mum keeps controlling what I eat

nadia0802 · March 31

I've had a difficult relationship with my mum for most of my life but shes been doing something for the past few months that's really been bothering me.

For context, my parents divorced about a year ago and I mostly live with my dad at his house, i only really see my mum a few times a week (for reasons that i wont get into now because it isn't really relevant). I struggle with body and face dysmorphia, low self esteem, depression and ocd. my mum also had an eating disorder at my age and a complicated relationship with her mother. she developed food intolerances because of long covid during the pandemic and now has a very restricted diet.

My mum has been constantly commenting on what i eat and it's very tiring and mentally draining. I am slightly chubby and I have been trying to lose weight after not excersising for years and slowly improving what i eat and id like to think i have a fairly balanced diet. But my mum is very anti processed food, anti sugar, and anti alcohol. The other day she bought me coffee and was complaning about all the processed stuff in it, which lead me to explain that i dont eat proccessed stuff that often and when i do its because we don't have the time to prepare homemade foods. She goes on to explain how i should cut all processed food out of my diet and that if i eat certain amounts of food i could develop cancer when im older (statements that are not good for my OCD brain to hear). I'll tell her i ate a snack or an extra bit of food because im hungry and then she'll go on about how i should be eating less calories if i want to lose weight (this isn't the first time she's criticised my body). I told her I had a small bit of dark chocolate in my oats and she'll freak out saying that sugar isn't good for you and that you don't need it in your diet. I'll tell her i'm tired or struggling with my bowel movements (i have bad guts for reasons which i haven't found out yet) and she'll say i'm gluten intolerant or dairy intolerant or my body reacts badly to sugar.

She also gets angry when I drink alcohol. I turn 18 in a few months and i rarely drink alcohol (at least once every few months) and even if i do i only have a small glass and i rarely feel any effects. She will go off at me and educate me on how alcohol is bad and posionous (as if i didn't know that already) and shout at my dad for letting me drink. I fear she will be even more controlling about alcohol as i enter adulthood, even though i should be able to make my own desicions at that age.

I just feel incredibly sad and paranoid about what i eat around her, i feel like she'll never be happy with my diet or the way i look and i dont want to fall into an eating disorder like she did. I know she just wants to protect me and for me to be healthy but her behaviour makes me upset and when i approach her about it she just doubles down.

idk if anyone has a similar experience to me but i would just like some advice on how to deal with this or at least some reassurance that im not the only person going through this

thetiefling · March 31

i'm sorry, i'm at a loss for advice, however these are some things that're always helpful for me to hear when things like this are happening to me (and i hope they're helpful for you to hear too <3):

always remember that a diet filled to the brim with foods considered 'unhealthy' is always going to be so much better for you then going hungry. you need fuel to survive
regardless of the conflicting views of others on the matter, no food is inherently bad; processed, fatty, full of carbs, sugary, you name it. none of it is inherently bad. you can fit foods from every corner of the food pyramid into your diet (and you should) and be a both physically and mentally healthy person whilst doing such
your OCD related thoughts, whilst terrifying, bring no real threat of harm - there has never been a person who has been able to think a scary thought into reality, and you will not be the first
insults and unfair criticisms that're placed on to you by somebody else almost always come from a place of their own insecurity; they are projecting. you are not what they say you are, and you will not become what they say you will
it is normal to feel angry, scared, upset and frustrated in response to being treated poorly, even when it's by the people that you love, or the people that are supposed to care for you. you are allowed to feel this way. never let anybody, including those people, convince you otherwise

Azziman · 9:02AM

Hi @nadia0802, thank you for sharing this with us. I can hear how this situation is making you feel sad and paranoid. Your feelings are valid and it sounds like a difficult place to be. You're certainly not alone - it's more common than people realise for parents to take concern over healthy habits too far, where the motivations and level of control vary.

Your health and wellbeing (not just physical, but mental and emotional too) are important, and it sounds like your mum is focusing on one aspect of health to the detriment of another. I wonder, how comfortable/safe would you feel about having a conversation with your mum about how her comments make you feel? Have you spoken to your dad on this?

I also wonder whether there's external contacts that can provide you support. How would you feel about finding a support group, where there'll be other people who understand this feeling of being stuck in situations like this?

I'm sorry to hear the situation you're in. We're here to listen to you, and support you through this.

mum keeps controlling what I eat

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