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CEDT assessment đŹ
Lottie5433
Community Connector Posts: 885 Part of The Mix Family
I have my assessment online with the complex emotional difficulties team (CEDT) today at 10am and I'm bricking it.
I've not slept a huge deal as I was in a mini crisis last night but also I was just panicking about it so much as I don't know what to expect and no one has been able to tell me what to expect.
I worrying about where I do this as my sister and parents are home so I feel I can't do it there, mainly because a share a room with my sister. I spoke to my GM about doing it at work at the leisure complex whilst it's shut then going straight into deep cleaning up there but I don't know if she's going to let me.
So now im worrying about this and in the edge of crying and just emailing/phoning them to tell them I can't do it anymore and cancelling it.
Currently just in the gym trying to distract myself but its not helping đ
I fucking hate this feeling
I've not slept a huge deal as I was in a mini crisis last night but also I was just panicking about it so much as I don't know what to expect and no one has been able to tell me what to expect.
I worrying about where I do this as my sister and parents are home so I feel I can't do it there, mainly because a share a room with my sister. I spoke to my GM about doing it at work at the leisure complex whilst it's shut then going straight into deep cleaning up there but I don't know if she's going to let me.
So now im worrying about this and in the edge of crying and just emailing/phoning them to tell them I can't do it anymore and cancelling it.
Currently just in the gym trying to distract myself but its not helping đ
I fucking hate this feeling
4
Comments
i really am so so proud of you for even getting to this point, it takes so much strength just to show up for something like this, even when youâre bricking it. it totally makes sense that youâre feeling overwhelmed, especially with how little sleep youâve had and all the uncertainty around the assessment. not knowing what to expect can make anxiety spiral, and youâve been carrying a lot already!
please donât be too hard on yourself for feeling this way. you are not at all weak for being scared, youâre actually really brave for considering going through with it even with all this going on.
is there any way you can message your gm again just to check in about using the leisure complex? and if it isnât possible, do you have any alternative places to use?
please donât cancel because of panic though - the assessment is there to help you, and even if it feels intense, it could be a step toward things getting a little easier down the line. you deserve support and you deserve to be heard!
youâve got this, even if it doesnât feel that way right now
I just keep going into a spiral and into a state of panic about it. Like every time my phone get a notification I'm scared to look at it, or when the phone rings just incase it's them moving the assessment forwards or better cancelling it.
My GM phoned me today to ask where a key was for the leisure complex but I don't think I could go there now because we are having something fix - steam room tiles? I'm not sure. So it will be awkward if builders are walking in and out.
The only other place is my brothers room as he's at school or going to work and potentially doing it upstairs in the cafe (we don't use that and only staff are allowed)
Thank you again
Your showing immense strength and I hope this goes well for you. I can hear how scared yiu are feeling anoit this and how drained it's made you feel.
Remember in a way with it being virtual uoy in control, you can use fidgets to help you manage emotions and cam step away easier than face to face. Also you cannot see them.as such so that can sometimes make it easier.
Thank you for the message I appreciate it â¤ď¸
I did have my fidgets with me which helped a little bit.
TW mention of self harm and suicide
During the assessment we spoke about various things, like the guy had read my notes and my file on everything thats happened. To begin he just wanted to know about my situation of like who I live with and how I get on with them.
I said about how I get on with my brother coz he doesnt understand anything, i don't get on with my sisters because they use my mental health against me, and my parents are too helicoptery. We went on to discuss the helicoptering of my parents.
He asked if leading up to the appointment if I experienced anxiety and out of 100 what would I rate it. Moving on he asked about my suicidal thoughts and when my last attempt was
After all this i started to withdraw and was more restless and fidgety- more distracted I would say.
We also looked at and discussed relationships and he mentioned how trust seems to be a big part on me forming and maintaining relationships. I mentioned how it takes alot to open up to others and trust people with things that are happening with me. Due to this trust issue I never learnt to properly regulate my emotions because they were never validated. He asked how I dealt with emotions and I said i supress and bottle them up which is exhausting. I was asked if I remember how I dealt with or what emotions I had in childhood (I can't remember just what other said - me being bubbly, happy and smiley).
Then comes the treatment options - both im not too keen on but i spoke about that anyways.
