[TW//]I think I’m just done trying.

Lottie5433

Deleted please ignore me !

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Self-Harm

Mental Health

suicidal feelings

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Leyla

Hi Lottie,

I know you've deleted the content of this post and asked for us to ignore it, but we wanted to acknowledge that we see that maybe you had something on your mind, and perhaps a part of you wanted to reach out, but there was some inner conflict which led you to delete it. We 100% respect your boundaries of what you wish to share, but if you did wish to talk further on this thread, then we and the rest of The Mix Community are one hundred percent here for you!

Lottie5433

I did have something on my mind @Leyla , but i just couldn't keep it up.
The inner voice told me to take it down, but i physically coildnt take it down so I deleted the content so no one could see what i said.
No I dont need anyone I can just be ignored, tking up too much space

Sian321

Just want to acknowlegde how hard that conflict with that inner voice is, Lottie. And there's no pressure at all from our side. You belong here within Community just as much as every other member. And even if you went to delete the post afterwards, the fact that you initially reached out and posted it feels significant. Sending lots of care

Lottie5433

@Sian321 Tbh I deleted it coz most likely it would have raised some concern and I can't be dealing with anymore of that this week

Lottie5433

This is what i initally posted but got paranoid/scared of what would be said so got rid of it. But I'm going to put it in a spoiler coz it might trigger some people and I dont really want that.

Reaching out for mental health support has become more exhausting than helpful. I’ve tried the helplines. The professionals. The appointments. The meds. The “non-judgmental” chats. And yet… I feel more unheard, more frustrated, and more hollow than ever.

How am I supposed to keep trying when I get told, “We aren’t the service for you,” or “Call us back if you feel unsafe”? What’s the point in reaching out when it feels like I’m just repeating myself to people who either can’t or won’t help in a way that actually reaches me?

I lie to the people who say they care because the truth feels like too much—for me and for them. I’m tired of putting in the effort only to be met with empty reassurances and protocols that feel more like red tape than real care.

So I think I’m done. Done reaching out. Done trying to be “helped.” Done showing the broken parts. I’ll cancel the appointments. Stop the meds. Pull the mask back on and fake my way through life again, no matter how exhausting that act is.

I don’t want to be a burden. I just want the noise to stop

Lottie5433

Ive actually given up with reaching out to helplines now.
Just going to cut everyone out clearly im an inconvenience and not worth anyones time.

Why do I even reach out at this point if I get the same response each and everytime. No judgemental services dont even care anymore, crisis text dont care and just abandoned chat after a short time. So is there any point anymore

roku767

If helplines or crisis services haven’t been helpful, it might be worth looking into other options. Some services offer more personalized support or different ways of reaching out, like local face-to-face support groups, peer support networks, or even online forums with a smaller, more consistent group of people.

Sian321

Hi @Lottie5433 , firstly, thank you so much for sharing what you have through the Spolier. I recognise that you were really hesitant to share that, and it might have taken a lot of courage to do so.

Within that message, you have raised so many valid and powerful points. What really sticks with me is that sense of being met again and again and again by people saying, 'This isn't the place for you,' 'Call us back when you're unsafe', and how 'care' simply feels like 'red tape' - people following empty protocol in a non-relational way. Something about that feels really empty. Clinical and cold? And that sounds extreamly dissapointing at a time when you're trying to come to someone with your humanity and vulnerability and to dare to let them in. I really hear it when you say that it feels like the care doesn't actually reach you. It doesn't feel like true and genuine contact in the ways you're needing. That is so valid, and thank you for taking the leap in sharing this with us.

What I'm hearing you say is that you're wanting support that feels far more relational than transactional - would that be fair to say? Support with someone who is really taking that time to get to know you, to be curious about your experience, and to listen rather than telling you?

I know you've mentioned certain Nurses in the past who have been kind and taken more time to properly meet with you. Would that be fair to say? I wonder too whether your upcoming assessment could help unlock this also - some more 1:1 support that feels longer term and more relational, giving you time to really build a connection gradually and at a pace that feels safe?

Just want to say that I hear you, Lottie, everything you've shared is so valid, and I hear just how exhausting it has been to continuously reach out without feeling fully 'met'.

Invisible_me

Lottie5433 wrote: »

Ive actually given up with reaching out to helplines now.
Just going to cut everyone out clearly im an inconvenience and not worth anyones time.

