If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. For Crisis Support (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Want to share your experience of using our Community?
We're collecting Community Case Studies which could be used on our website, on social media, shared with our volunteers, or shared with third parties who may be interested to hear how online communities help people.
Click here to fill out our anonymous form
We're collecting Community Case Studies which could be used on our website, on social media, shared with our volunteers, or shared with third parties who may be interested to hear how online communities help people.
Click here to fill out our anonymous form
Everything feels horrible right now (trigger warning, mentions of suicide)
Redemption
Community Connector Posts: 5,785 Part of The Furniture
I’ve been struggling for a long time but things have felt much worse lately, especially after a family argument over the weekend where everyone went at me. It’s been very upsetting and I’ve been having dark thoughts since being told I’ll be unemployed all my life. It hurts that my efforts aren’t being seen or valued and I’ve felt physically sick from all the stress. My thoughts have been quite scary as I don’t have any plans of suicide but it has crossed my mind as a last resort if my biggest fear of never getting a job were to come true. What’s stopping me is that I still hold on to a small belief that things can improve even if it feels tiny right now and also because I’m scared of suicide, death, and the trauma it would cause the people around me.
The thoughts scare me because I don’t want to die, I want to move forward, get a job, have goals, and be happy. I just don’t want to be stuck without direction or routine. I’m able and willing to work but things have been extremely tough lately, especially with everyone going at me. I’ve been feeling really low and awful. On my course I was told to be more focused and put in more effort but after everything that happened at the weekend I’ve just wanted to cry. I know the course is meant to help me into work but I’ve tried different things before and they haven’t worked out which makes it all feel even harder.
The thoughts scare me because I don’t want to die, I want to move forward, get a job, have goals, and be happy. I just don’t want to be stuck without direction or routine. I’m able and willing to work but things have been extremely tough lately, especially with everyone going at me. I’ve been feeling really low and awful. On my course I was told to be more focused and put in more effort but after everything that happened at the weekend I’ve just wanted to cry. I know the course is meant to help me into work but I’ve tried different things before and they haven’t worked out which makes it all feel even harder.
3
Comments
The argument with your family looks like another overwhelming and crushing weight on top of everything, when you were already struggling. Families should be giving support, helping you and encouraging you. The fact that your family has been the way it's been, and have been bringing you down with demoralising insults like telling you you'd be unemployed for life is a failure on their part, not yours. It's a good thing you've removed yourself from there hostility and nastiness now, because it's one less battle you have to fight daily. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and leaving that situation.
And as for the future, i know it's scary. It's difficult being unable to move forward until you land a job, which is obviously devastating for mental health. But i just want to remind you, as little consolation as this might be, that you are advancing bit by bit and slowly. Each course, and each certificate builds up your CV, larger and larger, and even though interviews have been hard to come by, it's a matter of fact that every now and then, you do land them, and come close to getting the positions. Eventually, one of these applications will be your breakthrough. It's hard when nothing seems guaranteed, but so long as you keep trying, you'll get there eventually.
And about holding on to the hope that things get better, that is part of what kept me alive too. If i could offer any advice on this though, based on my own experience, it's a good and a powerful motivator to keep going and hold on for the future, but emotionally I always found it didn't help with the pain i was going through right then and there in the moment. So, I used to hold on to whatever small moments of happiness i could get. No matter how silly, or fleeting that happiness was, I'd hold onto it like an anchor in a storm. In my case, simply feeding the ducks at the park was that one thing. Just so that it made the week a little bit more bearable, whilst holding on for things to get better in future.
We see how hard you try here, and we know the journey you have been on and how uphill it all has been to keep your optimism and spirit throughout it all. It sounds like that is the thing they won't take away, and that is truly so admirable, but it makes complete sense to have these feelings of absolutely hardly any hope.
Having people so close to you not see or even acknowledge your efforts is like an arrow, and so so disheartening, and I hear the sickness this is calling from all the stress. It's so much right now, but we as the Community are here for you and will rally behind you to give you the extra push when it feels extra hard!
I know you've mentioned getting a safety plan with an organisation or two, and that sounds really positive to have in case that last resort does feel like it is harder to get away from.
Try to give yourself some grace, the people at the course may mean well but they don't know the full story, and it makes total sense why it might feel hard to be fully engaged right now.
Chin up Pal, you're allowed to have these down days even if they're horrible to experience, and we all still believe in you here even if others might not right now!
Thank you so much @Leyla got me emotional reading your reply especially someone who's seen my whole journey from the start