry when its all my fault, talking about it helps but after im done talking to them about it I feel like crap because I feel i've wasted their time or made them upset or angry if i've said ive got a problem with something. This isn't everything i've re typed this many times now aha If im honest i just want the fighting in my head to stop, be more confident in who Iam, and let my self be happy. As i say people have way more major issues than me and most the time its just me being sillyy but what do anyone think? What do you think I can do to help myself so i can also help others? 


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