Why do I even reach out at this point if I get the same response each and everytime. No judgemental services dont even care anymore, crisis text dont care and just abandoned chat after a short time. So is there any point anymore

Hey @Lottie5433,

I really do hear you and literally I can completely understand wgere you are coming from. People say they are there for you, want to support you etc but then wheb you tell them, reach out to them they just turn you away, turn away from you to quickly or just "flip" their behaviour! But somewhere ,@Lottie5433 there will be someone who does care and help you and that's what you need to find and hold onto.

Helplines like ahout aren't working for you, fine, don't use them then, there'd other services you can use. Personally, I find Payprus/hopelineuk more helpful and quicker at responding than shout (I've had emails back within in an hour.) Shout took 6hrs. Can you try them? Childline are also there 24/7 if your under 19, over 19 there's samaritans.
I know your saying you'll shut away and it's exhausting reaching out for support but your doing well in reaching out- you wrnt to thsyt nurse appt and you didby want to you've got mh team apot coming so try that as well. Its not fair we hsve to struggle so much to get support but at same time continuing like the way you are with your struggles is also tiring, exhausting and literally not sustainable that while the ride is difficult it's worth fighting through these struggles and engaging with any support.

Lottie5433

Hi @Sian321
I was really resistant in posting it, i don't think it took too much courage to do this because in all honesty I was too 'with it' when I decided to do it

i had a lapse in judgement and was not really with sound mind and did not choose a healthy way to cope or deal with anything 😔 oops

What really sticks with me is that sense of being met again and again and again by people saying, 'This isn't the place for you,' 'Call us back when you're unsafe', and how 'care' simply feels like 'red tape' - people following empty protocol in a non-relational way. Something about that feels really empty. Clinical and cold?

Yeah it does seem like that or that they just couldn't careless or give a crap about anything, all they want to do it end the conversation. It gets to it where I can anticipate the conversation just by the words they use and I just end up say "I'm fine, I'll leave now. I'm just being an inconvenience" there's only be 1 time, in the last week that ive been contacting crisis everyday pracrically, where they told me I wasn't an inconvenience and that they wanted to carry on talking to me if it helps, all the rest said "okay contact us again if you are unsafe, or 999/111 if you are at risk/in danger"

What I'm hearing you say is that you're wanting support that feels far more relational than transactional - would that be fair to say? Support with someone who is really taking that time to get to know you, to be curious about your experience, and to listen rather than telling you?

Im not really sure what im wanting out of support. Like i guess I would want more relational so they can get to know me and the ins and outs of my life (to an extent) and listen than almost them dominating the conversation and just being selective about what they hear and then telling me what I should be doing - like I know what i should be doing it just don't know how to do it, that's why I'm here

I know you've mentioned certain Nurses in the past who have been kind and taken more time to properly meet with you. Would that be fair to say? I wonder too whether your upcoming assessment could help unlock this also - some more 1:1 support that feels longer term and more relational, giving you time to really build a connection gradually and at a pace that feels safe?

well one nurse has taken the time to listen to me and meet me with where i feel comfortable with what im sharing. The up coming assessment may open up 1:1 support but they said it could be mo ths before I get anything like therapy etc and could be as a group (feeling off about this and don't want that really 😕) I'm hoping it's better 1:1 support than my ED support - i do feel it would help me more if I could build that relationship and connection to a point where sharing feels more natural and like i don't have to hide it away and be ashamed of anything.

I am scared for this assessment on Tuesday though - like I don't know how much they know but also how honest do I be?

do I tell them I've had so many relapses with my SH recently
Do I mention how suicidal ive been
Do I bring up the medication, my past
Like idk how this assessment works and non of their NHS pages help with what they will ask or talk about.
At least with the ED assessment I kinda knew what would be spoken about but they also gave me information to look over before the assessment.

Sian321

Hey @Lottie5433 , how are you this afternoon? Thank you for this post.

You mentioned that you wern't in 'sound mind' when you sent your previous reply, and I wanted to check in to ask how physically safe you're feeling today following this?

- like I know what i should be doing it just don't know how to do it, that's why I'm here

This feels really significant - being told what to do is feeling really unhelpful because you already know what kind of things might be helpful, but it's hard to know how to do them or what makes doing them hard. I hear you, Lottie, and this is so valid.