So i can either have DBT where it's on a 24 week rolling schedule of emotional regulation, mindfulness, some other stuff but I can't remember just that there's alot of 2 week mindfulness blocks. With this its would have an hours sessionn with a therapist individually and a 2 hour online group session weekly as well.
If i miss 4 group session or 4 individual session theb treatment stops.
Then the other is CAT - not much was spoken about that but it would look at my relationships
So after I had my assessment the therpaist took my case to their MDT meeting to see what they could offer me.
At about 3:20pm I received a call from them therapist with the decided outcome of the assessment.
So i have been but on their DBT waitlist which is 6months to a year long. Because their is an extensive waitlist he mentioned how I will receive wellbeing calls about every 6 weeks or so just to see how things are.
It was mentioned how yes the waitlist is close to a year long there could be a chance to be seen earlier around 6 months. But not to get hopes up just to think about the waitlist being a year long
Do yeah that's that.
Despite this I still contacted SHOUT at about 4pm who were no help so yeah waiting a year will be fun
firstly, i am so so proud of you for attending the assessment! how are you feeling now since its been a few days since?
it sounds like such an intense and emotionally draining assessment, and i really want to acknowledge how much strength it took for you to go through that and be as open as you were - that is not easy, especially when it means digging into things youâve kept bottled up for so long.
iâm sorry the outcome is a year long wait, that feels like forever, especially when youâre struggling and need support now - i know it is dependent on where you live etc but i was told in after an assessment in september 2024 i would have to wait approximately 3.5 years before i would see a psychologist, that felt like a lifetime away for sure, but in november 2024 i ended up getting a letter telling me to book my first session - i know it doesnât work out that way all the time, but there is a little tiny chance it might be sooner! it is so frustrating when youâve done everything right, showed up, opened up, gave them all the hard truths, and the system still makes you wait. i hope the wellbeing calls do bring some form of check-in comfort, even if itâs not what you truly need. how are you feeling about the idea of dbt? if youâre comfy sharing of course.
itâs totally understandable that you reached out to shout after all that, even if they werenât helpful, you were trying to take care of yourself in that moment, and that matters. i am proud of you for reaching out at all - i hope youâre proud of yourself too!
youâve got this, i believe in you
Im feeling slightly better, still just riding the roller coaster of life đ˘. Everyone that ive spoken to or mentioned too are pleased that im getting that part of me figured out, they are aware bit shocked of the waiting time, but those at work are being supportive and checking in with me right now.
Yeah it is a shame on the waiting time but I thinks it's down to that CEDT work with various mental health issues - like they dont just focus on one area; not like the eating disorder team I saw.
I was told to keep in mind that - yes the waitlist is a year long it has been known for people to be seen after 6 months, so I guess that's something.
Fingers crossed the wellbeing calls go okay, I just dont want to be repeating the same things each time or lying to them because im scared to really tell them out of fear of invalidation (my therapist basically did this during our calls/sessions at the time)
Im unsure how i feel about DBT. Like theyve said that's the better option if I didnt find CBT too helpful. The only thing I'm not liking is the whole idea of group therapy sessions for 2hrs a week. I have mentioned how I dont like group and will hide in the background so idk what's going to happen at that point.
Tbh I'm just scared it's going to be the same experience as CBT and im just going to not think it's helping (but make out like it is helping), then I'm also anxious about if it's going to be face-to-face individual therapy - i feel if it's face-to-face its going to give more anxiety because they pick up more on my body language but also im not sure where it would be too as their address is basically in the middle of nowhere. They also haven't said anything about if they think "i'm at risk" ect so I kinda what to clarify that this time round in therapy. There is also the fact ive been told it is almost a year long treatment plan- which kinda terrifies me and the whole process of if I miss any sessions (because I use to just phone my ED therapist saying I wasnt well just so I didnt have to go to the session).
The only possitve I have that kinda relieves the anxiety is that i have been given a breif outline of what it's going to look like: in the sense of how long, the topics, plan etc.
I guess i was "looking after" myself by contacting Shout but I just feel like i shouldn't have becuase i felt like I wasted their time. Then the fact they found out I had my assessment and they couldn't careless they wanted to get rid of me. Like I didn't even confirm I felt safe/okay before they ended the chat nor did we really do a plan of safety (because i had the necessary resources and contacted them too much essentially). But yeah not going to say anything else about Shout - everyone had different experiences.
