Having a parent who hoards

AnonymousToe · April 26

She’s asking me to move things again and I feel like crap

AnonymousToe · April 29

I really can’t take everyone shouting at me over things I can’t help. I opened a drawer and some stuff balanced against the drawers fell down. Our house is a state to the point that you don’t actually know what’s fallen. My sister came in and saw one of her things wasn’t where she left it, so she blamed me and my mum joined in. You literally can’t touch anything in this dump 😭

Laura_tigger82 · May 5

It sounds really upsetting that everyone is shouting at you for things you can't help @AnonymousToe. I am hearing this feels out of control at the moment and other people's reactions are only making this more difficult for you. Is there anything which might help this to feel more manageable for you at the moment? We are all here with you.

AnonymousToe · May 6

Thanks @Laura_tigger82 I’m just trying to focus on the fact that I’ll be going to uni fairly soon now and won’t be stuck in this house all the time. I don’t have control over it so the only way to manage is to try and forget about it. Sometimes that’s impossible, but I’m also so desensitised to the hoarding that I don’t always notice it.

Azziman · May 6

Hey @AnonymousToe, I can hear how difficult this is for you - feeling this way for so long that you feel desensitised doesn't reduce the validity of how you feel about this situation. I hope that focusing on a goal like uni is helpful as it frames the situation as a temporary one for you. Wishing you strength through this, and we're here to support you through the situation

AnonymousToe · May 9

I hate the amount of responsibility I feel for all this

AnonymousToe · May 12

She just kicks everything out of her way, swears, and demands that I move things instantly. She’s driving me crazy

AnonymousToe · May 17

My mum and sister just collectively blamed me for it

Siena · May 18

I’ve been following along with this thread and hope you’re okay.
I just wanted to share the Facebook page called “children of hoarders”

I’ve had a read through of what they share and their quotes like “safe parents don’t bury their children alive” - think meaning with objects ect. And like safe parents should care more about their child than objects and it validated things for me. I don’t know even just the fact they call it abuse cause my mum would gaslight me into thinking it’s not or would blame me. And reading the stuff on their helped me. I’ll share some of the stuff that was insightful to me some how and maybe help you

And remember you do deserve better. 🫶🏻

AnonymousToe · May 19

Thank you so much @Siena

AnonymousToe · May 19

I really really want to get out and never see this place again 😭

Orchid059 · May 19

Hi @AnonymousToe this all sounds very stressful and it takes a lot of courage to reach out. Do you mind explaining what exactly has gone on so we can best support you- only if you feel comfortable sharing though. I just want to clarify with you that you are safe

AnonymousToe · May 19

@Orchid059 I’m not sure what you’re referring to? Sorry. I think I’m safe, it’s just that our house is very full and I’m not sure when that becomes unsafe

AnonymousToe · May 24

My mum is fixated on the moth infestation again (because she doesn’t want them to eat any of her precious crap). She complains if I don’t kill them but I can’t stand the thought of touching it and the legs and nooooo. I wish things could just be normal.

Orchid059 · May 26

AnonymousToe wrote: »

@Orchid059 I’m not sure what you’re referring to? Sorry. I think I’m safe, it’s just that our house is very full and I’m not sure when that becomes unsafe

Hi @AnonymousToe sorry if i wasn't very clear. I just wanted to make sure you felt safe in the house because you mentioned in a previous post that you just wanted to get out.

We are here to talk through anything that has been on your mind

AnonymousToe · June 3

My mum demanded that I move a box instantly, but there was a cat in the way and I didn’t want to hurt/ scare him, and she started shouting at me when I didn’t do it quickly enough. I hate it when she shouts at me because she’s so unpredictable and unstable, and also it reminds me of when I was little. Then she just started attacking me about not having a job or anything (when she’s literally unemployed herself). I don’t understand why she’s so fucking desperate to push me away.

I just want someone to be a mother to me.

AnonymousToe · June 28

My mum was reeling off endless things she thinks I should take to uni - stuff I don’t use anyway. I told her I didn’t want to live as a hoarder and she stomped off. This is hard.

AnonymousToe · June 28

Now she’s refusing to talk to me

lunarcat522 · June 28

@AnonymousToe Sorry to hear you're struggling with your mum. Is it possible that you could take the stuff that she's suggesting and then at an appropriate time donate it or chuck it? If you're asked later you could just say a friend is borrowing X item or you have put some stuff into a storage unit so you have more room in your accommodation.

Or would that maybe make the situation worse? You know your mum best so just a suggestion in case you hadn't thought of it

AnonymousToe · July 5

It hurts to never get to sit on a chair

eylah · July 5

sorry to hear things are tough. were here for you. @AnonymousToe . care abt you a lot. you matter to me and everyone else. here if you need to talk.

AnonymousToe · July 5

Thank you so much @eylah

sputnik · July 6

Hey @AnonymousToe , I've just read your original post for the first time and wow, that sounds extremely hard and I have a lot of respect for you having coped with those living conditions for so long! The way your mum treats you is absolutely out of order, it sounds very much like abuse, and elements of it sound coercively controlling. It also sounds like she is very depressed, and maybe has other mental health issues too.
Seems to me like she scapegoats you as a way to escape her own shame about her hoarding and the fact it's had such a major impact on you and your sister's lives. And that you've been burdened with the responsibility of ensuring your sister doesn't get taken away from home, and fearing for your family's safety - no one should have to shoulder that

The fact you had to live with that fear and secrecy as a child is heartbreaking to me

Sounds like it's got in the way (literally and metaphorically) of so many aspects of your family life, and your mother can't or won't face that fact and therefore denies what is clearly the case.

Is there anyone you can talk to about it who you can trust not to let your parents know? If you can explain to them the problem and the pressure you're under not to tell people, and why? Just seems like you could really do with someone to talk to, and who might be able to advise you a bit or point you in the direction of more support. It's so much to be dealing with on your own

Or have you tried any helplines maybe? I know talking on the phone can be really hard when you have social anxiety though...

You may know this already but when you start Uni there will be support services you can access through them, I don't know to what extent but you can probably find out through their website, if that helps at all?

I'm really sorry you're having to cope with this, you're doing really well!

AnonymousToe · July 7

Thank you so much @sputnik it means a lot

I may reply properly at some point but I don’t have the energy right now, sorry

AnonymousToe · July 10

Why is it all my responsibility? 😭😭😭 No adult knows how bloody hard this is, and if I tell someone I’ll probably be abandoned. I’m totally stuck. Never ever gonna forgive my parents for this

eylah · July 10

AnonymousToe wrote: »

Why is it all my responsibility? 😭😭😭 No adult knows how bloody hard this is, and if I tell someone I’ll probably be abandoned. I’m totally stuck. Never ever gonna forgive my parents for this

we wonr abdadon you. yoj got us. sry idk what to say. but here for you.

AnonymousToe · July 10

Thank you @eylah it means a lot that you guys care

AnonymousToe · July 27

My dad is blaming me too. This is so hard

AnonymousToe · July 27

AnonymousToe wrote: »

It hurts to never get to sit on a chair

I’ve had the same pain from having to sit on the floor for 3 weeks now.

eylah · July 27

AnonymousToe wrote: »

My dad is blaming me too. This is so hard

why.

. im so sry.

Having a parent who hoards

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