Would it feel helpful to give an example of something you feel you 'should' be doing but you're not sure how?

Thank you for sharing your feelings about the upcoming assessment on Tuesday too. I can hear how anxiety-inducing and vulnerable it is, and you're feeling really unsure about how much you want to share. That is absolutely valid, and you are ultimately in full control of what you choose to share in that room and what feels comfortable on the day. At the same time, I wonder whether the more information your healthcare team have, the more they're able to understand just how much you've been going through, Lottie, and to open up doors to support that feels more meaningful and relevant?

It can feel so, so daunting - I hear you. And at the same time, I'd like to acknowledge how you have been sharing here, which also takes so much courage! You've been so brave, Lottie, and you deserve to be met with so much kindness and understanding and to not have to carry all of this on your own.

I know you've mentioned in the past how opening up can feel a bit like letting go of control, and perhaps there might be aspects of that on Tuesday - of feeling frightened and it feeling like you're letting go control. And at the same time, I wonder if the other 'side' of letting go some control might be allowing that support in - letting others reach you a bit more and carving the way for that kind of support that you described where someone might be able to take time to really get to know you (at your own pace) and to listen.

No matter what happens in that appointment, we support you and we're here without judgement. We'll be here on Boards, Chats, and Threads to talk, and these things will stay the same.

You're doing so well, and thank you again for trusting us in sharing this.

Lottie5433

Invisible_me wrote: »

Lottie5433 wrote: »

Ive actually given up with reaching out to helplines now.
Just going to cut everyone out clearly im an inconvenience and not worth anyones time.

Why do I even reach out at this point if I get the same response each and everytime. No judgemental services dont even care anymore, crisis text dont care and just abandoned chat after a short time. So is there any point anymore

Hey @Lottie5433,

I really do hear you and literally I can completely understand wgere you are coming from. People say they are there for you, want to support you etc but then wheb you tell them, reach out to them they just turn you away, turn away from you to quickly or just "flip" their behaviour! But somewhere ,@Lottie5433 there will be someone who does care and help you and that's what you need to find and hold onto.

Helplines like ahout aren't working for you, fine, don't use them then, there'd other services you can use. Personally, I find Payprus/hopelineuk more helpful and quicker at responding than shout (I've had emails back within in an hour.) Shout took 6hrs. Can you try them? Childline are also there 24/7 if your under 19, over 19 there's samaritans.
I know your saying you'll shut away and it's exhausting reaching out for support but your doing well in reaching out- you wrnt to thsyt nurse appt and you didby want to you've got mh team apot coming so try that as well. Its not fair we hsve to struggle so much to get support but at same time continuing like the way you are with your struggles is also tiring, exhausting and literally not sustainable that while the ride is difficult it's worth fighting through these struggles and engaging with any support.

Hi @Invisible_me
I dont think there is anyone out there that care or wants to help me - which Is fine i expect that now.

I've tried papyrus and they basically tell me they can't support me anymore over chat/email it's best if I call them but that is so anxiety inducing that I'd rather fight the crisis on my own. Unfortunately I'm too old for childline now, I have used samaritains but more recently they don't care and seem more judgemental. Like in the last week of being in a crisis daily there was only one occassion that I felt they helped slightly which was Friday evening at like 11pm on webchat. They ideally wanted to phone me as chat was closing but I turned that down; but that person didn't make me feel like I was being judged or that they were just trying to get rid of me.
I get that i did go to the nurse appointment and have the mental health appointment coming up but it just feels like it will go nowhere.
Thanks for the rely

Lottie5433

Hi @Sian321 I'm fine this afternoon been at work again doing more Easter activities whilst our pool is out of action.

Umm I physically feel safe for the moment but tbh I can feel my mind slowly tiring from holding back the thoughts today 😒, mentally idk how safe i am right now

Would it feel helpful to give an example of something you feel you 'should' be doing but you're not sure how?

ive been told I should be incorporating more self care into my daily activities but I just feel I don't have time for this but also i don't even know what to do as self care. Like my Kooth worker told me self care could just be taking my meds as planned - but I view that as more of a 'compulsory' task to do

although I don't take them right now and awaiting my next prescription, despite having about 1 1/2 months of them at the moment

Thank you for sharing your feelings about the upcoming assessment on Tuesday too. I can hear how anxiety-inducing and vulnerable it is, and you're feeling really unsure about how much you want to share. That is absolutely valid, and you are ultimately in full control of what you choose to share in that room and what feels comfortable on the day. At the same time, I wonder whether the more information your healthcare team have, the more they're able to understand just how much you've been going through, Lottie, and to open up doors to support that feels more meaningful and relevant?