Thank you for your response and your belief in me â¤ď¸ i truely appreciate it
You mentioned how the assessor look time to explore your feelings leading up to the assessment, spoke with you about your family dynamics, and explored your relationships and the theme of trust too. I hear also that they asked about your experience with suicidal feelings and self-harm, and during this part of the appointment you could feel yourself starting to withdraw and become fidgetty. That is so valid, Lottie, and it sounds hard.
I see that the assessor then let you know that the team had felt a 24 week course of DBT may be helpful, including 1:1 and group therapy, as well as wellbeing checks each 6 weeks. It sounds really reassuring to have recieved some information about exactly what this course will cover and to get an outline, because I can imagine it feeling really daunting not to know. Waiting between 6 months to a year also sounds really tough, and I wanted to ask whether you know when you'll recieve the first wellbeing call, or whether that's maybe taken place?
I hear how you have some mixed feelings about DBT (esspecially after CBT which felt unhelpful for you), and particularly the group-work aspects. Again, that is so valid, Lottie, and I can imagine its really tough when you're in this place of limbo right now waiting. You've been doing so well to be talking about this and to open up to your assessor as you did. I can imagine that might not have felt easy at all. What kinds of questions would you say you have about how DBT at this stage?
If helpful, I'll share below a few resources around DBT here:
https://www.humber.nhs.uk/media/5zmdkv0q/mind-dbt-leaflet.pdf
https://www.mind.org.uk/media/6816/dbt-2020-pdf-version.pdf
How have things been feeling more lately day-to-day? We're here and we're listening if you'd like to share.
I haven't been doing great at all over the last few weeks but hayho I'm â¨ď¸Thriving â¨ď¸đŤ
Yeah leading up to it it was alot of anxiety just coz it was different to all the rest of the assessments I've had. Just going and finding a private space I could have the assessment in was enough to worry about.
yeah he did breifly look at the feelings leading up to the assessment. We focused on my general feelings and what I feel, as well as my relationships particularly the trust part. I did start to withdraw at that point when he wanted to talk about the recentness of each of these things, good thing was we didn't talk too much about it.
Yeah so it would be 48 weeks in total on a 24 week rolling schedule with the wellbeing checks happening every 6 weeks till I get the support of therapy etc.
The first wellbeing call hasn't happened yet if it's from when my assessment was it would be expected the 1st week of June but idk.
I dint have any questions about DBT yet.
well day to day is very hit and miss. But majority of the time has been a struggle as of lately but that doesnt matter
So i was really anxious about the wellbeing calls as they hadn't told me a rough time of when it but I worked it out to be around the 1st week of june as that would be 6weeks since my assessment. Well turns out they waited like 8 weeks as I received the call on 20th instead (this does make it 6 weeks since the mix report me over my safety/risk as that was around May 3rd).
I was more worried having it that day as I was about to leave work but had to sort out a delivery and take that to the relevant departments, so when the call happened I was sat in my car but couldn't wind the windows down as when I turn the engine on my phone connects to the car and I didnt want anyone at work (mainly the office as that the building i was parked outside of) to hear what was being said - so I just baked in the heat of my car.
The call went well only last 10 minutes, we discussed like the reason for them, how I was feeling that day and whats been going on lately. This is what i mentioned:
- had a mini panic attack at work - told them I wasn't sure why but I do know why
had a falling out with 2 people i work with and i felt everything was my fault and then they turnt round and said i dont care about others feelings when that is all i do - because i wont open up to anyone about the chaos in my head in the fear ill hurt them
- mentioned that ive had a significant relapse in my self harm (sometimes badly) so we discussed that a bit, the how I do it, if anyone knows and do I need medical attention for any of them.
- spoke about how begining of may i had a call with the ambulance service and then their clinician because they had a 3rd party (the mix) report through regarding my safety. The lady asked what happened and about the thoughts.
