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I have been struggling again
Past User
Posts: 0 Just got here
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What I'm hearing you say is that a friend within the group had sent you a comment saying 'chin-up' following a disagreement, which ultimately felt invalidating and perhaps triviliasing of your feelings. Off the back of this, you had then explained to your friends how this 'chin up' comment impacted you, and you wished for your friend to acknowledge your feelings here. Instead though, it sounds as though your friend focused on trying to explain / justify what she had intended when she said 'chin up' (to make you feel happier), and again, this left you feeling like your emotions had gone unheard again, because while you understood she had wanted to help you feel happier, the comment had in fact had the opposite effect. Have I been following correctly here?
And then, your friends excluded you from the group and this felt deeply, deeply hurtful. I hear you, @Creativeboy23 , and it sounds really confusing and lonely too to be cut off from the group when in actuality what you'd really been wanting was more closeness and understanding from them around your feelings. You didn't intend to make your friend feel guilty, or to make anyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells. Rather, you had been trying to ask them to listen closely to your feelings and to hear you and to empathise. That makes sense.
Then finally, what I'm hearing you say is that your friends have asked you to return to the group, but to avoid using phrases with them like "That comment was not helpful" or "You're not validating my feelings." Because you remembered what your crisis intervention worker mentioned, you then decided to compromise and agreed to this, but now you're not too sure, and you're worried that you might be in situations in the future where you feel like you have to appologise for your own emotions. That sounds really tricky, @Creativeboy23 , and I can hear how you might feel stuck here or unsure where to go from here.
May I ask, what do you feel you'd ideally like to happen next in your situation? What would an ideal situation within your friendship group look like?
We're here and we're listening
At the same time, I really hear what you're saying too about how you were concerned that your old friends might make you feel constantly pressured to suppress your feelings, fearing they will percieve you as oversensitive. That sounds really hard and stressful, and you are absolutely correct that the responsbility for a friendship should not fall entirely onto you.
Thank you for expressing your feelings here, and we're really glad to be able to listen and to be here alongside you
i know you posted this a few days ago now though i hadn’t been on boards much recently so only seeing posts now.
it sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into this situation and have really tried to approach it with understanding and compromise. it’s completely valid to want your feelings to be acknowledged, especially when you’ve made the effort to acknowledge theirs.
from what you’re saying, it seems like the focus has been on how your words impacted them, without much recognition of how their actions, both the comment and the exclusion, affected you. that imbalance isn’t fair, and you shouldn’t have to suppress your feelings just to keep the peace. healthy friendships should allow space for everyone’s emotions, not just those of the majority.
if you feel like you’re the only one bending in this situation, is it maybe worth asking whether returning to the group would actually feel safe and supportive for you? you deserve friendships where your feelings are respected, not just tolerated.
i’m really sorry this has been so difficult, and we’re all here for you! i’m so proud of you for dealing with so much