It is feeling really anxiety inducing like I already have things going on with my heart right now (ED related) but this whole appointment has caused them to feel a whole lot worse. Alongside this ive been having alot of anxiety attacks I guess because of all this and i just don't want to attend. The only good thing is it's in my bedroom as its online due to convenience and the fact the assessment centre/people are about 1.5 hours away. So it might make it slightly easier- even easier if i can do it at work whilst we are shut and then distract myself and go back to work after (spoke to AGM about potentially doing this). I dont want the healthcare team to have too much info right now because for the last week I would have been seen as 'at risk' but I also dont want them to know the full extent of what im going through because that feels too much to say too quickly. I get that the support might be/feel more meaningful and relevant but also feels too much to even attempt to say anything to them 😕

No matter what happens in that appointment, we support you and we're here without judgement. We'll be here on Boards, Chats, and Threads to talk, and these things will stay the same.

Yeah i guess so, i should be in circle that evening but at the moment I feel like it might be my last chat or mybe that week but idk I'll see what happens during the week ~ if it's a repeat of this week idk if i will return to anything on hear etc.

Invisible_me

Lottie5433 wrote: »

Invisible_me wrote: »

Lottie5433 wrote: »

Ive actually given up with reaching out to helplines now.
Just going to cut everyone out clearly im an inconvenience and not worth anyones time.

Why do I even reach out at this point if I get the same response each and everytime. No judgemental services dont even care anymore, crisis text dont care and just abandoned chat after a short time. So is there any point anymore

Hey @Lottie5433,

I really do hear you and literally I can completely understand wgere you are coming from. People say they are there for you, want to support you etc but then wheb you tell them, reach out to them they just turn you away, turn away from you to quickly or just "flip" their behaviour! But somewhere ,@Lottie5433 there will be someone who does care and help you and that's what you need to find and hold onto.

Helplines like ahout aren't working for you, fine, don't use them then, there'd other services you can use. Personally, I find Payprus/hopelineuk more helpful and quicker at responding than shout (I've had emails back within in an hour.) Shout took 6hrs. Can you try them? Childline are also there 24/7 if your under 19, over 19 there's samaritans.
I know your saying you'll shut away and it's exhausting reaching out for support but your doing well in reaching out- you wrnt to thsyt nurse appt and you didby want to you've got mh team apot coming so try that as well. Its not fair we hsve to struggle so much to get support but at same time continuing like the way you are with your struggles is also tiring, exhausting and literally not sustainable that while the ride is difficult it's worth fighting through these struggles and engaging with any support.

Hi @Invisible_me
I dont think there is anyone out there that care or wants to help me - which Is fine i expect that now.

I've tried papyrus and they basically tell me they can't support me anymore over chat/email it's best if I call them but that is so anxiety inducing that I'd rather fight the crisis on my own. Unfortunately I'm too old for childline now, I have used samaritains but more recently they don't care and seem more judgemental. Like in the last week of being in a crisis daily there was only one occassion that I felt they helped slightly which was Friday evening at like 11pm on webchat. They ideally wanted to phone me as chat was closing but I turned that down; but that person didn't make me feel like I was being judged or that they were just trying to get rid of me.
I get that i did go to the nurse appointment and have the mental health appointment coming up but it just feels like it will go nowhere.
Thanks for the rely

Hi @Lottie5433
I get what you mean.

We want to help you ans we care for you! We all want the best for you and for you to get the support that you need and deserve. It's difficult when you feel like you dony deserve it but uoy do and uts not fair your having to work so hard to get the support you need.
Phoning is hard and these helplines shouldn't be putting the pressure on you to phone them they should understand calling is hard have you tried telling them calling them ist an option for you .
Try and kerp reaching out.

I understand how anxious are you are feeling about Tuesday and uts completely fair and understandable you don't feel ablw to tell them everything all in one go. That's a lot! You need to be able to gage them, trust them In order to share certain stuff so it's absolutely fine if you can't share everything. No ones putting that pressure on you. Take it at your pace.