Controlling friend

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Alwayshope2day

@creativeboy23, I've felt in the past that I'm gentle and wished I could have been more assertive when facing a controlling person too. I then realised that I can be assertive, but in those moments, my response of just accepting what they were saying was to de-escalate and avoid causing a blow-up of tension. I acted on my thoughts and wishes later, once away from the situation.

I think you’re more assertive than you realise: you're reflecting on the situation and thinking about what you want and feel. Don't beat yourself up for not pushing your view further in the moment-these situations can be difficult to navigate! Being assertive doesn’t mean you always have the perfect thing to say right then.

Perhaps, upon reflecting, you could form a polite but firm message explaining what you're unhappy with. Helpful communication tactics for de-escalating conflict can include focusing on what they did and how it made you feel. For example, 'When you took the popcorn away from me, it felt disrespectful and like my feelings weren't being considered.' This shifts the focus from them to communicating your view in a way that doesn’t sound accusatory, and avoids filling in the blanks about why he did it.

Even reflecting on these situations, as you're doing now, is a big step toward becoming more assertive-you’re doing better than you think.

Alwayshope2day

@creativeboy123 I’ve felt in the past that I’m gentle and wished I could have been more assertive with a controlling person too. I realised that I can be assertive, but my response of accepting what they were saying actually helped de-escalate things and avoid a blow-up of tension. I acted on my thoughts and wishes later, once I was away from the situation.

I think you’re more assertive than you realise. Reflecting on the situation and thinking about what you want and feel is an important step. Don’t beat yourself up for not pushing your view further in the moment-these situations can be difficult to navigate! Being assertive doesn’t mean you always have the perfect thing to say right then.

Upon reflection, you might consider forming a polite but firm message explaining what you're unhappy with. Helpful communication tactics for de-escalating conflict include focusing on what they did and how it made you feel. For example, 'When you took the popcorn away from me, it felt disrespectful and like my feelings weren’t being considered.' This shifts the focus to your feelings without sounding accusatory or filling in the blanks about their intentions.

Even reflecting on these situations, as you’re doing now, is a big step toward becoming more assertive-you’re doing better than you think.

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Sian321

Hey @Creativeboy23 , thanks so much for your post about this. From what you've described, it sounds like such a tricky situation to be navigating, and I can really hear how powerless this friend can make you feel sometimes. I feel sad to hear how even despite your best efforts to speak up for yourself and assert your own boundaries, these were still overstepped. I can imagine that being very draining for you.

I heard you say that you're concerned this friendship might be part of a wider pattern whereby you attract people who are controlling. That sounds really hard, and I can hear just how much you're wanting to change this and carrying some self-blame, perhaps? I wonder if you'd feel comfortable sharing some more about this pattern, what you know about it, and how you imagine you might be attracting controlling people?

I really want to acknowledge and celebrate just how much effort you have been putting into advocating for yourself and speaking up when something doesn't feel right! I know personally just how anxiety-inducing it can feel to do that (it's SO scary sometimes!), and it feels like you've been trying to take care of yourself in a really beautiful way. I'm so sorry that when you did assert your boundaries and tried to share your feelings your friend became defensive. That feels really upsetting, because you were trying to be vulnerable and honest, and you deserve so much to be respected. It feels like you're investing a lot in this friendship and working hard to adjust the dynamics so they feel more balanced. Anyone would be so lucky to have a friend like you who is trying to be really honest

I hope you can be kind to yourself and show yourself grace because it can be hurtful when people we care about make us feel undermined and controlled. That's an incredibly hard position to be in.

Sending hugs,
@Creativeboy23

JMMV2005

@Creativeboy23 I’m really sorry your going through this

The fact that your friend is aggressively taking from you, trying to make you follow his plans, and getting defensive when you question him is honestly a huge red flag, he seems like he wants to use people to boost his own ego and hide his insecurities, unfortunately a lot of people choose to do that

Obviously I don’t have a 100% understanding of the situation but I think the best thing to do is either firmly explain to him that you can see he’s bullying you, or cut him out of your life, I know if someone was taking advantage of me I’d cut them out

I hope this helps

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JMMV2005

@Creativeboy23 no problem

Lucy_21

Hi @Creativeboy23 I have been in a controlling relationship before so while a bit different I feel like the same principle applies and maybe you should think about completely cutting them off if you feel they are like this as I wasn’t assertive enough to do it at first ither

Hope you’re alright good luck

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Lucy_21

Maybe that’s what you should do permanently then if you can to save yourself mentally and emotionally.

You’re welcome and thank you that’s sweet and I appreciate it a lot as it’s one of the few pictures I feel somewhat descent in

Alwayshope2day

@Creativeboy23,

I'm very sorry I made you feel invalidated and as though your feelings were dismissed. I think I more wanted to share my experience as a way of showing that you're not alone... I'm sorry it didn't help. I'm glad you're okay now you've had time away from him.

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