I need a hug

Just another one of my typical long vents...

Things have again gotten too much to cope with. I don't know what to do with it all. I feel so worthless. I'm no good for anything and the things I am good at I am no use for.
I have no friends, no job, no hobbies or passions, no talent, no energy, no health, no motivation. And I am almost certain I just failed my studies... its all just too hard. I don't understand it, I don't enjoy it anymore, and I don't think there's anything I'd ever enjoy doing instead.

Just some examples:

I want to create music, but I don't know how, I don't understand the terminologies, the effects, how to create the sounds I want, plus I don't have money for the software.

I want to play instruments, but I don't have patience to learn them, I don't know how I can get better because my body doesn't cooperate and do what I tell it to.

I want to do game dev, but I don't have the team for it, nor the skills and knowledge to do it all myself, nor do I have the ideas to make something unique that might stand out among the rest.

I can't become a professional driver (recent hyperfixation of mine), I don't have the experience, the money, nor the knowledge needed to get me there, nor any clue how I'd even attempt that.

In fact I can't do any sport, I don't have the skills or physical strength for it, I get tired just by walking down the stairs, and I don't have the motivation or the space at home to build up my stamina, nor the courage to go to the gym (or any club to begin with).

I can't even do anything like cooking, no patience for it, no experience with cooking or all the different ingredients (I can barely tell the difference between spices), not mentioning the anxiety to even just go buy the ingredients.

Just as much as I don't understand my studies, I don't understand people, I don't understand how to talk, how to socialise or fit in. I don't have a clue how to lead my life, what to do or where to go. No idea how to care for myself, how to fix my problems both mental and physical. I'm already 21 yet I have gotten nowhere.

I tried looking for any volunteering roles but there's not a single one I'd be capable of fulfilling. I either don't fit the requirements, don't understand the topic, or am too scared of going and doing something I'm very much not comfortable doing.
I tried finding social groups, some or any meet-up's, but not a single one in my area, closest is an hour away by car. I either don't fit the category (I'm not a woman in her 40s for example), or I don't want to force myself into a group I'm not at all interested in.

So far, university has been the only thing pulling me forward, giving me hope that maybe I could get somewhere after all. But even that has completely fallen apart. I'm just incapable.

I really, really want to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I can't see it. I can only hope its there.
But I'm just standing here, paralysed, unable to move forward through everything life throws at me. I can't get myself to move towards this light that seems to be getting away from me further and further no matter how fast I chase. I'm just tired, I need a break but a break is all I've ever had.

Maybe I just really need a hug, and for someone to tell me everything will be okay, and pull my hand forwards, guiding me to start moving again...
Or maybe I don't. Maybe I just need to sit down at the side and accept that this is just the life I have, this is how it's always been, and this is how it will always go. And all I can now do is cheer on every person passing by... so that they don't get to stop like me.

Thanks for reading as always

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eylah

sending you love and hugs.

AnonymousToe

You’re not worthless to us!
When do you get your results for uni? Try not to be convinced you’ve failed before you even get them. What is it that you don’t enjoy about it anymore? Do you enjoy anything? I’m just wondering if you genuinely don’t like it or if you’ve just got the numb feeling I get when nothing feels enjoyable anymore.

I think you might be autistic. Please don’t take that as an insult or anything (I’m autistic myself lol) but maybe some research into autism would make you feel a bit more… like these struggles aren’t your fault? I dont know, it helps me.

21 is not really that old, you’ve literally just finished university. You don’t need to know everything already.

Or maybe I don't. Maybe I just need to sit down at the side and accept that this is just the life I have, this is how it's always been, and this is how it will always go. And all I can now do is cheer on every person passing by... so that they don't get to stop like me.

Please don’t give up!! I also don’t know how you’re supposed to move forwards, I have no idea what I’m gonna do or how I’m gonna cope after university. I’m just trying not to think about it for the time being. But I say just do what you can. Maybe look up online how you can start to do the things you want to do. There might even be little courses that teach you things, i dont know if that would be available for free. The game development thing sounds most feasible from what you’ve said (but you can do anything you want to). How do you know you don’t have the skills and knowledge for it? Could you practice by making some simple stuff? I don’t think everyone in game development needs to be thinking of crazy ideas - the skills you do have will be valued by someone.

As for the anxiety, something I was supposed to do was gradually increase what I’m capable of. Like for example, going shopping with my mum to get used to it and how things work, then going with my younger sister so I’m not alone but also I’m not with my parents. And then hopefully I’ll be able to do it on my own soon. It’s a slow (and fairly painful) process but I think you will be able to do more things one day. Don’t give up already. You’re only just an adult.

