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Please help me
user123
Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
I really need some advice please
So my bf kissed a girl while we were talking and not together yet and now we are together for a few months. My sister recently found this out and I’m so worried what she thinks. She initially said she didn’t judge at all and assured me of this but then I heard her saying to my mum that she wouldn’t like it etc so after days of worrying I talked to her about it and she said it’s because she’s been cheated on before and that I was lucky and she has trust issues and basically told me catch a grip of myself. She said making a deal of this is discrediting her situation. But I don’t care what happened with my bf I’m worried what my sister thinks. What do I take from this? I feel so distressed. I’ve had days off uni and can’t get on with my life and I have an exam next week.
So my bf kissed a girl while we were talking and not together yet and now we are together for a few months. My sister recently found this out and I’m so worried what she thinks. She initially said she didn’t judge at all and assured me of this but then I heard her saying to my mum that she wouldn’t like it etc so after days of worrying I talked to her about it and she said it’s because she’s been cheated on before and that I was lucky and she has trust issues and basically told me catch a grip of myself. She said making a deal of this is discrediting her situation. But I don’t care what happened with my bf I’m worried what my sister thinks. What do I take from this? I feel so distressed. I’ve had days off uni and can’t get on with my life and I have an exam next week.
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Comments
It sounds like it's been difficult to disentangle your sister's feelings here from your own - would that be fair to say? Your bf's decision to kiss a girl while the two of you were talking but not together has triggered some really strong feelings for her, and that's left you feeling judged - as though your lack of care about your bf's decision discredits the suffering your sister went through when she was cheated on - have I got that right?
That sounds really tough, @user123 , esspecially since it feels like these are two quite seperate situations here - you don't feel that what your bf did was wrong or hurtful, and you feel okay with it. And that is absolutely valid too. Sometimes people can tend to see our situations through the lens of their own history, and I wonder if that's what's happening here with your sister?
I wonder if there might be a way here for you to validate the pain that your sister went through and her concern about you similiarly getting hurt, while still honouring and speaking your truth about the situation? E.g. using, statements such as, 'I can hear you're feeling X, Y, Z, and that situation in the past really hurt you. From my perspective, however, I feel A, B, and C. I respect your opinion and care for me, but I need to be able to make my own decisions here and draw my own conclusions'.
How does this sound? We're all here for you, @user123 , and please let us know what happens over the next few days if you wish to. I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself because feeling judged or accused like this can be so stressful. You're doing so well to talk about this.