- I told her I didnt want to mention any of this because i didnt feel I needed help
- she sugegst i start journalling as it will help when i comes to DBT later on. Im apprehensive as everytime ive done this my siblings have read it or ive sone it online and been reported so idk i start journalling again
Because of what i mentioned she said she'd have to make a note of it which i dont like because thats four times ive had an ambulance contacted Because of my safety - but only 1 ever came Because I had no control over that - and it just shows i waste their time, them just basically filling out a triage form and then telling my GP of CMHT.I've worked out that given the time its taken for this one my next one could be anywhere from the 1st to the 15th of August. Idk what id tell them because im still in the mind that I dont need the help.
My Boyfriend is adamant that im staying on the waitlist for help because I would have waited 8+ months for it and to turn it down at the last minute would be awful because what if i do need it but cancel - he under the impression i do need it and should keep at it. Hes more worried that im going to permanently leave the world or im going to do irreversible damage to myself. I feel ive let him down with the amount of self harm ive done - he cried the other night because he feels useless that he cant help me and was just thinking about what I had done
Anyways whilst waiting I have had 4 sessions of counselling with kellys heros but have cancelled that now I have my final session on the 9th because I dont need it. I have also started an online DBT trauma course book thing so I can get a head start on therapy (maybe then i can cancel it).
Anyways thats my update (didn't realise it would be this long of an update )
thank you for sharing all of that, i know itâs not easy to open up like that, and i really appreciate you trusting us with it!
it sounds like things have been incredibly heavy lately, and Iâm iâm sorry youâve been carrying so much. iâm glad the wellbeing call went okay, even though the timing and situation werenât ideal. please donât feel like youâre a burden for needing help, youâre not. you deserve support, even when your mind tries to tell you otherwise!
i can really see how much you care, especially about your boyfriend, and itâs clear he cares deeply about you too. you havenât let anyone down, youâre doing your best in an unbelievably hard place. i hope you keep holding on to the support youâve got lined up, even if part of you wants to push it away - you are so worth the help.
we are always here for you
It sounds so anxiety-inducing leading up to the wellbeing call, and then when it did happen, a lot was covered during those 10 minuets. How did that leave you feeling to talk through each of those points? I can imagine it might have been daunting and taken courage to share in that way, and I know you were nervous about people overhearing. Sharing those points seems like such a positive step, Lottie.
You mentioned a few times how you still feel at times that you don't need or want any further help, and you're doing really well to share about this. It sounds like a feeling of push-and-pull maybe? Sometimes wanting that help, and then at other times wondering if you 'need' it? That part of you deserves to be listened to and understood, and I hear you saying that you also stopped your counselling with Kelly's Heroes too. How did the wellbeing caller respond when you mentioned not feeling like you need help?
Thank you for sharing this, Lottie. That sounds so hard and conflicting too - wanting to open up to him, but then seeing him getting upset or blaming himself when you do. It sounds like you feel a lot of care towards him, and I get the sense you carry quite a lot of guilt, fearing that you're letting him down for struggling. I can imagine that feeling like such a bind, because maybe the SH urges or SI thoughts can feel a bit outside your control sometimes. Would that be fair to say?
You mentioned that your MH team said these dynamics of self-blame or wanting to retreat might be connected to your mental health right now and that DBT will help you with this. That sounds positive, Lottie, and I really hear you getting curious about your feelings. How is that online trauma DBT programme feeling so far?
When it comes to journalling and the struggle to find privacy doing that, I wonder if the following App could be an option for you? It has a journalling section which could maybe feel a bit more private:
It qas rather anxiety inducing and I didnt want to talk about alot of it, I jsut wanted to make out i was fine and didnt need anyone. I didn't like talking about it but I knew it kinda had too but I struggle to do that anyways.
yeah it does, people keep pushing me towards getting support and then i get somewhere with it then pull aways because I dont feel I need it, deserve it or im just wasting time. I never told the wellbeing caller that I didnt want it, just coz i dont know how they'd respond like my head jsut says they will tell me "im a waste of time"," why didnt you say anything at the assessment" and things like that.
this would all be fair to say, like he will ask me why I did and what caused it but my answer is always I dont know and then he feels like i wont talk to him etc and he feels more useless - but I jsut cant put words to it, it just happens. Then he overthinks and I overthink and I yeah i try pushing him away because I always hurt people and I dont want to hurt him.
The online dbt is okay, its mainly just worksheets that you then submit and it will tell you what you can do to help. I dont tend to submit it just do the worksheets.
I will have a look into that app thank you