JJLemon18

@AnonymousToe Thank you so much

it means a lot. Sorry but I'll reply properly later or another day as I have to go now (hopefully not too long tho lol)

JJLemon18

AnonymousToe wrote: »

When do you get your results for uni? Try not to be convinced you’ve failed before you even get them.

But you see, what if I don't submit the work at all... then there are no results to give. The last few courseworks were so hard for me, that I would spend hours and hours stressing over them, and in the end I'd get absolutely nowhere! Its so so frustrating that I literally gave up entirely, I just can't cope with it.

I spoke with my tutor about all this today who (not giving me a chance to say anything) strictly told me I have to get on with it and submit anything, I literally can't

the more I force myself to do it the more I ruin my mental state yet still get no progress done.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

What is it that you don’t enjoy about it anymore? Do you enjoy anything? I’m just wondering if you genuinely don’t like it or if you’ve just got the numb feeling I get when nothing feels enjoyable anymore.

I just cant see myself doing this for the rest of my life, its just too frustrating and complicated and I'm too stupid. I do enjoy it when it works tho, which is rarely or not at all. I'm am scared this this would be the case with literally anything I ever try to learn

I do enjoy making stuff, primarily games (including board games), but I also enjoy playing games even more. Same with music, I'm horrible at making it, but I really enjoy listening to it. Also I do enjoy some sports like ping pong or badminton, but I don't have the opportunity to play them, and even going to a club I won't enjoy it cause its all going to be blocked by anxiety and the fact that my body is just too weak for it and I'd just get tired too fast lol. So my brain basically tells me its not worth it.

Also I do get the numb feeling sometimes, and it could be part of this too. But I don't think its just that.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

I think you might be autistic. Please don’t take that as an insult or anything (I’m autistic myself lol) but maybe some research into autism would make you feel a bit more… like these struggles aren’t your fault? I dont know, it helps me.

The fact you specify not to take it as an 'insult' kinda upsets me xD I am very certain I'm autistic, the more I learn about it the more certain I get. I am part of the autism society at uni and they seem to be struggling a lot too, but most of them are still doing great! And much better than me. Which I am happy for them. But seems like this world just isnt made for autistics, and sometimes things just get too much and its hard to deal with it all.
Just because those struggles aren't 'my fault', doesn't mean they're not there, I still have to deal with them somehow.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

There might even be little courses that teach you things, i dont know if that would be available for free. The game development thing sounds most feasible from what you’ve said (but you can do anything you want to)

I did get myself some cheap game dev courses just to try doing as a hobby, but I don't see a world where this could be my job. But I'll see how it goes.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

How do you know you don’t have the skills and knowledge for it? Could you practice by making some simple stuff?

I made some simple stuff before, it sorta worked. But it was still simple, and the things I see people (some even younger than me) do, just feels like so much more, and I don't understand any of it. Idk maybe I just didnt put enough effort into it so I'm feeling bad for not being perfect out of nowhere, but putting the effort in the first place is just so hard.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

As for the anxiety, something I was supposed to do was gradually increase what I’m capable of. Like for example, going shopping with my mum to get used to it and how things work, then going with my younger sister so I’m not alone but also I’m not with my parents. And then hopefully I’ll be able to do it on my own soon. It’s a slow (and fairly painful) process but I think you will be able to do more things one day.

That is pretty much CBT in a nutshell haha. I paused my sessions to focus on studies but once I have them running again I know I'll put a lot more effort into it, I think I'm properly ready now. I'm pretty sure this is the best way to beat social anxiety.

How is it going for you? By the "supposed to" I'm worried its not going great...

AnonymousToe wrote: »

You’re only just an adult.

I find this sentence a little funny, I am technically an adult for over 3 and a half years haha. Also the fact I am an adult is exactly why I feel so much pressure to be doing so much more in life already.

Again, thank you so much for your reply @AnonymousToe ! I appreciate it so much

Sorry my response is so long.

AnonymousToe

JJLemon18 wrote: »

But you see, what if I don't submit the work at all... then there are no results to give. The last few courseworks were so hard for me, that I would spend hours and hours stressing over them, and in the end I'd get absolutely nowhere! It’s so so frustrating that I literally gave up entirely, I just can't cope with it.

I spoke with my tutor about all this today who (not giving me a chance to say anything) strictly told me I have to get on with it and submit anything, I literally can't the more I force myself to do it the more I ruin my mental state yet still get no progress done.

