family stuff tw for physical/emotional abuse, gaslighting, suicidal thoughts
okay. so my dad is abusive. not in the way where he beats me for no reason. in the way that if i say anything he doesnt agree with, or anything he deems disrespectful his ego will be hurt and he will immediately hit me.
his dad was abusive aswell and whenever i apologise (we'll get there) he brings it up as a sob story as if im supposed to gaf. he hated his dad. so why does he think its okay to do it to me. he also threatens me with very violent things such as stomping on my head. he claims its discipline but i personally think discipline shouldnt come from a place of anger where you are being held back by my mother while shouting "im going to beat you up".
two days ago this happened. i made a comment to him after something he said. i told him i didnt really feel like being lectured at the moment. it was 11pm and i was tired. maybe my tone was a bit off (im autistic and sometimes my tone can come across ina way i dont mean it to. im no stranger to being misunderstood and not given to chance to explain). even still, i dont feel that warranted the reaction i got which i described above. he also was shouting at me "who do you think you are". i calmly asked him "why are you shouting" multiple times and he continued to yell. so i left the room so avoid the situation from escalating. my mum heard the shouting and asked me what happened. while i was talking he started coming up the stairs yelling. at this point im sick of him. he always does this. hes 68 and cant communicate without yelling, even when i was younger. so i tell him to be quiet bc honestly stfu, even though i know it will make him more angry, and then walk into my room. a part of me wanted to make him angrier just to see how my mum would react. shes seen him hit me and threaten me and somehow always finds a way to fault me for his actions.
anyway, thats when he threatened me. hearing that i grabbed my phone and stormed back out the room threatening to call the police. after everything died down my mum came into the room and told that threatening to call the police was unacceptable. i aksed her if him threatening to beat me up and stomp on my head was okay. she said no. so i ask why tolerate it. she says "hes your dad you need to respect him". she wasnt downstairs when he started yelling and, as always, tells me "its not what you say but how you say it" as if that justifies his reaction in anyway.
another thing to add is that both my mum and dad dont think im autistic bc when they think of autistic they see a 4 year old white boy. my sister is the only one who understands but she doesnt live here anymore. she was also abused my by dad and my mum stood by. i even witnessed my mum throwing a fan at her bc she, a 22 year old at the time, didnt like the fact her mum was calling her fat and obsese and ugly.
as always when this happens my mum tells me to apologise. other times when hes actually managed to hit me ive told her im scared of him and she says "why. if you're scared stop being scared. he loves you". he barely knows me. hes beat me more times than hes hugged me.
i remember i time when he hit me so hard i passed out, she wasnt here but my cousin was. she used to live with us. i dont blame her for not standing up for me bc at the time she was pregnant,7 months. she's defended me when she is able to since then.
i told my mum what he did and shes said "that didnt happen". i told her she had said this and she immediately goes "i don't remember that". she doesnt remember anything she does or says wrong. so when i ask her to apologise and mean it, she says it in a way thats like "okay fine i apologised now shut up". when we talk she always tells me im not listening, i am but when i respond (bc thats how conversations work) she never listens and just sighs like im saying something stupid, then tells me im not listening again.
when i bring up something thats hurt me she says leave it in the past. but then when i was talking to her two days ago, she said "you can tell me anything. you never talk about how you feel". no shit.
shes an enabler. i dont know why she stays with him. maybe she's desperate for a relationship. she always copies everything my aunt does and maybe she wants to be like her so bad shes willing to put herself in a relationship w someone like him. maybe its bc hes my dad and she feels obligated to stay with him, no matter how may times he hurts me or my sister( we dont have the same dad. so when he would hit her its literally a random man assaulting her. my parents arent married. he has no legal authority over her).
to add on. none of my mums family like him.
they all just pretend to. now im old enough im let into all their gossip sessions and they hate him. my dad has also been divorced twice. his first wife doesnt want him around and the second, theyre on good terms.
he keeps saying he deserves respect but how am i supposed to respect you if u can't communicate like an adult. you go straight to violence. idk if he knows this, but teenagers tend to be moody ( he should know this he had 3 kids before me, one of them doesnt want to see him at all so theres that) also, not that he would know, but i dont really care for authority. you don't deserve anything from me. you earn it. idk how threatening to beat me is going to make me respect you. its just makes me dislike you more and more and thts going to become more and more obvious in my tone bc i dont mask.
hes gotten into fights with people in public. hes in the wrong and hell still demand respect. he admitted to be frightened of a 4 year old. he shouted in my niece's face, she got scared and raised her hands to shield herself and he went to hit her. my mum was there so he never got to. i heard her crying and came downstairs. he was still yelling at her, she wasnt even in the same room anymore. so i told him " shes already crying stop shouting he doesnt even understand what she did wrong" and he came towards me with a knife. i genuinely feared for my life at that moment.
my mum was there through the whole thing and she doesnt care. i still had to apologise.
anyway, back to the incident 2 days ago, i apologised or tried to apologise yesterday. he didnt look at me when i was talking, while calling me disrespectful. hypocritical much? he started being sarcastic i called him out on it and he got
offended that i would even dare to accuse him of that. he starts shouting again
i ask him why he thought threatening me was a justified reaction and he said "i would do it again". my mum tried to butt in and say "no you wouldnt dont say that" and he doubled down.
i do not feel safe in this house. i keep telling
my mum this and she tells me its okay bc shes here. she wont let me hurt me when shes here. buy he has hurt me when shes here and she always finds a way to blame me. i have to be the adult, not him. i have to be mature, not him.
theres so much i could say but i would be here all day.
im going to uni is september. so ill be out of the house. maybe can get therapy while im away. bc i need someone to tell me im not going crazy and hes really in the wrong . i find myself trying tell myself im being dramatic and im in the wrong. the night it happned i was contemplating suicide bc j felt i was burdern, always causing arguments and making my parents feel like shit. i know its not true but in the back of mind i find myself taking all the blame and it gets so loud sometimes.
my mum doesnt do it on purpose. no matter how much i say she gaslights me and makes me feel like shit i know shes doing what she thinks is right bc she cares about me. she telles me she loves me all the time. we call and text. its only during arguments she starts her bullshit. my dad on the other hand... lets just say that when he woukd be left alone with me (mum at work any the aforementioned cousin would be out, shes basically my second mum and she gladly takes the title) he would whine and complain "when is____ coming home". it makes me feel like shit knowing he didnt want to look after me.
anyway. thats the vent.
