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Trying to put things into words.
Animalloverb
Posts: 615 Incredible Poster
Everything I try to build gets knocked down. Every time I think I’ve made progress, something crashes into it and I’m back at the beginning again. So I build walls instead , not because I want to, but because it’s the only way I know how to survive anymore. And the worst part is that those walls don’t just keep pain out, they keep everything out.
I carry trauma that doesn’t heal. Not the kind people talk about like it’s a chapter you close or a lesson you learn from. This is the kind that lives in my body, in my reactions, in the way I flinch at things I can’t explain. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to be “better", but it doesn’t leave It follows me into everything and reminds me that some damage doesn’t disappear just because you want it to.
I’m so tired of rebuilding myself, i am tired of being expected to act normal when my nervous system is constantly on edge. I am tired of pretending that time fixes things when all it’s done is teach me how to hide how broken I feel.
Every wall I build is proof that something hurt me deeply enough that I couldn’t stay open anymore, and I hate that because I don’t want to be closed off, angry, distant, or guarded. I just don’t know how to exist without armor when life keeps proving that I need it.
I feel stuck between wanting to heal and knowing I don’t know how. Between wanting connection and being terrified of it. Between surviving and actually living and right now it feels like I’m only doing the first one.I’m exhausted from carrying pain that never asked permission to live inside me. And I’m angry that I’m expected to be okay just because I’m still standing.
I’m hurting in ways I don’t know how to fix.
And pretending otherwise is killing me slowly
I carry trauma that doesn’t heal. Not the kind people talk about like it’s a chapter you close or a lesson you learn from. This is the kind that lives in my body, in my reactions, in the way I flinch at things I can’t explain. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to be “better", but it doesn’t leave It follows me into everything and reminds me that some damage doesn’t disappear just because you want it to.
I’m so tired of rebuilding myself, i am tired of being expected to act normal when my nervous system is constantly on edge. I am tired of pretending that time fixes things when all it’s done is teach me how to hide how broken I feel.
Every wall I build is proof that something hurt me deeply enough that I couldn’t stay open anymore, and I hate that because I don’t want to be closed off, angry, distant, or guarded. I just don’t know how to exist without armor when life keeps proving that I need it.
I feel stuck between wanting to heal and knowing I don’t know how. Between wanting connection and being terrified of it. Between surviving and actually living and right now it feels like I’m only doing the first one.I’m exhausted from carrying pain that never asked permission to live inside me. And I’m angry that I’m expected to be okay just because I’m still standing.
I’m hurting in ways I don’t know how to fix.
And pretending otherwise is killing me slowly
6
Comments
Reading over what you've written here, it feels raw and deeply painful and I really hear how exhausted you are and have been. It sounds like every time you've tried to build something up for yourself, there's this feeling of it getting knocked down or taken away, which has been utterly heart-wrenching. And I can hear how the walls you've built up as a result feel both like a necessary survival-technique at times, as well as barriers to the outside world getting in. I can imagine that might feel so lonely sometimes.
You also describe very evocatively how trauma is not simply something that's been a distinct and closed chapter of your life, but rather, something that feels to be very much alive in your body every single day, your memories, your reactions, and ways of being. And in that way, it can leave you feeling constantly on-edge, alert and vigilant as your system looks out for the next threat. That sounds so deeply exhausting, @Animalloverb , and I hear just how hard your whole system is working to keep you and your loved ones safe from harm. Its been unrelenting.
That limbo you describe also between wanting to heal, but not knowing how sounds so difficult. I really hear the duality of that longing for connection on the one hand, and how terrifying it feels on the other. Almost like two 'parts' of you that are asking for different things. It sounds like those inner conflicts can get loud sometimes, and I can imagine that might leave you feeling deeply torn about how to proceed. I really hear also that anger in response to the pressure and expectation to be 'okay' when, on the inside, there's so, so much pain you're having to bare, and it's pain that you never, ever consented to. That anger is so valid, @Animalloverb and deserves space and time to be expressed.
When you notice that the walls are up and you feel like you have to try and be 'okay', what do you feel those walls are trying hardest to protect right now?