Is it not due yet? I dont know when the university year ends, sorry.
I think I get what you mean though? I went through a period of time when I just agonised over every piece of work and then I’d end up with something awful (or nothing) because I was so stressed about it - I felt like it all had to be perfect. This was GCSE English so i know not really the same 😂 but my teacher told me to just set a timer and do it, and then it’s just done when the time runs out. Maybe ask your tutor how much time is intended to be spent on them if you don’t know.

Have you considered that maybe other people found those courseworks really difficult too? Maybe they’re supposed to be hard. But it’s ok because (I very much doubt at least) you don’t need to get 100% in it to pass it. And you’re not as bad at it as you think you are. All you can do is your best. Even if it feels like you’re doing it all wrong. Something I told myself was that it ‘can’t get any worse’. I don’t mean that to say everything is a disaster. I just mean do what you can. Even if you think it’s really crap and you did it all wrong. That’s better than submitting nothing. I know it’s really hard and I feel like your tutor could’ve been nicer about it but we all just want you to do well. It’s better to submit something you think is rubbish and get 10% than to not submit anything, and I’m sure you’re better at it than you think.

JJLemon18 wrote: »

I just cant see myself doing this for the rest of my life, its just too frustrating and complicated and I'm too stupid. I do enjoy it when it works tho, which is rarely or not at all. I'm am scared this this would be the case with literally anything I ever try to learn

I do enjoy making stuff, primarily games (including board games), but I also enjoy playing games even more. Same with music, I'm horrible at making it, but I really enjoy listening to it. Also I do enjoy some sports like ping pong or badminton, but I don't have the opportunity to play them, and even going to a club I won't enjoy it cause its all going to be blocked by anxiety and the fact that my body is just too weak for it and I'd just get tired too fast lol. So my brain basically tells me its not worth it.

Also I do get the numb feeling sometimes, and it could be part of this too. But I don't think its just that.

I don’t think you’re too stupid for anything. I get you though, I suppose I feel similarly about maths. I like it when it all works out but my god is it frustrating when it doesn’t 😂 to the point that I chose not to continue with it.

You’ve said you’re horrible at making music but maybe you just haven’t had enough practice??

And as for the sports, I feel like there should be casual clubs for them, especially the two you mentioned. Maybe one day you’ll feel comfortable enough to do it, or maybe you could just give it a go anyway and see what happens. I get that you’re unlikely to enjoy it at first but maybe if you got used to it, it would be ok? But you don’t have to force yourself to do anything, I don’t think I’d feel able to do it lol.

JJLemon18 wrote: »

The fact you specify not to take it as an 'insult' kinda upsets me xD I am very certain I'm autistic, the more I learn about it the more certain I get. I am part of the autism society at uni and they seem to be struggling a lot too, but most of them are still doing great! And much better than me. Which I am happy for them. But seems like this world just isnt made for autistics, and sometimes things just get too much and its hard to deal with it all.
Just because those struggles aren't 'my fault', doesn't mean they're not there, I still have to deal with them somehow.

Aww, I’m sorry. It’s just because I didn’t take it all that well when people started telling me I might be autistic. I didn’t really know anything about it or what it meant. I guess it can just be a lot to process.
You say the people in the autism society are doing better than you, but maybe it just looks like that from the outside?
I’m sorry, I said about the fault thing because I felt better knowing that my problems were not just me. That they were something a whole load of people experience, so it must be possible to cope with.

JJLemon18 wrote: »

I made some simple stuff before, it sorta worked. But it was still simple, and the things I see people (some even younger than me) do, just feels like so much more, and I don't understand any of it. Idk maybe I just didnt put enough effort into it so I'm feeling bad for not being perfect out of nowhere, but putting the effort in the first place is just so hard.

I mean, everyone has to start somewhere. You’re not gonna be able to do the most advanced stuff right away, you have to gradually build yourself up.

JJLemon18 wrote: »

That is pretty much CBT in a nutshell haha. I paused my sessions to focus on studies but once I have them running again I know I'll put a lot more effort into it, I think I'm properly ready now. I'm pretty sure this is the best way to beat social anxiety.

How is it going for you? By the "supposed to" I'm worried its not going great...

Oh 😂 I’m not even sure who recommended it to me anymore. But I think I’ve read somewhere that CBT doesn’t always work for autistic people. 😭 Don’t give up on it though. Sometimes you have to try things to be offered any different help as well.

It’s not exactly going badly, it’s just difficult to have the motivation to force myself out into the world, I suppose lol. I can do more than I could though.

