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I don’t know…
River
Community Connector Posts: 4,513 The Mix Elder
TW// mentions of medical, self harm, suicidal thoughts, college, medical injury
Medical (health)
So as people are aware I recently went to the doctors about some symptoms and found out I am anemic and temporarily infirtile and I was placed on folic acid tablets and iron tablets however i started having a reaction to the folic acid ones - throwing up daily, extremely dizzy, tingling tongue. So I reached out to the doctors and a nurse phoned me and basically said that it can’t be the folic acid because no one reacts to that 🙄 so she ended up saying to stop those tablets for this week and only take the iron ones and Tuesday and Wednesday was a bit rocky probably cos the meds will have still been in my system but now what to my surprise I’m completely fine, just have migraines but I think that’s due to being anemic so that call back from the doctors will be fun!
Medical injury
So some will remember awhile ago when I got a concussion and I found out I had radiculopathy in my spine (a wonky spine at the top) and I was told it would heal and it did and then I started aerial and then a couple of weeks ago I learnt a new move and hurt my neck In the moment and had to stop that move and finish the session and the pain went but my spine is back wonky and it doesn’t hurt or anything so I haven’t mentioned it to doctors because I feel like I’m wasting there time especially with not being in pain but since the head/neck injury from the concussion I’ve been getting sudden sharp/ cold flashes of pain in my neck randomly if I move to fast or at a weird angle.
Medical for self harm
I relapsed a couple of days ago in 2 places, I don’t want to trigger, I showed Janis at college and she has been bandaging them up and today she unbandaged them because they was feeling weird and cleaned them and I’ve noticed something else wrong (not an infection) and scared to book into the doctors tomorrow because it’s humiliating I’ve never had to reach out to professionals for self harm and it’s been 7 years since I first started to self harm…I feel stupid
Suicidal thoughts
I’ve been having passive suicidal thoughts and there not active at least not all the time but I’ve never been close to acting on them at least recently anyway but some days I just want to scream and shout for the pain to go like I can’t fully open up to anyone. I can’t vent when I’m at rock bottom but I’m just so tired…I feel like I have no way out anymore, I have 3 weeks left of support from Emma and then I’ll never see her again 💔 outside of college I have basically nothing other than support every 4-5 weeks which is so long, helplines are honestly the worse and I will never use them ever again, I’ll be long gone before I retry them tbh.
college
Im so scared about transferring colleges, there’s a student day on the 20th and I’m so scared I don’t want to go alone at all. I have my college interviews on Monday too. If I get in I can do art but i don’t know I doubt I will get in due to mental health. I applied for an apprenticeship at my current college and both times my application conveniently kept going “missing” they don’t want me there at all!
Medical (health)
So as people are aware I recently went to the doctors about some symptoms and found out I am anemic and temporarily infirtile and I was placed on folic acid tablets and iron tablets however i started having a reaction to the folic acid ones - throwing up daily, extremely dizzy, tingling tongue. So I reached out to the doctors and a nurse phoned me and basically said that it can’t be the folic acid because no one reacts to that 🙄 so she ended up saying to stop those tablets for this week and only take the iron ones and Tuesday and Wednesday was a bit rocky probably cos the meds will have still been in my system but now what to my surprise I’m completely fine, just have migraines but I think that’s due to being anemic so that call back from the doctors will be fun!
Medical injury
So some will remember awhile ago when I got a concussion and I found out I had radiculopathy in my spine (a wonky spine at the top) and I was told it would heal and it did and then I started aerial and then a couple of weeks ago I learnt a new move and hurt my neck In the moment and had to stop that move and finish the session and the pain went but my spine is back wonky and it doesn’t hurt or anything so I haven’t mentioned it to doctors because I feel like I’m wasting there time especially with not being in pain but since the head/neck injury from the concussion I’ve been getting sudden sharp/ cold flashes of pain in my neck randomly if I move to fast or at a weird angle.
Medical for self harm
I relapsed a couple of days ago in 2 places, I don’t want to trigger, I showed Janis at college and she has been bandaging them up and today she unbandaged them because they was feeling weird and cleaned them and I’ve noticed something else wrong (not an infection) and scared to book into the doctors tomorrow because it’s humiliating I’ve never had to reach out to professionals for self harm and it’s been 7 years since I first started to self harm…I feel stupid
Suicidal thoughts
I’ve been having passive suicidal thoughts and there not active at least not all the time but I’ve never been close to acting on them at least recently anyway but some days I just want to scream and shout for the pain to go like I can’t fully open up to anyone. I can’t vent when I’m at rock bottom but I’m just so tired…I feel like I have no way out anymore, I have 3 weeks left of support from Emma and then I’ll never see her again 💔 outside of college I have basically nothing other than support every 4-5 weeks which is so long, helplines are honestly the worse and I will never use them ever again, I’ll be long gone before I retry them tbh.
college
Im so scared about transferring colleges, there’s a student day on the 20th and I’m so scared I don’t want to go alone at all. I have my college interviews on Monday too. If I get in I can do art but i don’t know I doubt I will get in due to mental health. I applied for an apprenticeship at my current college and both times my application conveniently kept going “missing” they don’t want me there at all!
Sometimes when the people most like you don't love you, it is a hurt that can cause the greatest pain, and this pain can lead you to hate everything.
5
Comments
I totally understand all that @Rose113
1. Medical staff sometimes just don't seem to understand that everyone is literally different and people's bodies react to things differently. I am glad you have gotten better since you have stopped taking it and I hope they listen to you about that.
Self harm isn't stupid, it is what your body is using as a coping strategy, it isn’t your fault that your doing that, your mind is struggling and the only way your brain feels it can get the relief is to take that pain in a physical form. I have been through it before. Healing takes time for everyone. Maybe you could try out a fidget toy or something like that, you can get ones that have spiky textures so it may get that feeling like you do when SH but it not actually doing any damage to your body.
As for your Suicidal thoughts I am so sorry you have been getting them, they are really hard to manage and can be a really scary thought to be having. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, so try not to be so hard on yourself.
There isn't much support in the uk and when there is the waiting lists are super long, it is actually ridiculous. I have had Suicidal thoughts before I suffered from them for about 6 years. Opening up is really tricky so I understand why your feeling unable to do that. If you want to scream and shout you can!, it may actually be a good way of releasing some feelings from your body and help your mind a little bit. Also loosing that support that you have been having can be very scary. But honestly you really don't deserve to be having those thoughts I know they are hard and feel like the only way out of your pain, but things get better even though it may not seem that way right now.
Transferring to a new college can feel really scary, as it's all new people and a whole new environment to get used to. It's normal to feel scared about it, most people who go to new places find it scary at first. Your not alone with that. Art is such a lovely thing to do. I hope you do get in. They may want to do risk assessments and things to make sure it is safe for your to be there regarding to you mental health, so if they don't let you in that just shows they are looking out for you and may find that it may not be the right thing for you right now and that's totally okay. But if you do get in, the art you do may actually be beneficial for you mental health.
I am here for you Rose