JJLemon18 wrote: »

I find this sentence a little funny, I am technically an adult for over 3 and a half years haha. Also the fact I am an adult is exactly why I feel so much pressure to be doing so much more in life already.

Exactly, that’s not very long!! I’ve been an adult for a whole year and I’ve literally done nothing. I think like the early 20s is a weird time for that kind of thing - some people have got really far, while others haven’t. In those 3 and a half years you’ve done a 3 year degree, I think? That is kind of a lot. You’ve got like 50+ years of your career (judging by the way pensions are going 😭😂) left and you’ve done 3 so far. Don’t panic!!

Anyway, sorry for the super long response to your response to my response 😂

JJLemon18

Hello, sorry for disappearing again for so long! I don't understand how I tend to find the most simplest things so difficult

Really appreciate the reply @AnonymousToe ! Sorry I forgot to say it.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

Is it not due yet? I dont know when the university year ends, sorry.

Yea sorry I was doing resits so had them in the summer. But I somehow passed now! (I have no idea how I did that lol, dont ask)

Even though my messy studies were my biggest trigger to writing this post in the first place, now that its over, my situation is still the same, nothing has really changed beside the fact I don't even need to study anymore. I don't feel any better at all. I'm still as stupid and incapable as I ever was lol.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

You’ve said you’re horrible at making music but maybe you just haven’t had enough practice??

And as for the sports, I feel like there should be casual clubs for them, especially the two you mentioned. Maybe one day you’ll feel comfortable enough to do it, or maybe you could just give it a go anyway and see what happens. I get that you’re unlikely to enjoy it at first but maybe if you got used to it, it would be ok? But you don’t have to force yourself to do anything, I don’t think I’d feel able to do it lol.

Most certainly! But I don't have the motivation to practice in the first place. I'd love to do sports but it feels like wayy too much right now. I barely have the energy to force myself to go on a 30min walk down the street, which I've done 5 days in a row before giving up, and I think the only reason I even managed that was not to upset my therapist

AnonymousToe wrote: »

Aww, I’m sorry. It’s just because I didn’t take it all that well when people started telling me I might be autistic. I didn’t really know anything about it or what it meant. I guess it can just be a lot to process.
You say the people in the autism society are doing better than you, but maybe it just looks like that from the outside?
I’m sorry, I said about the fault thing because I felt better knowing that my problems were not just me. That they were something a whole load of people experience, so it must be possible to cope with.

Its interesting because I wish people told me I'm autistic much sooner, but if they did then I don't think I would've taken it well either.
Re people in the society, yes but no. They share a lot of their daily life and their struggles, they are all struggling to some extent, some have it better some much worse, but they also share the good things, they have many positives in their lives too - I feel like I just have negatives...

Also stop apologising. I have a weird way of arguing my point of view which sounds like I'm upset with whatever you might've said, or that I'm dismissing it. I tend to have it worse the more upset I feel

AnonymousToe wrote: »

Oh 😂 I’m not even sure who recommended it to me anymore. But I think I’ve read somewhere that CBT doesn’t always work for autistic people. 😭 Don’t give up on it though. Sometimes you have to try things to be offered any different help as well.

It’s not exactly going badly, it’s just difficult to have the motivation to force myself out into the world, I suppose lol. I can do more than I could though.

I agree! I told my therapist last time about my very suspected autism and she said that I should try my best regardless, it makes CBT a little more difficult (which varies I guess), but it doesnt mean its useless.
I feel exactly the same. Which stresses me out cause I have limited session so I'm trying my best to get out, but the more I try the more I just feel like withdrawing back into the house for the next month or so

I know I can do better but it just feel so impossible sometimes.
Best of luck with it!

AnonymousToe wrote: »

Exactly, that’s not very long!! I’ve been an adult for a whole year and I’ve literally done nothing. I think like the early 20s is a weird time for that kind of thing - some people have got really far, while others haven’t. In those 3 and a half years you’ve done a 3 year degree, I think? That is kind of a lot. You’ve got like 50+ years of your career (judging by the way pensions are going 😭😂) left and you’ve done 3 so far. Don’t panic!!

That feels very long xD The degree doesn't feel like a lot if imma be honest, which kinda shows the amount of effort I put into it

50 years sounds like a lot (though I doubt I'll even live that long lmao) but if it goes by as fast as these 3 years have, I'm not even gonna notice when I'm old... its such a scary thought.

Anyway. Sorry for my super long response to your super long response to my super long response xD
Thank you again! Take care